it seems like a pretty reasonable question. i can think of a thousand answers to it- good ones, too. i also have a thousand answers to why i DON'T want to get pregnant. i think i can drag my brain either direction at this point.
the problem, the real underlying issue, is the reason i have so many answers.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TWO THOUSAND GOOD ANSWERS.
it only means cycle after cycle of negative tests. it only means i have to continue questioning my desire to get pregnant, my desire for another baby. it only means that others declare, "let's have a baby!" and are left answering those questions while staring at the two lines.
i'm so sick of justifying. i'm so sick of second-guessing. i'm so sick of having to decide how far i want to go in order to have a baby. i'm so sick of having to have good enough reasons.
i have been trying to get pregnant since january, my first period after. it's october. i'm taking medications. i'm temping and peeing on sticks. i feel like a total asshole; i sometimes do these things during moments of utter disgust and frustration with my alive children. the longer it takes to happen, the more times i will ask WHY and come up with a thousand yay and nay reasons. i'm not sure what i really want, because it's taking so long and i am just so NOT in control over it.
i sometimes read posts about ignorants who announce positive pregnancy tests immediately. when i got the positive with p@ige we told everyone the next day. the next day!! i imagine getting another positive and not telling anyone until i look like i swallowed a spaceship, and even then consider saying it's a huge tumor. but i also imagine coming on here and telling. i imagine telling you guys. i don't want to have that post where i "come clean" or feel torn. this is my only comfortable place; this is the only place i will feel happy about telling.
but first, first i need to get pregnant.
why do i want to do it again?
what a mother-fuck, infertility.
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I think we all spend some time questioning why we would try it again when it worked out so crappy the last time, but I think it's just part of who we are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep trying. I just hope it works for you soon so you don't have to keep feeling so frustrated.
You are so right about the motherfuck.
Big sigh. Fuck. I don't even know what to say. I know I (probably)won't have to endure the same disappointment as you do each month. I believe that when we start trying again it will happen fairly quickly. Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be my problem. But keeping babies, well, that's another story isn't it?
Why do I want it? Why do I keep torturing myself with the questions, with the possibility? I don't want to be this person any more than I want a dead baby, any more than I want to not feel unfufilled with what I do have. Because as much as I love them, my kids that is, they don't replace all that was lost when their brother died. They don't take away the desire I had (have?) to finish this family their dad and I started. They are there and I love them, Callum is dead and I miss him, and, I am here wanting so badly to make my world right and just again, to restore hope and happiness again, to win again.
I'm so very hopeful it happens for you, Charmy, and soon. I don't want you to have the questions. I absolutely don't want you to feel the frustration. I want you to have what you want, mostly because I think you deserve it. It's as simple as that. XO.
I think it is the basic longing to finish something that was stolen out of our hands and hearts. I think it is why so many of us asked, alomost upon being handed our dead baby membership cards, when can I try again?
I think it is because we want our babies. I think it is because you are a mother and you are human.
And I am with C., I want you to get pg and have that baby, because I think you deserve it.
I think it's natural that you would want another baby. Almost like part of the healing process. Not that another baby would ever replace Paige, but maybe another baby would let you feel some joy again, maybe see some good in the world again. These are just guesses, or maybe my feelings for wanting another baby, and I certainly don't mean to project on you my feelings. I do think that none of us want our attempts at motherhood to end on this note (and what a sour note it is.)
I hope it happens for you and I am sorry for the frustration you have to endure while waiting for it.
Ditto all the above. I think the fact that you are still thinking about this and still trying to weigh up yes from no indicates that it's something you do want. It's just a fucking bitch you are having to go through the month after month thing. The reasons not to list just gets the opportunity to grow. Why? I think because it's natural to protect yourself from the disappointments by finding reasons why you don't want to do this.
Wish this was simpler for you I really do. I dunno maybe it's time to take the next step with the TTC as much as you probably want to go there again.
I'm sending good thoughts your way. Trying to stay positive too. Miracles do happen, why not happen to us?
mindfuck.
we'll see.
*hugs*
See, I'm weird. My post would be titled, "Why don't I want to get pregnant again?" and then I'd parade around the last 18 mos. of birth control and not picking up the phone to call the RE and wondering why I'm slipping slowly into a level of comfort with my one child when I always wanted her to have a sibling. I dunno. None of us should have this cloud hanging over our heads to begin with, and infertility just makes the storm a little worse.
Hang in there, Charmed. Sadly, we need to make this decision with the cards we've been dealt, and they're not pretty.
I've been thinking about this post all weekend and it give me hope. Why you ask?
Because if you are still hopeful about trying and have had all these things come into play, then I should be hopeful too.
I am hoping you, C and G and I are all preggos soon. Maybe we can coerce the universe together?
Way late to this, but just had to add my insignificant number of cents to the pile. I think that when it comes to wanting to have a baby, reasons don't have to be good, they don't even have to be at all. "Because I want to" is as good a reason as you are going to find in the pile, I think.
And as far as telling. See, this was exactly why I kept my blog anonymous and was so very paranoid about being found-- I wanted the safe place to be able to talk about all the things to do with my life in the aftermath, including the pregnancy after, if I was lucky enough to have one, while at the same time I wanted to keep that same pregnancy as private as possible in the real life. I see no contradiction at all in that-- people in our little corner of the blogosphere are there for you. You can be pretty sure none of the regulars would say anything stupid, and if a troll wonders by, the regulars will take quick and thorough care of it. Exactly that-- the blog is safe. It's the place where you don't need to choose among your children, where it is perfectly acceptable to be sad, joyous, and scared all at the same time. For me, the blog was (and still is) a lifeline. I can wish you nothing more than to have a chance to come here and tell us, whenever you feel like it.
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