my dead daughter gave me my father back.
in the months since i realized my mother has narc1ss1st1c pers0nal1ty d1s0rder, we've learned that she's lied about incest, tried to convince all of us that we were molested a la munchhausen by proxy, and last but not least told my entire father's family that if they didn't cut off my father after the divorce, they could not continue relationships with us (the kids).
i saw my father this past monday, after about 10 years (if not more). he's scared shitless of my mother. he is so different than she is...he's exactly like us- my sisters and i. it makes me so sad that we've missed so many years; it makes me so sad that we've been mentally and emotionally abused by my mother all this time and had not even known it.
i'm sad that i would have let my father go to his grave without having a relationship with him without the shit goggles my mother put on all of us...and i'm REALLY sad that i got my dad back because my baby is dead. because, really, that's what happened. that's how this all went down.
how do i reconcile it all? happy, sad. my baby has given me so much, yet there's nothing i can do for her. except realize that i am her. she is me. and i'm gonna take these gifts, goddamn it.
Showing posts with label mommy dearest. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy dearest. Show all posts
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
my mother, my midwife
i've been thinking, WHY THE FUCK did i allow my midwife to neglect my care like she did?
i'm not stupid. i know some stuff about nutrition, health...even pregnancy, labor, and delivery. i observed things about my pregnancy (important things) and let her convince me i was wrong. i let her convince me i was only following the antiquated protocol of evil obstetrics. i let myself emotionally and physically fall to shit...i mean, i had prenatal care; everything was going to be fine in the end. she was checking all the important stuff, right? my only concern was not getting another c-section.
when i look back on it now, i can't believe how many ways i was neglected by my caregiver. i understand that her belief is that no intervention is best, the body knows what it's doing, everything will be fine...(like i think coggy said,) IN A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WOMAN. the signs were there. she never ever should have taken me on as a client. in trying to prove (i guess) that no matter what, you always get a baby when you let nature take it's course, she let my baby die. to quote my ob, she also put my life in danger. and you know what??? KNOWING I WASN'T A CANDIDATE WAS NOT MY JOB. IT WAS HERS.
so, was it just blindness? was it blindness to the fact that i wasn't a candidate because i wanted a homebirth so badly? i read all the studies on uterine rupture and felt my risk was minimal. i felt confident about having a vbac, even at home (i have a master's degree in public health, for the love of god; i know how to read medical literature). but the real problems were lurking underneath all of that; the real problem was that she treated everything else about my case the same exact way she would have any other run-of-the-mill perfectly healthy pregnant woman. AND IT WASN'T MY JOB TO KNOW I WASN'T.
it also scared the shit out of me to learn (after my baby was dead) that her back-up plan SUCKS. there was absolutely NOTHING in place...she has no doctor liaisons at the hospitals, and her "medical advisor" is such in name only. once i was in the ER with a dead baby in my belly, she had nothing else to offer...no referrals, no NOTHING. i fell into the lap of the ob on call, and i was fortunate enough to get a really, really caring one. if not? fuck me, i guess.
it's not like i would have expected her to continue my care. i know, with a full-term dead baby inside me, i was out of the scope of her practice. but HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, what if i was in labor at home, and had a real, time-sensitive emergency??? i know that there are risks in homebirth, especially a vbac at home. the general rule is, no farther than 15 minutes from a hospital. no problem, i'm 10. but...and this is a huge BUT...once you get there, then what? the ultrasound tech on call lived an HOUR away. the ob on call was also sleeping in his bed. if anything went wrong during labor or delivery, we BOTH would have been dead.
i asked her about her backup plan a couple of weeks after i was no longer with child. she told me that what happens is she calls hospitals in the area to assess which is better staffed and then we transfer to the chosen hospital. is it me, or does that not seem good enough? and why in FUCK didn't i know about that while i was still pregnant?
so many questions. so many questions. the first answer, to me, is I MUST BE STUPID. i must be an ignorant, naive, daisies growing out of my head IDIOT. how could i risk so much, through blind ignorance, just because i wanted something a certain way? how could i trust my midwife, not ever having had the important conversations?
