when i was pregnant with paige, i would put the kids to bed and go straight into the tv room, turn on the air conditioner and the ceiling fan, and watch re-runs of six feet under off the DVR. they played the entire (i think) 6 season run in a few months, playing four shows a week. i never watched it on HBO; i wasn't interested for some reason. but in 2007, it defined my alone time. i cried many many pregnancy-hormone-related tears onto that sofa during that run. then it ended, and i cried and cried...especially during the finale. the fucking song is burned into my soul.
that christmas, paige already dead, i got the box set of six feet under. husband never saw it, so i watched it all over again, this time in it's full unedited glory. watching it again brought me back to being pregnant with a baby who would not live; marinating in death, i watched. i cried some episodes, but this time, because death was fresh and new and so fucking real. they included a whole documentary about how they created the show, with interviews and commentary from real funeral home directors. there was about an hours worth (maybe not an hour, but it certainly felt that long, if not longer) about how they came to include an episode about a baby that died of SIDS. i watched that episode, both pregnant and babylost...it was clear that the message- YO! babies die!!- was lost on the pregnant me, someone so far removed. there's really no hope; our dream of breaking into the collective unconscious and inserting the notion that HEY! babies die!...pretty hopeless. it's why i, for the most part, pretend it never happened, except in here.
today was official beta day. guess what! it was negative. i knew it since last week, but for some reason i'm so emotional about it. it's officially over. i feel so dramatic and lost- babylost.
can you click this link?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6PGrub3jUc
because i wanted to embed the video and it's restricted.
but i really want it to be on here...it's the finale song from the show...it's just so what i'm feeling today...from being pregnant with her, to being babylost without her, to still not being able to have even a little glimmer of pregnancy back, maybe ever.
Monday, February 9, 2009
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12 comments:
I never heard the "YO! babies die" message either.....
I am so sorry. I was holding out hope that your home test was wrong. I am sure that message was lost on me too. I know my message is lost on many of my friends, who all seem to pop out babies effortlessly.
I'm so sorry you're feeling so blue today. SO many things I watched while pregnant with Kara, make me cry now just because I was so full of hope then and now I'm just a babylost mama. I'm sorry your BETA was neg. Don't lose hope.
No on ever believes it or gets it, until it happens to them. Kinda like being visited by aliens only I suspect people would be more sympathetic if it were aliens that visited us and not dead babies.
I'm so sorry Charmer. God Damn It.
FUCK.
xxoo
P.S. If I was still a smoker and a drinker I have a feeling that song would be my theme song.
*hugs*
so what's the next step?
I'm so sorry hon. this whole thing just fucking sucks!
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
Sigh. All of it sucks.
aw crap. I'm sorry...
I love that show and I love Sia. That song was forever burned in my brain, and embodies all the crap I tell myself over and over again in this hell we all live in.
Thinking of you---wishing things were different.
I watched that program from episode one, forward. I cried like I was possessed when I first saw that final clip. I used to torture myself by playing it over, and over. And after Maddy died, one day, I climbed on line and tortured myself yet again.
I haven't yet, but I've been meaning to start watching the entire series from episode one forward. I want to relive the dead baby eps from this point of view. I want to sigh in the presence of the Buddhist monks. I want to laugh at the macabre. So I'm not going to click over because I know that scene too too well and I have stuff to do, but you have motivated me to begin this journey afresh.
And that's saying something. I'm really, really sorry.
Oh CG, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry Charmed I really hoped you wouldn't have to go another transfer. Don't give up hope though. I really believe this will happen for you. It's not the end of the story yet. As for 6 feet under I never watched so the dead baby message never got through to me till it happened. I found it so weird being in hospital this time surrounded by people who really do believe that you always get your baby. I just don't live on that world. I was pretty vocal about my reality to anyone who asked. But they still didn't get the message.
I really hope you're doing OK. I've been thinking about you a lot. Hang in there x x
I am so sorry. I hope that you can find peace with this cycle and perhaps even the strength to try again.
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