incest

to elaborate on the "washing of hands" of everything reproductive, i had a job interview today.

being at home with three three (and a half)-year-olds is doing nothing positive for my sanity level. unfortunately, the whole deadbaby thing came around the same time they were to begin transition into the TRUE terrible phase of childhood....THREE.

NOT good for a deadbaby mama.

last week, the camel's back broke; i realized they needed something i couldn't be: a preschool teacher. and that's ok (right? RIGHT?!?). i've always been against sending them to school before kindergarten but i have to admit that it's my own ego standing between them and what they need.

and i can't lie to you. I NEED IT TOO.

as it stands, i will be working only to pay their tuition. and that's A-OK with me.

so.........the incest part.

i will be working in a women's health group practice (read: OB).

i will be working for the same doc that delivered p@ige.

i don't know what that's going to be like. but i do know that, in terms of my future nursing plans, it's right where i need to be.

happy birthday, to one that lived

me.

for the past week or so, i've been so melancholy. i've never really cared much about my birthday, but this year it's bringing me back around to p@ige. i haven't realized why until now, when i checked bloglines and there are just SO. MANY. DEADBABY. BIRTHDAYS.

last september, when i first had the need to google "stillbirth blog", i remember noticing how many women became deadbaby moms on or right exactly around my birthday. i remember thinking about how sad i would be for us on the day i was born alive. and it happened, and i didn't even know why.

i've been surprised, actually, because i've been at a pretty good place. i've been reading OB nurse blogs; i've been trying to re-direct my focus to the future i can actually control (you know, as opposed to fucking infertility, that mother-fuck). i am now leaning way more towards iud and a symbolic wash of the hands of this reproductive black hole. which is good. really good.

until my next episode of baby desperation...but i suspect that those episodes will continue forever, since, of course, you know, i am still pregnant with a ghost.

for now, happy/sad birthday to me. and to tash, and ashleigh, and janis...because for me? i was born the day she died.

what a miracle

if i can't get pregnant again, that means p@ige was special. it means she was some kind of freak happening; we were really lucky to have that happen.

i don't want her to be special. maybe i just want to get pregnant again so she won't be special anymore. i think i want to get pregnant again so i won't feel like i killed my miracle baby; so i didn't squander my only opportunity.

i got pregnant by accident, by surprise, and acted like a fucking brat the whole time. i feel like the only opportunity to fill some of that goddamned hole of regret is to get pregnant again and have a do-over. i KNOW it's not a do-over. i read read reeeeeeead about the pregnancies and babies after deadbabies and know it's not a do over.

but right now, it kinda is. i can't help but feel like it still is a little do-over even after you get another pregnancy and baby, but no one wants to admit it. am i wrong???

ghost baby

i'm not sure what i want to say about living with my ghost baby, but i feel like this picture, with it's hidden, secret baby, says alot of it. can you see it? i wonder if i'm just angry that everyone can't see my ghost baby either.

for the gipper

i really do feel like i need to win one. after everything- the infertility, the multiple birth, the baby death- i want to just win this last time and be done with it all. but i think the whole thing is just a fantasy. the carrot. the plaster.

all your comments are so, so right. and the farther i get from achieving a pregnancy, the harder it is to want it. the less desperate it is.

on the other hand, it's probably when i feel the least like another baby would be a good idea, that it would happen. because FUCK ME, you know?

i just want to feel like i've already won, which i kinda do. i want to feel like i'm winning every moment. sometimes i do. other times...are just other times.

sometimes i just feel like i want another chance. but another chance for what, exactly? what chances am i giving up every moment i waste thinking about getting pregnant again? because i don't know if it will happen; no matter what i do, i can't know. i just have to win every moment anyway.

i am finding out that i have a hard time with feelings. my DOING keeps me from my BEING. my "knowing" keeps me from the knowledge that i can not know.

for now, i just don't want to miss the moments with the people i'm already a mother to; i don't want to lose those moments to fantasy. i've already won.

yet, here i am.