mother's day?

i thought about mother's day coming for weeks before today. what would i want to do? mother's day...a day for all the women with kids. yes, i have children. i have three children that are alive, and one that's dead. as i get older and learn the reality of being a woman, and the consequences of reproduction, it's more and more difficult to celebrate all kinds of things. i wonder how i would feel if i didn't have the infertility, triplets, and dead baby.

my mother is in town, and i used my deadbaby pass to totally forgo the mother's day brunch. you know, cause i just can't think about mother's day...forget about the fact that she's completely batshit crazy and makes me want to kill her. so, yay? got out of that one. she sucked ass as a mom, i'm not gonna celebrate her.

about a week ago, i realized that all i really wanted to do was go to my grandmother's grave. she was probably the greatest woman in my family...in my life...and she was kinda stolen from me by my mother. i was 12 when my parents divorced, and when my mother remarried 6 months later (i'm telling you, batshit crazy) she wanted no ex-in-laws in the picture and orchestrated the whole thing. she told us they didn't want to see us, but she lied. she lied about so, so many things.

over the past week, every time i thought about going to the grave, i would break down. there's been a lot of tears this week, for my grandmother who i wish i could have known better, and for my fourth child. thinking about going there was like thinking about paige's birthday, or thinking about any other painful date. the anticipatory pain and anxiety is just so much worse than reality.

i went today to my nonna's grave. i wish she could have seen my children. i wish she could have known that my sisters and i would reunite with my father and her side of the family. i wish i could have known her as i got older and i wish she had a chance to try to advise me. i wonder what she would have told me about becoming a woman...

i wish i believed in life after death, and i wish that i could believe that she's with her fourth great-grand daughter. i wish i had more time; i wish i could have known...i'm telling you, i'm starting to know how people get old.

i think the only thing i'm really sure of is, most statements i thought ended with periods really end with question marks.