i've been staring at one line since yesterday, and my eyes hurt. my eyes are seeing lines where there are obviously none...obviously, at least, for anyone else but me. the area below the test lines are blindingly white, yet still i stare and hallucinate.
i am stuck. i am stuck in indecisiveness, which can work with infertility. i guess when i think hard enough about getting pregnant or not i can be happy with either, but jesus christ above, the frustration of negative test after negative test is maddening...
which begs the question, am i again caught up in the success of the two pink lines, or do i really, really, REALLY want another screaming, crazy-making child?
the process of infertility is feeling a bit safe these days too, ironically. i know how to do it. even the craziness feels warm and familiar. i wonder how long and how far i will try.
really, though, i am not as pathetic as all that sounds, thank god. i am actually feeling pretty good. i am learning to be mindful and appreciate every moment, and trying to compartmentalize the infertility. i am a mom, after all.
no matter what happens, i am already a mom.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
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