chocolate

niobe has been asking about eye color, and many are posting pics revealing theirs.

(go and check it out, really it's strangely fascinating to gaze into the eyes of people you don't know, yet know so much about...)

i used to describe my eye color as cockroach brown, now i'm thinking chocolate...but maybe that's all the injectible hormones talking.

diminishing returns

i don't know what i want.

i'm running out of steam.

i don't know what's happening, but part of me doesn't want the frozen transfer to work. i just feel so through with it all. i just want to move on.

the frozen transfer is slated for march 5th. that will happen; they are there, made. i have to give them a chance. after that? if they don't hang around? i'm not sure i have another ivf in me.

i always think that the worst part of infertility is the constant second-guessing, the constant making-of-THE-decision, the constant defense of the decision to yourself, the constant changing of the decision. there's just SO MUCH TIME to think about it, to think about all the pros and cons. part of me thinks that continuing to try to get pregnant when it is obviously not working, despite extreme measures, is holding me back from my real life. it's just such a fucked state of limbo.

the point of diminishing returns is quickly approaching; i mean, when trying to give yourself a live baby after a dead one, at what point does the pain and frustration of trying outweigh the glimmer of the possibility of success?

six feet under

when i was pregnant with paige, i would put the kids to bed and go straight into the tv room, turn on the air conditioner and the ceiling fan, and watch re-runs of six feet under off the DVR. they played the entire (i think) 6 season run in a few months, playing four shows a week. i never watched it on HBO; i wasn't interested for some reason. but in 2007, it defined my alone time. i cried many many pregnancy-hormone-related tears onto that sofa during that run. then it ended, and i cried and cried...especially during the finale. the fucking song is burned into my soul.

that christmas, paige already dead, i got the box set of six feet under. husband never saw it, so i watched it all over again, this time in it's full unedited glory. watching it again brought me back to being pregnant with a baby who would not live; marinating in death, i watched. i cried some episodes, but this time, because death was fresh and new and so fucking real. they included a whole documentary about how they created the show, with interviews and commentary from real funeral home directors. there was about an hours worth (maybe not an hour, but it certainly felt that long, if not longer) about how they came to include an episode about a baby that died of SIDS. i watched that episode, both pregnant and babylost...it was clear that the message- YO! babies die!!- was lost on the pregnant me, someone so far removed. there's really no hope; our dream of breaking into the collective unconscious and inserting the notion that HEY! babies die!...pretty hopeless. it's why i, for the most part, pretend it never happened, except in here.

today was official beta day. guess what! it was negative. i knew it since last week, but for some reason i'm so emotional about it. it's officially over. i feel so dramatic and lost- babylost.

can you click this link?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6PGrub3jUc

because i wanted to embed the video and it's restricted.
but i really want it to be on here...it's the finale song from the show...it's just so what i'm feeling today...from being pregnant with her, to being babylost without her, to still not being able to have even a little glimmer of pregnancy back, maybe ever.

moving backward, moving forward

i've known for about a week that the cycle failed. the first day it really hit me, i was a total disaster. i knew success wasn't a given, but really, i kinda thought it was. even though i'd been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and a half, none of it really registered; it was like i wasn't really trying...i mean, come on. i'm infertile. but ivf? my first ivf was highly successful. end of (that) story. i feel pretty ok about it now, and i'm into doing everything possible to get the frozen transfer to work. i feel ok, really. i even feel like, if it works this next time, i'll be better off- i won't have to fret about what to do with frozen embryos in the future. see? my brain is good like that.

what i'm really feeling is just more baby death. when i first came home from the transfer, i put the picture of the two embryos in paige's gray plastic shopping bag. when i realized the cycle failed, all i could think about was all my dead babies in that bag. listen, i'm no freak. i know that embryos are not babies and the ones in that picture were just not (whatever) enough to be born. but to me, now, it just feels like that. i feel very dramatic about it all. i feel like alot of stuff from paige's grief spot is spilling into this current state of infertility. how could it not, i guess. it's like, i get a window of hopefulness wherein i feel ok about the fact that my baby died; it's probably the total distraction of the ivf process. but then...it failed and i was thrown head-first into the deadbaby abyss.

there's just so much riding on this whole thing. what am i going to do if it doesn't work? i only get one more fresh ivf cycle covered...and what if it just doesn't work? what if i'm stuck with babydeath as my last birthing experience? what if i never get to have another alive baby? i'll live. in fact, that sounded really whiny. but what the fuck?? it would be the hand i'm dealt and i'll deal with it and my brain will swoop in and save the day in the end. as usual.

i don't want to say, "WHY CAN'T THIS BE EASY??" it rubs me the wrong way to wonder *why* or think *it's not fair.* it just feels bratty and annoying. who the fuck knows why, and who the hell makes shit fair? no one. period. the shit just is, and too fucking bad.

but i can still say i really want this to happen. i can still want it, even though it may not happen. i have to own the desire. denying it won't make any of it any easier, despite the temptation to just be a hard-ass about it.

only time will tell. i kinda abhor that saying, but there it is.

you see anything?

(11dp5dt)

yeah, me neither.

i must have too many children to understand this:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "whoaaa...":

I'm curious--why are you doing IVF when you already have children, and a few of them at that? I don't mean to sound insensitive and maybe there is a more diplomatic approach. But I'm thinking also of the woman (and Dr. I may add) who just had octuplets and lives with her mother. Anyway, dealing with the unnatural and horrible tragedy of a lost child is something that would seem to consumea great deal of your time and energy. Do you have it to give to another child when you already have a number of them? I don't understand the ethics behind a medical professional performing IVF on someone who already has multiple children and also a great deal on their plate. As a mother and psychologist, I know that parents can barely give enough to families with three children of varying ages much less multiples. Sorry to be blunt--I am, but parents must give thought to the emotional, mental, and physical needs of the children they already have. When there is a loss, it is an almost insurmountable feat. I hope you have a lot of support from close family--the children will need it.