it's starting to happen...the one where i stare at a positive pregnancy test.
in the dream.
then i wake up.
last night, as i was enjoying the staring in my dream at the strange-looking pregnancy test with the two lines, i was jolted awake by crying from the other room. after getting back into bed, i laid there and thought, "why was i so upset to wake up??"
then i remembered.
the positive pregnancy test dream.
i haven't had them since the good ole years of straight-laced infertility.
what happens now, when there's so much more to it???
FUCK.
i'd much rather dream of my dead baby.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
what's been up
besides my computer crashing and dealing with a stressed-out husband (yes, it WAS the end of the world), the past week has been really, certifiably crazy.
first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.
i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."
my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.
next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.
because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.
so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?
first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.
i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."
my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.
next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.
because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.
so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?
the list
the mission, as i've chosen to accept it: write a list of people i could bag with marital impunity, given the unbelievable and impossible opportunity to do so.
ok kalakly, here goes:
1. i must also pick brad pitt, but not with the blonde. i first started digging him in 'seven' with the short dark hair; that's also when i started realizing he's pretty talented, which is hot. and come on...FIGHT CLUB (not for the body...for the raunch)??? jesus christ! he is starting to weird me out lately, but whatever.
2. clive owen. so fucking hot in 'closer'. and i have a thing for the british accent, but not the wussy kind like jude law.
3. gordon ramsay. what a hard-ass. plus the accent again.
4. michael hall from 'six feet under' and 'dexter'. i especially love him on dexter...so much so, i will even watch it on cbs with commercials and editing.
5. nicole kidman, natalie portman, and christina ricci. not necessarily together.
i tag meg, tash, and niobe.....HA!
ok kalakly, here goes:
1. i must also pick brad pitt, but not with the blonde. i first started digging him in 'seven' with the short dark hair; that's also when i started realizing he's pretty talented, which is hot. and come on...FIGHT CLUB (not for the body...for the raunch)??? jesus christ! he is starting to weird me out lately, but whatever.
2. clive owen. so fucking hot in 'closer'. and i have a thing for the british accent, but not the wussy kind like jude law.
3. gordon ramsay. what a hard-ass. plus the accent again.
4. michael hall from 'six feet under' and 'dexter'. i especially love him on dexter...so much so, i will even watch it on cbs with commercials and editing.
5. nicole kidman, natalie portman, and christina ricci. not necessarily together.
i tag meg, tash, and niobe.....HA!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
tagged
thanks to c., i'm unstuck for today. it's been easy going over here? weird, i know. not so much to write lately, except mother drama, which is not really that interesting for any of you, i'm sure.
The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.
1) when i was in the 5th grade, i pulled out my baby teeth, one a day for a week. at the time, i thought it felt good; i used stick pins and pen caps. in retrospect, it was the worst year of my childhood and i was trying to get attention. which never happened. one of the pointy teeth on the side was really slow coming in after that, and luckily alyssa milano had the same issue at the same time, AND i happened to already resemble her...so it worked out. especially with boys.
2) when i was about 5 years old, i thought i was sexy. i was hot for boys. i had boyfriends at school and in the neighborhood. i remember it so clearly, those feelings, and to this day i give kids so much more respect because of it.
3) i only wash my hair once a week. i used to be an everydayer, but once you get your head used to reduced stripping, your hair gets so much less oily. no one ever believes me until they try it. when people compliment my hair i always tell them it's because i wash it once a week and they scoff, like that's gross. meanwhile their hair looks pretty ratty!
4) i used to be a florist. and a physician's office manager. and a retail manager. and a massage therapist. and a henna body artist. and a healthcare finance consultant. and a sex educator. and a spa owner.
5) my mother used to have to pray about whether or not to allow me to do things i asked her permission for. like, "mom can i go to nora's house after school tomorrow?" "i don't know, i have to pray about it." and i was in high school.
6) i can't wait for spring to come and everyone in this tiny town to see my arms covered in new tattoos. i'm thinking about coloring my hair too, like burgundy or something. do i want to feel like the town freak? do i just not want anyone to talk to me? maybe both. and i'm excited.
ok so here's who has to do this too:
meg
missing one
depressionista
The rules:
1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Be sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did.
