tao of seven

i have seven children right now.

i mean, i don't want to get into the bullshit about when life starts...abortion...stem cell research. but there are four tiny little embryos out there that could possibly get to be my kid. transfer is on monday, if they all survive until then. and it's gonna be a transfer of one. i just can't stop thinking about trying to deal with three 4 year olds and two newborns, by myself. i just don't want to do it.

the thoughts are going like this: if i transfer one and it doesn't work, that's gonna suck and i will probably wish that i transferred two. i will be really happy if there was a couple to freeze, so i don't have to go through the whole process again. if i transfer one and it does work, and there were a couple to freeze, i'm gonna hate the thought of having the frozen ones there and not know what to do with them. then again, if the baby dies before being born, or after for that matter, will i be glad to have those frozen embryos? will i be glad, at 40 or some such advanced maternal age, if i decide to do it again (NOT!! just a funny, HILARIOUS, hypothetical), will i be glad to have 34 year old embryos?

doing ivf with a dead baby...at least there's so much bullshit involved with the trying to get pregnant that it distracts from the mountain of heaviness that is just hanging over me, by a string. i wonder at what point- positive pregnancy test? third trimester? birth?- that heaviness will fall. i'm sure, if i get pregnant, it will be one chock full of testing (for the kid) and testing (for me)...lots of further distractions. but at some point, i will likely break. that's a little scary.

for now, i am here, taking yucky pills morning and night, shoving big ole horse pills up the hoo-ha, and sticking my fat arse cheek with an injection of oil every eve. not fun. gross and painful, even. but at least i'm thinking about physical discomfort rather than emotional. i'm certainly in the present, too, so am i all zen now?