my genius of a therapist said a week ago, "doesn't the midwife remind you of your mother?"
it wasn't a pitch darkness to light brightness kind of lightbulb, but a slower, dimmer-switch kind of one that is increasing in brightness day by day. i felt comfortable being left to my own devices, felt comfortable being neglected, felt comfortable trusting someone so narcissistic, because that's what i'm accustomed to in a caregiver.
this whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, like a wet stain on a california king sized bedsheet. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i have no fucking idea who i was. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i had no idea who everyone else is either. having a dead baby is becoming the easiest part of this whole mess to figure out...she was here, she died, i love her and wish so fucking bad she was here, but she's not. but the rest? HOLY SHIT. i'm just gonna keep going, day by day, until the wet circle stops growing (maybe never).
someone said (maybe kalakly) that even her name means "messenger." still not buying anything remotely resembling *this happened for a reason* but i do know that having her is changing my life. my job, at this point, is to rise up and live it.
i'm not stupid. i know some stuff about nutrition, health...even pregnancy, labor, and delivery. i observed things about my pregnancy (important things) and let her convince me i was wrong. i let her convince me i was only following the antiquated protocol of evil obstetrics. i let myself emotionally and physically fall to shit...i mean, i had prenatal care; everything was going to be fine in the end. she was checking all the important stuff, right? my only concern was not getting another c-section.
when i look back on it now, i can't believe how many ways i was neglected by my caregiver. i understand that her belief is that no intervention is best, the body knows what it's doing, everything will be fine...(like i think coggy said,) IN A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WOMAN. the signs were there. she never ever should have taken me on as a client. in trying to prove (i guess) that no matter what, you always get a baby when you let nature take it's course, she let my baby die. to quote my ob, she also put my life in danger. and you know what??? KNOWING I WASN'T A CANDIDATE WAS NOT MY JOB. IT WAS HERS.
so, was it just blindness? was it blindness to the fact that i wasn't a candidate because i wanted a homebirth so badly? i read all the studies on uterine rupture and felt my risk was minimal. i felt confident about having a vbac, even at home (i have a master's degree in public health, for the love of god; i know how to read medical literature). but the real problems were lurking underneath all of that; the real problem was that she treated everything else about my case the same exact way she would have any other run-of-the-mill perfectly healthy pregnant woman. AND IT WASN'T MY JOB TO KNOW I WASN'T.
it also scared the shit out of me to learn (after my baby was dead) that her back-up plan SUCKS. there was absolutely NOTHING in place...she has no doctor liaisons at the hospitals, and her "medical advisor" is such in name only. once i was in the ER with a dead baby in my belly, she had nothing else to offer...no referrals, no NOTHING. i fell into the lap of the ob on call, and i was fortunate enough to get a really, really caring one. if not? fuck me, i guess.
it's not like i would have expected her to continue my care. i know, with a full-term dead baby inside me, i was out of the scope of her practice. but HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, what if i was in labor at home, and had a real, time-sensitive emergency??? i know that there are risks in homebirth, especially a vbac at home. the general rule is, no farther than 15 minutes from a hospital. no problem, i'm 10. but...and this is a huge BUT...once you get there, then what? the ultrasound tech on call lived an HOUR away. the ob on call was also sleeping in his bed. if anything went wrong during labor or delivery, we BOTH would have been dead.
i asked her about her backup plan a couple of weeks after i was no longer with child. she told me that what happens is she calls hospitals in the area to assess which is better staffed and then we transfer to the chosen hospital. is it me, or does that not seem good enough? and why in FUCK didn't i know about that while i was still pregnant?
so many questions. so many questions. the first answer, to me, is I MUST BE STUPID. i must be an ignorant, naive, daisies growing out of my head IDIOT. how could i risk so much, through blind ignorance, just because i wanted something a certain way? how could i trust my midwife, not ever having had the important conversations?
my genius of a therapist said a week ago, "doesn't the midwife remind you of your mother?"
