confirmed.

yep, my neighbor's been rummaging through my wreckage.

i remembered a few minutes ago that, a long, long time ago, i put a stat counter on this secret place i made here. you know, just to see...just out of curiosity. i haven't looked at the stats for months.

then, a few minutes ago, i remembered that i can check all the IP addresses. isn't it amazing that i remembered the ID and password right off the top of my head? HA! not so hard when it spells out the dead baby i birthed and held in my arms. kinda can't forget about that.

so...what's the first address on the list? the address with the most hits and no referring link?? HERS. one of the first fucking people i cut off after paige died, because i never really liked her to begin with; i tolerated her, that abrasive fucking bitch.

and, AND, she just so happened to send me an email SO kindly asking if i could find someone else to watch the kids for a few weeks because she was asked to [blahblahblah] on tuesdays and thursdays. at first it didn't occur to me that it was because she read my hateful last post since, well, COME ON! she really didn't search through my computer, did she?? I DON'T EVEN HAVE BLOGGER ON MY DROP-DOWN ADDRESS THINGIE!! i am kinda paranoid, because i don't even want marc to click on it. he knows about the blog (i just only told HIM about two months ago) but i really don't want him reading on a regular basis. so none of these addresses are in favorites, on any drop-down boxes, etc...i really didn't believe she did it. it makes me SICK, LITERALLY, to think of all that she's been plundering, sitting across the street from me, staring at her glaring computer monitor. MY thoughts, MY pain, MY LIFE.

but she did.

and i will never, ever, EVER speak to her again.

raped

my neighbor watches my kids while i go to the therapist every week. i can't stand her, but i deal with it because i need to go to the therapist. i started going when i became a dead baby mom, but i need to stop now. i need to give up the therapy because i can't deal with her anymore.

she was here this week and walked straight up to my calendar and started reading, right in front of me. i'd forgotten to remove the IVF instruction sheet off the top, despite carefully hiding the needle container and injectibles. i just forgot.

when i got home, i noticed she'd been on the computer...and also noticed that the twist tie i had on the chest where my drugs are was disturbed. i may be paranoid, but she's the type.

she most certainly read the ivf schedule, and so now she knows. i hate that she knows, and i seriously never want to see her EVER AGAIN. i hate it. i feel exposed, and to someone who grates my nerves as it is...

she may have even snooped my internet history and found this blog. i don't give a shit, if she's reading this, she deserves it.

oh.my.fucking.GOD.

UPDATE: JERSEY CITY, N.J. (AP) -- Police who searched dumps in three states for the remains of a baby thrown out in a Jersey City hospital's trash gave up Thursday, saying they had little chance of success.

"We have come to the harsh reality that efforts to locate the remains of Bashere Davon Moyd Jr. would be a Herculean undertaking with little probability of a successful conclusion,'' Jersey City police Chief Thomas Comey said in a statement posted on the department's Web site.

Authorities had been looking for the baby's body since Jan. 2, when it was discovered missing from the morgue at Christ Hospital. The remains apparently were thrown away with the hospital's trash sometime between Dec. 21 and Jan. 2, police said.

They searched dumps in New Jersey and Pennsylvania before focusing on a landfill in Ashland, Ky., where the waste may have been transferred. On Wednesday, Comey said he feared the waste was sent elsewhere and may have been incinerated.

Hospital officials and police have declined to say exactly how the baby ended up in the trash.

::::

so that's it...he's gone. i can't even imagine not knowing where my dead baby's body is. husband left the box of ashes in the garage for an hour after he picked it up and i FREAKED for hours thinking of her in the garage like that. i can't even imagine. no one should have to.

::::

eta:
Infant's Body Thrown Out with Jersey City Hospital's Trash

JERSEY CITY, N.J. (1010 WINS/AP) -- Police are searching garbage dumps in New Jersey and Pennsylvania for the body of a baby that was apparently thrown out with the trash at Jersey City's Christ Hospital.

[that would be enough, wouldn't it? just the fact that the baby was thrown in the garbage?? keep reading...]

Alice Stockton-Rossini reports. Kalynn Moore gave birth a few days before Christmas to baby Bashire Moore, but sadly he suffered from heart problems and lived just 20 minutes. Moore tells CBS 2 when the funeral home came to retrieve the infant's body the unthinkable happened.

"His body wasn't there," Moore said"I looked at them and said, 'Excuse me?' And they were like, 'We can't find your son," Moore said.

Hospital spokeswoman Barbara Davy says the baby was stillborn on Dec. 21 and the body was placed in the hospital morgue.

[wait...did you see that? apparently the reporter was told, presumably by the parents, that the baby was born alive with heart issues and passed away after 20 minutes...but the hospital spokesperson is stating the baby was stillborn. hmmm...]

The body was gone when a funeral home employee came to pick it up on Jan. 2. Moore's attorney, Michael Anise, says a nurse cleaned up the baby, dressed him in a hat and blanket and gave the baby to the mom to hold.

