through the paper towel tube

i went out on saturday night. it was a full-out get-ready-in-a-hotel, have a nice dinner, drink and shake-your-ass until 4am, gossip and listen-to-drama until 6am, sleep until check out and hope to god you can keep your sanity the rest of the day with the kids kinda night out.

it was a fun time.

(i felt stressed the second half of the night, wanting to go and sleep instead of stay out. i need to relax.)

i have lost a lot of weight. the IUD went in and the weight fell off; i've lost about 30lbs already. i'm happy about this, but there's this underlying feeling of desperation too. the time has finally come when i know...KNOW...that i will never be pregnant again, and there is no possible reason to be fat anymore. the last time i had a baby was a year and a half ago...and without even a baby to show for it, there's no fucking excuse to be fat.

the possibility of a pregnancy is gone, and with it, all my extra padding. this should make me feel good and proud or whatever, but it's really making my life feel very surreal.

as i waited in the bathroom of the bar, i looked at myself. "who the fuck are YOU?" i kept thinking. i am looking very much like i used to (FINALLY...it's only been 5 years...), but i'm not who i used to be. that juxtaposition of my image and my thoughts are just...weird.

i danced a lot. i turned down many guys wanting to "make out" (i didn't even know people said that anymore). i drank, but not too much, which is probably why i wanted to sleep. (note to self: get hammered next time, for christ sake!) i walked around, noticing getting noticed again. i wondered if it was how i looked or if it was something else: i am not as sad anymore.

i'm really not as sad anymore. the whole thing is starting to feel so far away. my surprise pregnancy, my dead baby, my infertility, my failed attempts for another baby. the QUESTIONS are gone. the possibilities, in that regard, are GONE. i know what is ahead of me, as much as one can, anyway. i know i will not have another baby. ever.

there are moments, though, when i see myself changing that i struggle with what exactly i'm feeling about it. am i really upset that i didn't get pregnant again? am i relieved that i didn't? am i happy? sad? do i finally feel in control, and if so, in a not-normal way? WHAT THE FUCK DO I FEEL?!? do i feel anything, really?

i'm not good at feelings; i'm good at taking action.

i am trying to find moments everyday that are really good. it's easy to feel frustrated and about to snap every fucking moment when you have three 4 year olds. i'm surprised at how many moments i was missing...calm, happy, content moments.

i can thank janis for this.

life is learning to let go. i'd been thinking about how 'old' i was feeling- emotionally tired. i was struggling with that concept when i read janis's post and it hit me: LIFE IS LEARNING TO LET GO. everything comes to pass. good things, people, places, things, expectations, feelings.

holding on to the past or future is not learning how to LIVE.

living is scary.