how happy am i now?

i wrote this quote down when i was pregnant:

we thought we had such problems. how were we to know we were happy?

i left a comment yesterday about seeing people cry over ridiculous shit and thinking they had no idea what there was to really cry about. how i could look back at all the dumb shit i've cried about in the past. how i wonder if, in the future, i would look back and think this wasn't even the worst of it...how i can't imagine anything worse than this, but i never could have imagined this, either.

the fact is, though, that the quote not only applies to life before my baby died. this quote means NOW. this quote means that EVEN NOW, i am not appreciative of the things i DO have, the happiness that is here, now. the happiness i can have in this moment.

it is true, though, that the things i appreciate are in a totally different box from my grief; my grief and my happiness are not mutually exclusive. the dumb shit people say about appreciating the alive children i have, expecting them to make up for my dead baby girl...well that's just silly and desperate of them.

but i think there's something to it, that quote. because really, it does still apply. there are days i'd rather stab my eyes out than read something like that, but today i'm going with it.

to be honest, i feel the need to let that sentiment seep under my skin. i think it has alot to do with fear; i think if i don't learn that lesson now, something even worse will happen and i will be crying over not being happy when i could. isn't that the whole fucking point of my pain in the present? how i didn't appreciate my baby girl while i had her inside me? listen, pergnancy sucks. and so does losing a baby. but knowing that it sucks doesn't negate the fact that i wish i could have loved and appreciated what i had, when i had it.

and the only time i can put that into practice is NOW.