[dressed him in a hat and blanket and gave him to the mom to hold...doesn't it just suck you right back there? shit.]

Whether the child was born is important because Hudson County's prosecutor says a stillborn is not considered a person under New Jersey law.

[so there you have it. the hospital trying to cover its ass by saying the baby was born dead, and therefore will not be held responsible for throwing a baby in the goddamn trash. and for fuck's sake, if the baby took one single solitary breath its dead body is that of a person, and if he was born dead, his dead body is a piece of garbage. holy fucking shit. are you kidding me? but you know, i guess that's the sentiment out there. a baby born dead is nobody. literally. no wonder we sit here, year after year, in deadbabyland. where else can we be taken seriously? this is all part of a horrible, shocking story, but i dread to think that people all around me feel this way about dead babies in general. i know they do. i used to. it's something i hate to think about.]

Moore's cousin accompanied Bashire's body on the trip to the morgue and says he was clearly identified with bracelets on his ankles and other name tags on his T-shirt and blanket. Anise said the hospital isn't doing much talking and that he has asked hospital administrators to hand over surveillance tapes. Hospital officials say they are working with authorities to recover the infant's body. The search will include garbage dumps in both New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

::::

oh kalynn, my heart is breaking for you. is having your precious baby boy die not enough to bear?

thinking of this baby's body in a heap of garbage is making me feel like breaking. or killing someone. that hospital is not that far away from me...in fact, soulmate friend lives in that city. i want to go there and throw a total fucking fit. and can you imagine the hospital is called CHRIST HOSPITAL?!?

jesus christ. i don't think your people are living up to your name.

::::

sorry, eta again: i am just so infuriated...i can't help but wonder WHO the FUCK would physically pick up a baby's dead body and heave it into the garbage? even if the claim is ignorance, shouldn't anyone who works at a hospital know better than to throw a corpse into the trash?? I CAN'T EVEN LAWFULLY THROW MY IVF NEEDLES INTO THE GODDAMNED GARBAGE!! there's got to be more to this...doesn't there?? like maybe the father isn't really around and doesn't want to pay for a funeral and snuck down and put the baby into the garbage? my brain is weaving up stories...i just can't wrap my head around this. i just don't want to believe that someone did this for no fucking reason.

double digits

i've mentioned before that my grandmother often told me her mother had 14 children, one born dead...to which i would assholishly (innocently? naively?) reply, "ok, so she had 13." my grandmother always just sighed a, "well...," raised eyebrows and shoulders and let me go on my stupid way. last sunday, she and i were talking in my kitchen and she asked me how i "was," which shocked me, because no one asks me how i "am" anymore, not for a long, long while...(because i'm FINE, ALL BETTER, you dummy!). she said she suffers for me because, as the oldest of those 14 children, she saw her mother suffer for that lost baby. i remembered again how i used to dismiss it. i mean, with all those kids, really! she had five more after the one born dead, none of whom ever took its place.

::::

my cousin has ten children. she's about two years older than i am; she got pregnant at 17, married the baby's father, and hasn't given it a rest since. at my baby shower for the three, as tears welled up in her eyes, she told me she was probably having a miscarriage. she had about eight children at that point, and i wondered why she was so upset. can you imagine? i actually wondered why she would be so upset about an early miscarriage after having so many children already. she told me she was wearing her maternity clothes in hopes that a miracle would happen. she was also so, SO excited for my three babies...i thought she was just out of her mind baby-crazy. i think back to that now and just love her for having the strength and love for me to so happily attend my baby shower while she was miscarrying her own baby.

::::

no one knows i'm doing ivf again. i really don't want to talk about it; i really don't want to have small talk about the fact that i'm electing to undergo another ivf and already have triplets (isn't that enough? shouldn't you be finished?). i really REALLY don't want to think about them thinking about my dead baby and how i must be on a mission to have one that lives, you know, to take its place/heal myself...which must be it, because i already have three children (boy and girls) and if not, i must be one of those crazy numerous-baby havers.

::::

i am currently in the first phase of my ivf cycle: lupron shots. i go in on wednesday morning for a mock transfer (so they can measure the uterus in preparation for embryo transfer), and ultrasound, and bloodwork. the lupron is forcing me into a chemical menopause (SEXY) and hopefully the ultrasound shows nice quiet ovaries and thin uterine lining. if it all looks good, i start the stimulation shots on friday...and then the ball rolls (ball = lots of injections, ultrasounds, and bloodwork) until egg retrieval anytime between the 21st and 27th.

having done ivf before, i feel pretty calm about it all. if i start to think about it not working, i freak out...and if i think about it working, i freak out...but all these little tasks, i think i find comforting. it's almost like, ok, now we're really trying to have a baby. i'm doing something that may actually work, as opposed to...i don't know...FUCKING? (and charting temps and checking cervical mucous and pissing on ovulation predictors and taking supplements and taking fertility meds.)