it wasn't a pitch darkness to light brightness kind of lightbulb, but a slower, dimmer-switch kind of one that is increasing in brightness day by day. i felt comfortable being left to my own devices, felt comfortable being neglected, felt comfortable trusting someone so narcissistic, because that's what i'm accustomed to in a caregiver.
this whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, like a wet stain on a california king sized bedsheet. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i have no fucking idea who i was. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i had no idea who everyone else is either. having a dead baby is becoming the easiest part of this whole mess to figure out...she was here, she died, i love her and wish so fucking bad she was here, but she's not. but the rest? HOLY SHIT. i'm just gonna keep going, day by day, until the wet circle stops growing (maybe never).
someone said (maybe kalakly) that even her name means "messenger." still not buying anything remotely resembling *this happened for a reason* but i do know that having her is changing my life. my job, at this point, is to rise up and live it.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
sunday, sunday
last week, one of my daughters asked for my mother. it was the first time in about 6 weeks. the last time they saw her was for their birthday at the end of january, and the next time was to be easter.
i often ask them, "guess who's coming tomorrow?" and they never say grandma cu-koo.
this is not about punishing anyone, and i really honestly want to make this whole thing invisible to my kids. i don't want them to know how fucked up their grandmother is, especially because this is the only one they'll really grow up with, as husband's mother is pretty old and decrepit (besides being pretty looney-toons, much like my own; i'm actually not speaking to her either. i can't win).
so...i emailed my mother and told her to come sunday with my grandmother. those two- my mother and grandmother- are like the duo from hell. they're like an old bitter bickering married couple, and why not? they've lived with each other in co-dependency for 57 years. my grandmother complains and nit-picks shit about the kids all day (besides trying to clean my house), and my mother wallows in what she thinks is child adoration while finding a way to become offended at whatever is going on. it really fucking sucks.
the visit as a whole was not bad; my general attitude is, i hate drama and act towards her as i would anyone else. i can tell she tried to act "normal," seeing as she really is the most uptight individual on the planet earth. she made a little small talk and didn't try to confront me at all. she acted cheery and agreeable. the visit, after all, was a chance for her to "prove" to me that she's changing, and i'm sure she expects some instant gratification for her hard work...like for me to decide she's no longer "restricted" to holidays.
in my mind, the visit only solidified the fact that i can't stand to be around her. i simply don't like her personality, like, at all. there are not two people in the universe as opposite. and the fact remains, no matter how mundane, she is toxic for me. on top of that, i don't want to expose my kids to too much of her. and honestly? i didn't feel bad, i didn't feel sad; i felt like i was hosting an annoying stranger.
i swear to god, i can never remember loving her...and i can remember alot. i remember when my mother had my sister and i stayed with my father's mother for a week; i remember my sister coming home. i was 22 months old. i remember that as being the time i broke connection with her, and never really got it back. since then, she was just someone i'd had to work around to do what i wanted until i became 18 (the age of freedom)...don't forget, she functioned as a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i don't think i ever loved her. everything i've ever felt for her was always wrapped in confusion and forced respect...i could never put a finger on what the fuck i really felt, or what i thought her problem was. more than that, she convinced me i was a cold hearted, insensitive, non-loving person with a charmed life...when really she had a personality disorder and was just jealous of me...and i only figured that out NOW.
yeah, the visit only confirmed that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, will come of this, EVER.
except that she's bringing her new internet man on easter...and THAT should give my sisters and i plenty to amuse ourselves with for a long, long time...
i often ask them, "guess who's coming tomorrow?" and they never say grandma cu-koo.
this is not about punishing anyone, and i really honestly want to make this whole thing invisible to my kids. i don't want them to know how fucked up their grandmother is, especially because this is the only one they'll really grow up with, as husband's mother is pretty old and decrepit (besides being pretty looney-toons, much like my own; i'm actually not speaking to her either. i can't win).
so...i emailed my mother and told her to come sunday with my grandmother. those two- my mother and grandmother- are like the duo from hell. they're like an old bitter bickering married couple, and why not? they've lived with each other in co-dependency for 57 years. my grandmother complains and nit-picks shit about the kids all day (besides trying to clean my house), and my mother wallows in what she thinks is child adoration while finding a way to become offended at whatever is going on. it really fucking sucks.
