the mailbox

husband and i stood at the chopping block opening mail, many envelopes filled with christmas cards, some with bills, some with crap. one by one, we opened the cards.

husband: "why do people send picture cards of their kids?? who wants to see that?"
cg: "i do, you idiot! what the hell is wrong with you?!"
husband: "we will never do that!"

i never knew he had such a pet peeve. it would have been obvious, had he told me during our first infertility years...he didn't even talk to his friends who had kids, he couldn't even watch a diaper commercial! but now? i'm definitely not the card-sending type of girl, but i would have sworn he would want to send out a picture of his beloveds!! weird, i tell yah.

he got to one card, turned it over, and clutched it to his chest with a really shocked, "what the fuck do we do with THIS" face.

WHAT?
WHO SENT IT?

he stood there for a long time, not wanting me to see.

then he handed it over.

i saw who the sender was on the back flap, opened it, and read it:

dear [charmed],
i have been thinking of you so much since the anniversary of p@ige's death. when we last spoke you were finding some comfort with the bere@vement group. i so hope that has continued to help. i can only imagine that the triplets are keeping you extremely busy. i have had occasion to be in your area both with families i am working with and two students who are nearby. it would be lovely to see you. but most importantly, i wanted you to know how your lovely presence remains with me. my warmest wishes to you and your family now and always.
fondly,
[the pompous ass of a midwife who caused your baby to die]

i didn't really feel anything, but why the fuck did she feel the need to tell me she was working with families in my area...families whose babies probably would be born the way they should be? probably because it is ME and my dead baby that were just the unfortunate victims of circumstance, and had nothing to do with HER and her inadequate practice, or the rest of the world, for that matter.

maybe she sent it because she was just informed of the investig@tion recently opened against her license. i mean, we last spoke about two weeks after i delivered last september. why now? the holiday fucking spirit? this isn't even a christmas card. it's a blank-inside number with a close-up picture of a blooming iris probably symbolizing the opening cervix or some such shit.

whatever her intention, it was a shock. it also makes me wonder how much she already knows about the shit storm about to befall her.

hey, at least she'll have some notice...more than i had, anyway.