moving backward, moving forward

i've known for about a week that the cycle failed. the first day it really hit me, i was a total disaster. i knew success wasn't a given, but really, i kinda thought it was. even though i'd been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half, none of it really registered; it was like i wasn't really trying...i mean, come on. i'm infertile. but ivf? my first ivf was highly successful. end of (that) story. i feel pretty ok about it now, and i'm into doing everything possible to get the frozen transfer to work. i feel ok, really. i even feel like, if it works this next time, i'll be better off- i won't have to fret about what to do with frozen embryos in the future. see? my brain is good like that.

what i'm really feeling is just more baby death. when i first came home from the transfer, i put the picture of the two embryos in paige's gray plastic shopping bag. when i realized the cycle failed, all i could think about was all my dead babies in that bag. listen, i'm no freak. i know that embryos are not babies and the ones in that picture were just not (whatever) enough to be born. but to me, now, it just feels like that. i feel very dramatic about it all. i feel like alot of stuff from paige's grief spot is spilling into this current state of infertility. how could it not, i guess. it's like, i get a window of hopefulness wherein i feel ok about the fact that my baby died; it's probably the total distraction of the ivf process. but then...it failed and i was thrown head-first into the deadbaby abyss.

there's just so much riding on this whole thing. what am i going to do if it doesn't work? i only get one more fresh ivf cycle covered...and what if it just doesn't work? what if i'm stuck with babydeath as my last birthing experience? what if i never get to have another alive baby? i'll live. in fact, that sounded really whiny. but what the fuck?? it would be the hand i'm dealt and i'll deal with it and my brain will swoop in and save the day in the end. as usual.

i don't want to say, "WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY??" it rubs me the wrong way to wonder *why* or think *it's not fair.* it just feels bratty and annoying. who the fuck knows why, and who the hell makes shit fair? no one. period. the shit just is, and too fucking bad.

but i can still say i really want this to happen. i can still want it, even though it may not happen. i have to own the desire. denying it won't make any of it any easier, despite the temptation to just be a hard-ass about it.

only time will tell. i kinda abhor that saying, but there it is.