the visit as a whole was not bad; my general attitude is, i hate drama and act towards her as i would anyone else. i can tell she tried to act "normal," seeing as she really is the most uptight individual on the planet earth. she made a little small talk and didn't try to confront me at all. she acted cheery and agreeable. the visit, after all, was a chance for her to "prove" to me that she's changing, and i'm sure she expects some instant gratification for her hard work...like for me to decide she's no longer "restricted" to holidays.
in my mind, the visit only solidified the fact that i can't stand to be around her. i simply don't like her personality, like, at all. there are not two people in the universe as opposite. and the fact remains, no matter how mundane, she is toxic for me. on top of that, i don't want to expose my kids to too much of her. and honestly? i didn't feel bad, i didn't feel sad; i felt like i was hosting an annoying stranger.
i swear to god, i can never remember loving her...and i can remember alot. i remember when my mother had my sister and i stayed with my father's mother for a week; i remember my sister coming home. i was 22 months old. i remember that as being the time i broke connection with her, and never really got it back. since then, she was just someone i'd had to work around to do what i wanted until i became 18 (the age of freedom)...don't forget, she functioned as a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i don't think i ever loved her. everything i've ever felt for her was always wrapped in confusion and forced respect...i could never put a finger on what the fuck i really felt, or what i thought her problem was. more than that, she convinced me i was a cold hearted, insensitive, non-loving person with a charmed life...when really she had a personality disorder and was just jealous of me...and i only figured that out NOW.
yeah, the visit only confirmed that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, will come of this, EVER.
except that she's bringing her new internet man on easter...and THAT should give my sisters and i plenty to amuse ourselves with for a long, long time...
Monday, February 25, 2008
what's been up
besides my computer crashing and dealing with a stressed-out husband (yes, it WAS the end of the world), the past week has been really, certifiably crazy.
first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.
i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."
my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.
next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.
because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.
so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?
first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.
i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."
my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.
next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.
because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.
so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?
Friday, January 11, 2008
personal jesus
p@ige was going to fix everything.
she was my miracle (well, my coincidental) baby. her conception made me one of "them"; a reproductively normal girl. i peed, i got two lines, just like that. even my response was normal..."what the fuck? i wasn't planning on this! this is terrrrrrible! the universe is screwing me yet again!" we had already decided that we wouldn't have any more children, and it took a while to override my previous plans.
but once i did override my old mindset, that baby was my ticket to getting the normal pregnancy, labor and delivery, the normal breastfeeding. i was going to have the experience of attachment with a single baby.
the pregnancy was normal...it sucked ass. you are reading this, so the rest went straight to hell. but you already know all that.
i guess in retrospect, that was alot of responsibility to heave onto a little baby. i am starting to realize that she was not going to fix things. maybe the reason i never felt attachment towards the kids i have isn't because i was handicapped during the pregnancy, isn't because of the c-section, isn't because they were in the NICU for three weeks, isn't because i was hooked up to a breastpump like a cow for a year, isn't because there were three of them and it was hell.
in retrospect, maybe p@ige would have been born alive and i'd have the same attachment issues with her as i do with the others. maybe another baby isn't going to solve those problems for me, either.
but she died. and she's forcing me to think about the fact that nothing can help me but my own blood, sweat, and tears. not for a fraction of a second do i believe that my baby is dead for a reason, but she is teaching me about myself. her being dead is forcing me to confront myself; forcing me to realize that no outside force would have or could help my emotional/spiritual self.
i don't feel attachment with my children because i was brought up by a mother who was more like a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i learned very early not to get emotionally attached, it can only lead to pain.
maybe the only baby left to be cared for is me, and in doing that, my babies who lived.
she was my miracle (well, my coincidental) baby. her conception made me one of "them"; a reproductively normal girl. i peed, i got two lines, just like that. even my response was normal..."what the fuck? i wasn't planning on this! this is terrrrrrible! the universe is screwing me yet again!" we had already decided that we wouldn't have any more children, and it took a while to override my previous plans.