1) when i was in the 5th grade, i pulled out my baby teeth, one a day for a week. at the time, i thought it felt good; i used stick pins and pen caps. in retrospect, it was the worst year of my childhood and i was trying to get attention. which never happened. one of the pointy teeth on the side was really slow coming in after that, and luckily alyssa milano had the same issue at the same time, AND i happened to already resemble her...so it worked out. especially with boys.
2) when i was about 5 years old, i thought i was sexy. i was hot for boys. i had boyfriends at school and in the neighborhood. i remember it so clearly, those feelings, and to this day i give kids so much more respect because of it.
3) i only wash my hair once a week. i used to be an everydayer, but once you get your head used to reduced stripping, your hair gets so much less oily. no one ever believes me until they try it. when people compliment my hair i always tell them it's because i wash it once a week and they scoff, like that's gross. meanwhile their hair looks pretty ratty!
4) i used to be a florist. and a physician's office manager. and a retail manager. and a massage therapist. and a henna body artist. and a healthcare finance consultant. and a sex educator. and a spa owner.
5) my mother used to have to pray about whether or not to allow me to do things i asked her permission for. like, "mom can i go to nora's house after school tomorrow?" "i don't know, i have to pray about it." and i was in high school.
6) i can't wait for spring to come and everyone in this tiny town to see my arms covered in new tattoos. i'm thinking about coloring my hair too, like burgundy or something. do i want to feel like the town freak? do i just not want anyone to talk to me? maybe both. and i'm excited.
ok so here's who has to do this too:
meg
missing one
depressionista
Monday, February 18, 2008
no, seriously
soulmate friend: "i have to call you back in a minute; i have to make the appointment for the tubal."
charmedgirl: "ok. call me back."
phone rings a couple of minutes later.
cg: "did you make the appointment?"
sf: "i forgot when i had the baby!"
ch: "HAHA! that's funny...when's the appointment?"
sf: "no, really, when did i have the baby? WHAT'S THE BABY'S BIRTHDAY??"
cg: "december 10th, dude."
sf: "ok. let me call you back."
charmedgirl: "ok. call me back."
phone rings a couple of minutes later.
cg: "did you make the appointment?"
sf: "i forgot when i had the baby!"
ch: "HAHA! that's funny...when's the appointment?"
sf: "no, really, when did i have the baby? WHAT'S THE BABY'S BIRTHDAY??"
cg: "december 10th, dude."
sf: "ok. let me call you back."
Friday, February 15, 2008
i wish i was still stupid
my grandmother turned 83 on sunday.
she is the oldest of 14 children, all born at home on a farm in puerto rico.
sometimes, over the course of my life, she would tell me about how many children her mother had, their birth order, and their names. sometimes it would be in response to a question about who's older than who, or something like that.
i would ask, "your mother had 13 children, right?"
and she would go down the list, keeping track on fingers which would run out before she was done. sometimes she'd have to start over. sometimes more than once.
once my dumb-ass stepfather asked my great-grandmother why she had so many children, and she said, "we didn't have television back then; there was nothing else to do."
so, my grandmother would recount all her siblings; she was present for many of their births. she would always start out by saying, "well, she had 14 children but one born dead," to which i always responded, "ok, so she had 13."
and my grandmother would look at me sadly and say, "well..."
and nothing more.
she is the oldest of 14 children, all born at home on a farm in puerto rico.
sometimes, over the course of my life, she would tell me about how many children her mother had, their birth order, and their names. sometimes it would be in response to a question about who's older than who, or something like that.
i would ask, "your mother had 13 children, right?"
and she would go down the list, keeping track on fingers which would run out before she was done. sometimes she'd have to start over. sometimes more than once.
once my dumb-ass stepfather asked my great-grandmother why she had so many children, and she said, "we didn't have television back then; there was nothing else to do."