i'm having trouble saying this part, so i'm just going to put it out there: i'm not sure how many embryos i want to transfer (ASSuming we get that far and nothing gets screwed enough to have to cancel the cycle). i've talked to the doc about transferring one, which he's fine with. i've been pretty set on transferring one. we transferred three the first time, and all three came out...so i'm pretty leery about the whole "less than 20% chance of twins, less than 2% chance of triplets" thing, not to mention those other slim statistics i came out on the wrong side of. my problem is, now that i'm investing myself in this whole process, if we transfer one and it doesn't work, i'm going to be really, REALLY upset. WTF?? if we transfer two and they both stick, i'm going to be somewhat upset, but nowhere near as upset as i'd be if it doesn't work. really, this is a problem and it's driving me somewhat mad.

if you are reading this, won't you please consider TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?
thanks.
and happy new year, if you fancy that kind of thing.
(resolution: every day is a new year.)

best gift of the day

elle: "my mom..."

cg: "my pie..."

elle: "i love you mom."

cg: "i love you too, peanut."

cg: "elle,"

elle: "what, mom?"

cg: "what is love?"

elle: "love, ummm, love is like somebody to take care of."


happy holidays.

the mailbox

husband and i stood at the chopping block opening mail, many envelopes filled with christmas cards, some with bills, some with crap. one by one, we opened the cards.

husband: "why do people send picture cards of their kids?? who wants to see that?"
cg: "i do, you idiot! what the hell is wrong with you?!"
husband: "we will never do that!"

i never knew he had such a pet peeve. it would have been obvious, had he told me during our first infertility years...he didn't even talk to his friends who had kids, he couldn't even watch a diaper commercial! but now? i'm definitely not the card-sending type of girl, but i would have sworn he would want to send out a picture of his beloveds!! weird, i tell yah.

he got to one card, turned it over, and clutched it to his chest with a really shocked, "what the fuck do we do with THIS" face.

WHAT?
WHO SENT IT?

he stood there for a long time, not wanting me to see.

then he handed it over.

i saw who the sender was on the back flap, opened it, and read it:

dear [charmed],
i have been thinking of you so much since the anniversary of p@ige's death. when we last spoke you were finding some comfort with the bere@vement group. i so hope that has continued to help. i can only imagine that the triplets are keeping you extremely busy. i have had occasion to be in your area both with families i am working with and two students who are nearby. it would be lovely to see you. but most importantly, i wanted you to know how your lovely presence remains with me. my warmest wishes to you and your family now and always.
fondly,
[the pompous ass of a midwife who caused your baby to die]

i didn't really feel anything, but why the fuck did she feel the need to tell me she was working with families in my area...families whose babies probably would be born the way they should be? probably because it is ME and my dead baby that were just the unfortunate victims of circumstance, and had nothing to do with HER and her inadequate practice, or the rest of the world, for that matter.

maybe she sent it because she was just informed of the investig@tion recently opened against her license. i mean, we last spoke about two weeks after i delivered last september. why now? the holiday fucking spirit? this isn't even a christmas card. it's a blank-inside number with a close-up picture of a blooming iris probably symbolizing the opening cervix or some such shit.

whatever her intention, it was a shock. it also makes me wonder how much she already knows about the shit storm about to befall her.

hey, at least she'll have some notice...more than i had, anyway.

what shock looks like

i opened my eyes this morning and my first two thoughts were:

1- i think i left a comment on p@ige's name in the s@nd picture using my charmedgirl name and the pic is posted with her full name and OH MY GOD someone can google my last name and find this blog and i have open legal cases and i say whatever-the-fuck on here and HOLY SHIT i couldn't have done that, could i have?? (i could have and absolutely did...)

2- what the fuck was i thinking, having so many visitors in the hospital after having p@ige? i was in the hospital for five days, and there was a steady stream of people coming in and out, and i didn't even care. (don't bother asking what the fuck the photographer was thinking taking this picture, i mean, you'd think someone just announced i won the lottery for the love of god. husband will capture the moment, goddamnit. don't make me prove it by posting the picture he had taken of the two of us with his dead mother...) anyway, still sleepy this morning, i remembered this picture and thought, what a perfect summation of what it's like to have a dead baby, week 1. there i am, shocked, composed. there everyone is, visiting. mulling. carrying on with whatever the fuck. when it's time for them to leave, they leave. still i sit there, sometimes crying softly, sometimes ridiculously philosophical, sometimes just there, ever composed. there i was in bed this morning, thinking of this picture, this scenario. i cringe when i think of the visitors. i cringe when i think of how i was just so gone, so not even there. i hate that i allowed all those visitors. i hate that i was so gaping open and everyone saw...well, they saw what you see in the picture, me sitting there, composed. such a juxtaposition in my mind....

i'm glad i have that fucking awful goddamned picture. i'm not sure why, but i am.
proof? probably.

eta: i just noticed the bag full of piss from my catheter by the bed...meaning i was what, a few hours out from the c-section?? jesus CHRIST...it was worse than i thought...