but once i did override my old mindset, that baby was my ticket to getting the normal pregnancy, labor and delivery, the normal breastfeeding. i was going to have the experience of attachment with a single baby.
the pregnancy was normal...it sucked ass. you are reading this, so the rest went straight to hell. but you already know all that.
i guess in retrospect, that was alot of responsibility to heave onto a little baby. i am starting to realize that she was not going to fix things. maybe the reason i never felt attachment towards the kids i have isn't because i was handicapped during the pregnancy, isn't because of the c-section, isn't because they were in the NICU for three weeks, isn't because i was hooked up to a breastpump like a cow for a year, isn't because there were three of them and it was hell.
in retrospect, maybe p@ige would have been born alive and i'd have the same attachment issues with her as i do with the others. maybe another baby isn't going to solve those problems for me, either.
but she died. and she's forcing me to think about the fact that nothing can help me but my own blood, sweat, and tears. not for a fraction of a second do i believe that my baby is dead for a reason, but she is teaching me about myself. her being dead is forcing me to confront myself; forcing me to realize that no outside force would have or could help my emotional/spiritual self.
i don't feel attachment with my children because i was brought up by a mother who was more like a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i learned very early not to get emotionally attached, it can only lead to pain.
maybe the only baby left to be cared for is me, and in doing that, my babies who lived.
Friday, November 30, 2007
fortitude, and fuck you
because i am a technical retard, you don't see the FLAME OF FORTITUDE award i received from meg. but i did, and thanks, meg!!!
i want to pass the flame over to C., who's responsible for most of my tears. thank you, C., for bringing that out. i also want to pass it to Coggy, who's back to work with balls of steel.
ok, so, WOW. you know how you sometimes, now that you blog, think of posts in your head? how you sometimes, even when you're talking or emailing, think, "i'm gonna post this."
that didn't happen with the emails to my mother.
the deal with her is, she is a very selfish and self-righteous woman. she's fucked me over during every major crisis in my life, because if you don't beg her for her support, she reserves the right to believe whatever the fuck she wants about you and your actions. unfortunately for her, having a dead baby forces you to stare in the face of every other loss in your life. in this case, i lost a mother as a girl. we were very much neglected as kids (i, being the oldest). she was concerned only about herself, yet also had an ongoing battle with her own mother about taking care of us. she didn't want us to be taken care of by her mother, she didn't do it, and so...we weren't taken care of at all. she was also extremely controlling (and like i said, i was the oldest)...so what do you do with no love and a shitload of rules?? now that i have my own children, she seems to think she's their second mother. i think it's more like she thinks she's got a second chance after fucking up so royally with her own three daughters. SORRY, but that is making me SICK.
anyway, i didn't plan on posting those. only after i sent the last one, the one containing the big, fat FUCK YOU, did it occur to me that i needed support; i needed witnesses.
it feels liberating and horrible at the same time. all i know right now is that if i have any chance at all of dealing with the past, FINALLY, i need to be free of her for a while. how can i possibly deal with it if she's constantly creating new drama, hogging up precious therapy minutes with new, improved bullshit???
it may seem like a bad time, but i think it's actually the perfect time to deal with this. i no longer have the energy to hold back my emotions about what she's done to me, exactly BECAUSE i have a dead baby to grieve. i don't have the, the...strength? to push the shit down and act strong anymore.
ooooooooooh p@ige, you opened up a whole can of kick-ass, didn't you.
i always knew you'd be feisty!
i want to pass the flame over to C., who's responsible for most of my tears. thank you, C., for bringing that out. i also want to pass it to Coggy, who's back to work with balls of steel.
ok, so, WOW. you know how you sometimes, now that you blog, think of posts in your head? how you sometimes, even when you're talking or emailing, think, "i'm gonna post this."
that didn't happen with the emails to my mother.