so, my grandmother would recount all her siblings; she was present for many of their births. she would always start out by saying, "well, she had 14 children but one born dead," to which i always responded, "ok, so she had 13."
and my grandmother would look at me sadly and say, "well..."
and nothing more.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
new territory
i went to babiesRus yesterday.
i had a gift card from when i was pregnant and it's been haunting me since she died. i decided to go and just spend the fucker and get it over with. the kids need potties and frankly i'm sick of dealing with shitty asses...and they ARE three, so i think i need to get a move-on before i start getting those weird looks and have to smack someone and scream, "DEADBABYPASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" jesus.
so, there i am in a baby store. the fact that i have an RE appointment already seemed to help tremendously...but did it really? i actually looked at baby stuff instead of running past it to the back where they have the toddler gear. there were also real-live babies, which didn't seem to bother me?
this is frightening. what the fuck is going on?
i am NOT better just because we are going to try to have another baby. but i feel better? where is my shit? this isn't real and i'm scared.
do i want another baby because i'm desperate to have my dead baby? is my mind playing tricks on me?
AM I MAKING THE WRONG DECISION?
i feel better yet lost and confused. i am trying to tell myself to take each day as it comes and if i feel better, then feel better while i can...the shit will come back when it comes back.
i know there will be so much of this; if i get pregnant again i will have to master holding two boxes at once. i know i will have to carry my dead baby and my alive one at the same time. i know i will have to learn how to be happy and sad all at once. i know this is to be my life.
i know i live with a ghost, but i have to try not to be one.
(and today is five months...i miss you p@ige. more than i ever knew i could.)
i had a gift card from when i was pregnant and it's been haunting me since she died. i decided to go and just spend the fucker and get it over with. the kids need potties and frankly i'm sick of dealing with shitty asses...and they ARE three, so i think i need to get a move-on before i start getting those weird looks and have to smack someone and scream, "DEADBABYPASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" jesus.
so, there i am in a baby store. the fact that i have an RE appointment already seemed to help tremendously...but did it really? i actually looked at baby stuff instead of running past it to the back where they have the toddler gear. there were also real-live babies, which didn't seem to bother me?
this is frightening. what the fuck is going on?
i am NOT better just because we are going to try to have another baby. but i feel better? where is my shit? this isn't real and i'm scared.
do i want another baby because i'm desperate to have my dead baby? is my mind playing tricks on me?
AM I MAKING THE WRONG DECISION?
i feel better yet lost and confused. i am trying to tell myself to take each day as it comes and if i feel better, then feel better while i can...the shit will come back when it comes back.
i know there will be so much of this; if i get pregnant again i will have to master holding two boxes at once. i know i will have to carry my dead baby and my alive one at the same time. i know i will have to learn how to be happy and sad all at once. i know this is to be my life.
i know i live with a ghost, but i have to try not to be one.
(and today is five months...i miss you p@ige. more than i ever knew i could.)
Thursday, February 7, 2008
ooooooooo...CANDY...and LOVE!
thank you meg, for the candy and the notes and the general love...too bad none of the hearts come in black, no?
i have to pick ONE person...one person...one person...GOD it's almost impossible!
i really feel like we all make up one cumulative personality; picking one is picking us all. without niobe's denial, c's heartwrenching prose, coggy's raw realism, tash's intelligent indignation, julia's sensitivity, whatthefuck's sharp honesty, heather's optimism, lori's giving spirit.....where would we all be? (i know, there are so many i didn't even mention...)
i have to pick one, and it's missing_one. she's the first i read (back in september), and always made me feel like this was all going to be ok one day.
definitely possibly maybe
we are going to try to have another baby.
husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.
i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.
in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.
i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.
now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.
i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.
our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.
ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.
husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.
i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.
in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.
i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.
now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.
i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.
our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.
ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
how happy am i now?
i wrote this quote down when i was pregnant:
we thought we had such problems. how were we to know we were happy?
i left a comment yesterday about seeing people cry over ridiculous shit and thinking they had no idea what there was to really cry about. how i could look back at all the dumb shit i've cried about in the past. how i wonder if, in the future, i would look back and think this wasn't even the worst of it...how i can't imagine anything worse than this, but i never could have imagined this, either.
the fact is, though, that the quote not only applies to life before my baby died. this quote means NOW. this quote means that EVEN NOW, i am not appreciative of the things i DO have, the happiness that is here, now. the happiness i can have in this moment.
it is true, though, that the things i appreciate are in a totally different box from my grief; my grief and my happiness are not mutually exclusive. the dumb shit people say about appreciating the alive children i have, expecting them to make up for my dead baby girl...well that's just silly and desperate of them.
but i think there's something to it, that quote. because really, it does still apply. there are days i'd rather stab my eyes out than read something like that, but today i'm going with it.
to be honest, i feel the need to let that sentiment seep under my skin. i think it has alot to do with fear; i think if i don't learn that lesson now, something even worse will happen and i will be crying over not being happy when i could. isn't that the whole fucking point of my pain in the present? how i didn't appreciate my baby girl while i had her inside me? listen, pergnancy sucks. and so does losing a baby. but knowing that it sucks doesn't negate the fact that i wish i could have loved and appreciated what i had, when i had it.
and the only time i can put that into practice is NOW.
we thought we had such problems. how were we to know we were happy?
i left a comment yesterday about seeing people cry over ridiculous shit and thinking they had no idea what there was to really cry about. how i could look back at all the dumb shit i've cried about in the past. how i wonder if, in the future, i would look back and think this wasn't even the worst of it...how i can't imagine anything worse than this, but i never could have imagined this, either.
the fact is, though, that the quote not only applies to life before my baby died. this quote means NOW. this quote means that EVEN NOW, i am not appreciative of the things i DO have, the happiness that is here, now. the happiness i can have in this moment.
it is true, though, that the things i appreciate are in a totally different box from my grief; my grief and my happiness are not mutually exclusive. the dumb shit people say about appreciating the alive children i have, expecting them to make up for my dead baby girl...well that's just silly and desperate of them.
but i think there's something to it, that quote. because really, it does still apply. there are days i'd rather stab my eyes out than read something like that, but today i'm going with it.
to be honest, i feel the need to let that sentiment seep under my skin. i think it has alot to do with fear; i think if i don't learn that lesson now, something even worse will happen and i will be crying over not being happy when i could. isn't that the whole fucking point of my pain in the present? how i didn't appreciate my baby girl while i had her inside me? listen, pergnancy sucks. and so does losing a baby. but knowing that it sucks doesn't negate the fact that i wish i could have loved and appreciated what i had, when i had it.
and the only time i can put that into practice is NOW.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
universal secret
(thank you, unknown postsecret secret postcard maker)
i used to think that the moment i became pregnant (before i ever had been), i would just magically have the motivation to change my eating habits. i used to think that i would be different and whole and connected, just because they were growing inside me, or here. isn't the creation and birth of a child THAT important? THAT life-changing?
well, it is that life-changing, but not in the idealistic way i thought; apparently it's not the fantasy many think it is. oh, poor ghost of charmedgirl past...you stupid, stupid girl.
the pain of knowing where i was mentally and emotionally during p@ige's tiny existence inside me is crushing my heart. i never, ever, ever in a million years would have imagined i could be so lost and depressed while carrying a baby. so many years of infertility, so many regrets about never being able to have a single birth baby...what the fuck was i so goddamn depressed about? i wanted to fast-forward time right to labor and delivery, even though in my mind, i'd want to put her back in for lack of sleep and everything else. i was an ingrate. i neglected her emotionally. i abused her mentally (and to be honest, physically). i was a bitch of a pregnant lady.
i have to change. i have to make changes BEFORE events that-shall-at-this-time-go-unnamed happen. i am making those changes, slowly but maybe surely.
i hate to hell that i am making these changes because my baby is dead.
i hate that i am going to be *a better person* because my baby is dead.
i fucking hate that i will go on to a more realized life because my baby is dead.
i hate that i hate it, because i hate the alternative even more; i hate the possibility that my baby died and i can possibly still be as fucked up as ever.
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