since the IUD was pulled out, i've been asking husband if i should get another one put in. he said, "why bother? i think it means we should forget the IUD." i shutter at the thought of believing in omens or whatever...but, whatever. i don't know what to think.
ok, fine. i'm infertile. i've been trying, REALLY trying, to get pregnant for a year and a half. nothing has happened. but i'm also not totally and completely and fool-proofingly infertile. IT IS POSSIBLE. and already, last night, while we *did it,* i found myself wondering how long ago my last period was...not that timing means anything over here, but still.
STILL.
i've been telling myself that if i'd gotten pregnant again the baby would have downs, or been stillborn, or some other family-debilitating disease or disorder oof some sort. i've been telling myself i would go mad with impatience at a new baby, with no sleep, with three however-the-same-age-olds.
i've been on a maddening, medical, high-power diet and lost 11 lbs in the past 3 weeks. my patience is wearing thin as it is, yet, without the IUD, with the weight-loss, what do i think about? maybe with the weight-loss i will get pregnant.
I
AM
SICK
OF
THIS
SHIT.
i don't know what to do. i want to get the IUD again, but what if something happens like uterine perforation...i mean, that thing was obviously doing acrobatics in there for fucks sake. i can't take any hormonal birth control, having experienced horrible and bloody side-effects in the past. i guess i could have my tubes tied, but the hospital my doc has privileges in is catholic and they don't allow that kind of newfangled anti-letting-god-take-control-of-your-life shit.
also, it's easter.
how come one mother's kid gets to die and come back?
that makes me angry.
i guess there's not much these days that doesn't.
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
so far...
or so we thought...
- a little pregnant
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- afterwards
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8 comments:
"how come one mother's kid gets to die and come back."
Yeah. That. What makes him so special, huh? :P
hey charmy
i would suggest you start taking your morning temperature and use www.fertilityfriend.com
Then you'll know when to use supplemental methods AND know if you DO get pregnant
The book Taking Charge of your Fertility does a nice job of explaining it all.
Would husband get snipped?
Amen, sister! Her cries were answered...why not ours?
Was going to ask the snippage question as well?
And yes, you have every fucking right to be angry - we all do.
x
I'm sorry, Charmy. IF is such a mindfuck all by itself. But it's a whole minefield of mindfucks after a dead baby.
I don't think it matters how many you have already. I think it does matter that you have already made room in your hearts for the hypothetical future one(s). Changing your mind is completely allowed, even if it drives you mad.
I nominated your blog for a Sisterhood Award. You can see the post on my blog at:
http://threequartermom.blogspot.com/
I appreciate your honest and heartfelt writing. Thank you for sharing your world with us.
The rules of the award are:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
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Ok, I'm gonna disagree with Ya Chun here, but this is what I'd do: Let the IUD be for a while, but don't overthink the TTC. Just let it be. Do it whenever. Don't temp, don't chart, try not to care, plan some drinking games around the middle of the cycle so you space it or sleep through. Try this attitude for a few months. Either you will a) worry like hell that you're going to accidentally get pregnant, and then you'll know you need to try the IUD again, b) realize that by gum, you really are infertile and it doesn't make a whit of difference, so why not enjoy the benefits? or c) get pregnant.
What it does require is losing a bit of control, and that's where the whole IF/deadbaby thing is such a drag on the ol' psyche. Tough choice. Lemme know what you decide.
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