the deal with her is, she is a very selfish and self-righteous woman. she's fucked me over during every major crisis in my life, because if you don't beg her for her support, she reserves the right to believe whatever the fuck she wants about you and your actions. unfortunately for her, having a dead baby forces you to stare in the face of every other loss in your life. in this case, i lost a mother as a girl. we were very much neglected as kids (i, being the oldest). she was concerned only about herself, yet also had an ongoing battle with her own mother about taking care of us. she didn't want us to be taken care of by her mother, she didn't do it, and so...we weren't taken care of at all. she was also extremely controlling (and like i said, i was the oldest)...so what do you do with no love and a shitload of rules?? now that i have my own children, she seems to think she's their second mother. i think it's more like she thinks she's got a second chance after fucking up so royally with her own three daughters. SORRY, but that is making me SICK.
anyway, i didn't plan on posting those. only after i sent the last one, the one containing the big, fat FUCK YOU, did it occur to me that i needed support; i needed witnesses.
it feels liberating and horrible at the same time. all i know right now is that if i have any chance at all of dealing with the past, FINALLY, i need to be free of her for a while. how can i possibly deal with it if she's constantly creating new drama, hogging up precious therapy minutes with new, improved bullshit???
it may seem like a bad time, but i think it's actually the perfect time to deal with this. i no longer have the energy to hold back my emotions about what she's done to me, exactly BECAUSE i have a dead baby to grieve. i don't have the, the...strength? to push the shit down and act strong anymore.
ooooooooooh p@ige, you opened up a whole can of kick-ass, didn't you.
i always knew you'd be feisty!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
mommy dearest
On Nov 28, 2007 6:38 PM, charmedgirl wrote:
i want to make sure that you understood that i can't see you or hear from you for a while.
maybe you were right all this time, saying i was extra nasty to you, there must be something there underneath it.
when you said that you ARE selfish, and that it obviously won't change, i realized that it was true (i knew that already, but hoped you were stronger than that). no, i will not work around it. i am sick of it.
i guess since i didn't get raped as a child, i had no business ever complaining about/being effected by what you put me through.
you don't know me. you have no idea who i am. YOU DO NOT SEE ME AT ALL. YOU DO NOT HEAR ME. it seems your only intention during any conversation is to make YOURSELF understood.
as i do not want to get into a rediculous back-and-forth over definitions and semantics and petty specifics, i will end by saying that the reason i asked you to pay my co-pay was not because of any emotional need to feel cared for by you, or for spite, or for any feeling of fairness since you are the reason i'm there. i wanted you to pay it to take away just a little bit of the seething anger that is coming up at you...dare i say i was trying to do you a favor?
the difference between you and me (your words: my parents fucked me up, but they didn't pay for my therapy) is that i am not dependent on you to support my children, have a place to live, for emotional support, for life advice, for anything at all.....i can choose to get you out of my life, and that was never an option for you. maybe the biggest reason you hate your mother is because you know you could never survive without her or her help.
the x-mas stockings- i don't care what you do with it. burn them, knit a sweater, wind the yarn around your hula hoop. i don't want them. you only asked me numerous times to let you knit them so you could relentlessly tell the kids MIMI MADE THEIR STOCKINGS. forget the fact that you tried to tell me you'd make them next year because all you want to do is sit on the computer all day and night.
i'm sure above all else you are terrified this means you can't see the kids either. they will see you on holidays, and feel free to arrange with [husband] to see them when i have other plans. hey, don't worry. i loved nonna plenty and only saw her 6-7 times a year.
mommy dearest <mommydearest@hell.com> wrote:
I am not going to address all this, because I know that's not what you want me to do.
I have decided to go to therapy for this SPECIFIC reason, to try to make sense of all this too, and to make the changes I need to make.
My biggest pain is NOT not seeing the children. It's the fact that you are punishing THEM for something I did or didn't do. Whether you like it or not, those children are attached to me.
