F...enstein

this wednesday, i'm getting my wrinkly, floppy, squishy, saggy, baby belly chopped off. i'm getting cut hip to hip, my belly button is getting cut out, my muscles are getting sewn back together, my skin is getting yanked down and lopped off...

sewn back together, like no one ever lived there.

i was depressed and anxious, i took cymbalta. i was fat, i lost weight. i got a job. i made plans and started going out with friends again. i'm disfigured, i scheduled plastic surgery. broken things get fixed or thrown out...unless you're one of those creepy hoarders but we're not going there. i'm not really a limbo-type person.

what is it going to be like to look down and see a flat belly? i want to erase the past. i want to forget i had a dead baby and failed ivfs and never held my baby-after.

i don't want to forget my alive babies; they are the actual reason my mid-section is such a disaster. i don't have to worry about that, though, because at 7:04am i would like to forget them, but it's highly unlikely. very MUCH alive, they are. they are not the past, after all. they are the present. i would like to think they are the future, but, HA! hahahaaaaaaaaaa!! the future...

who is that girl, the one with the flat belly and sucked out thighs (yeah i threw some lipo in, too) and tattooed up arms and three kindergarteners (HELLO, SEPTEMBER!!!)????? WHO IS THAT PERSON that puts her kids on the bus in the morning and GOES TO WORK? who the fuck does she think she is, anyway?

i booked a trip to vegas in may for our 10 year anniversary to get married by elvis in funkadelic sequins and (for him) a 70s ruffle shirt. SMfriend booked a 7 day cruise in november for her and i, too. fire island in june. concerts, parties...dates are being filled into the 2010 calendar with abandon.

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

when you don't look like a dead baby mom, don't act like her, don't feel like her...are you still her? when you don't want to be a dead baby mom, can you make it all disappear?

inside the dead flesh...the sewn up, green, ugly-looking flesh...was some one's brain. that someone lived a LIFE, and found themselves trapped inside a monster. maybe i'll know was it like to look in the mirror.

i actually already DO know what it was like, because you know what? I HAVEN'T FELT LIKE (myself) SINCE 2004. and you know what else? WHO THE FUCK IS THIS "MYSELF" PERSON ANYWAY? so much has happened that i don't know who i am. will it just take time?

time.
time.
time.
time.

read it enough times and it makes no sense.
none of this makes any sense to me.

enough time will pass and i will settle down. i will settle into what's become of my life. i will not feel like a stranger to that girl. why does it seem like everyone else (hehe) gets to ease into the next phases of their lives? why does it feel like i was thrown into the eye of a tornado and am now finally stumbling my way around, blind?

time is also making me feel so self-indulgent.

maybe what i really need to do is not think about it so much and just live for god's sake.

and when it catches up to me, as it does, (always does)...