i don't know what i want.
i'm running out of steam.
i don't know what's happening, but part of me doesn't want the frozen transfer to work. i just feel so through with it all. i just want to move on.
the frozen transfer is slated for march 5th. that will happen; they are there, made. i have to give them a chance. after that? if they don't hang around? i'm not sure i have another ivf in me.
i always think that the worst part of infertility is the constant second-guessing, the constant making-of-THE-decision, the constant defense of the decision to yourself, the constant changing of the decision. there's just SO MUCH TIME to think about it, to think about all the pros and cons. part of me thinks that continuing to try to get pregnant when it is obviously not working, despite extreme measures, is holding me back from my real life. it's just such a fucked state of limbo.
the point of diminishing returns is quickly approaching; i mean, when trying to give yourself a live baby after a dead one, at what point does the pain and frustration of trying outweigh the glimmer of the possibility of success?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
You sound like me. I think what I really want is for the decision to be made for me so I don't have to make it. It's too big for my brain.
Sending you much love.
I can't even imagine how fucking hard this must be. I mean I know how frustrating just doing the li down and do it on the right days method got to be, having to do everything else that goes with fertility treatments would have made me crazy.
I hope the frozen transfer works so you don't have to have the debate. Like Tash says, it's too big for the brain.
xxoo
There are the years I call the lost years. Nothing to do with dead babies, but I had no idea what I wanted. Except that it wasn't what I had.
*hugs* yes at what point do we say fuck it all?!
Yup. Yup. Yup. Though I don't know the IVF experience...and I never thought I'd know the infertility experience. What a mind-fuck, all of it.
In the end, I wish as you wish, that the decision could be made for me. Because if it's not going to happen and it's clear that it's not going to happen, then I can at least do my best to wrap my mind around it. I can try to accept it and move the fuck on. But this not knowing, this constant fucked-up state of will-it-happen/will-it-not-happen is too damn much for my brain. And my heart. And my dreams. And it keeps me plugged into this very space, this space of heartache and hope and disappointment.
XO.
((hugs)) Being in limbo like this sucks.
Walking with you...
Sorry that I haven't been around. I'm only now poking my head out from under the covers.
Such a poignant post. *sigh* If only we had the answers....
March 5 - such a quick turn around...I'll be waiting with you through this one, too.
Post a Comment