And you know what? Just like I have to deal with my sins and how they affected YOU now that you are grown up, YOU WILL NEED TO DEAL WITH THOSE CHILDREN WHEN THEY ASKED WHY THEY SUDDENLY LOST THEIR GRANDMOTHER.
charmedgirl wrote:
fuck you for trying to use those kids against me you self-righteous bitch.
i'll take my chances.
i want to make sure that you understood that i can't see you or hear from you for a while.
maybe you were right all this time, saying i was extra nasty to you, there must be something there underneath it.
when you said that you ARE selfish, and that it obviously won't change, i realized that it was true (i knew that already, but hoped you were stronger than that). no, i will not work around it. i am sick of it.
i guess since i didn't get raped as a child, i had no business ever complaining about/being effected by what you put me through.
you don't know me. you have no idea who i am. YOU DO NOT SEE ME AT ALL. YOU DO NOT HEAR ME. it seems your only intention during any conversation is to make YOURSELF understood.
as i do not want to get into a rediculous back-and-forth over definitions and semantics and petty specifics, i will end by saying that the reason i asked you to pay my co-pay was not because of any emotional need to feel cared for by you, or for spite, or for any feeling of fairness since you are the reason i'm there. i wanted you to pay it to take away just a little bit of the seething anger that is coming up at you...dare i say i was trying to do you a favor?
the difference between you and me (your words: my parents fucked me up, but they didn't pay for my therapy) is that i am not dependent on you to support my children, have a place to live, for emotional support, for life advice, for anything at all.....i can choose to get you out of my life, and that was never an option for you. maybe the biggest reason you hate your mother is because you know you could never survive without her or her help.
the x-mas stockings- i don't care what you do with it. burn them, knit a sweater, wind the yarn around your hula hoop. i don't want them. you only asked me numerous times to let you knit them so you could relentlessly tell the kids MIMI MADE THEIR STOCKINGS. forget the fact that you tried to tell me you'd make them next year because all you want to do is sit on the computer all day and night.
i'm sure above all else you are terrified this means you can't see the kids either. they will see you on holidays, and feel free to arrange with [husband] to see them when i have other plans. hey, don't worry. i loved nonna plenty and only saw her 6-7 times a year.
mommy dearest <mommydearest@hell.com> wrote:
I am not going to address all this, because I know that's not what you want me to do.
I have decided to go to therapy for this SPECIFIC reason, to try to make sense of all this too, and to make the changes I need to make.
My biggest pain is NOT not seeing the children. It's the fact that you are punishing THEM for something I did or didn't do. Whether you like it or not, those children are attached to me.
And you know what? Just like I have to deal with my sins and how they affected YOU now that you are grown up, YOU WILL NEED TO DEAL WITH THOSE CHILDREN WHEN THEY ASKED WHY THEY SUDDENLY LOST THEIR GRANDMOTHER.
fuck you for trying to use those kids against me you self-righteous bitch.
i'll take my chances.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
thanksgiving
i'm just going to say what happened, besides three valium, a shit load of wine, and basically no food.
my mother is a total self-centered child. my sister and i planned every course and made all the food. did i mention my mother is totally incompetent? how did this woman raise three children? mind you, i say "raised" pretty casually. and i don't feel anyone gave two shits about the effort my sister and i made for the meal.
the highlight of my night was crying incessantly about my dead baby. when people started to filter into my safe room, i went onto the bathroom where i rocked her back and forth. crying. soon i pulled the towel from the rack and cradled and rocked it and cried. sick, yet satisfying.
i am not thankful for anything. well, i am thankful for my children, yet i don't really feel thankful. that's the truth as it exists for me.
my baby is dead, goddamn it. i have alot of hatred about that.
i mean, what the fuck?
my mother is a total self-centered child. my sister and i planned every course and made all the food. did i mention my mother is totally incompetent? how did this woman raise three children? mind you, i say "raised" pretty casually. and i don't feel anyone gave two shits about the effort my sister and i made for the meal.
the highlight of my night was crying incessantly about my dead baby. when people started to filter into my safe room, i went onto the bathroom where i rocked her back and forth. crying. soon i pulled the towel from the rack and cradled and rocked it and cried. sick, yet satisfying.
i am not thankful for anything. well, i am thankful for my children, yet i don't really feel thankful. that's the truth as it exists for me.
my baby is dead, goddamn it. i have alot of hatred about that.
i mean, what the fuck?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
