FUUCKKKKKKK

i am staying away. i haven't posted, have barely checked my charmedgirl email, have stayed away from bloglines (lest i drown in the sheer numbers).

i am losing weight. i am feeling more my old self. i am questioning my desire to get pregnant again. i think i've decided not to do the RE thing, but instead try the fucking OPTs for a few months. and then, i think, maybe, stop.

i am going out with friends every other friday. friday night was always good for me. it's still good, maybe even better now because on sunday i don't feel depressed about an empty life with no children. things are looking up.

husband is edgy and depressed. he is with me on the no RE thing, but he's just so sad. he doesn't want to work. he wants to be home. i don't blame him. i told him he can't escape it so don't try; i also told him i feel like i'm getting better and he's getting worse. he agreed.

p@ige...i'm forgetting. i want to forget. i want to move on. i still cry, but not like before. she ripped open my head and my heart and my flesh...made it possible to uncover so many truths. she's my savior, my personal jesus. she is dead, but i'm alive. i guess i want to forget the pain and remember her, and what's happened because of her.

my deadbaby friends, i miss you! i am trying to figure out how to live my life and still come back here. i'm not sure how it's going to work. i think about you and sometimes read your blogs...but i'm scared to comment and lose myself in deadbabyland. i'm an asshole.

c., i am so, so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. FUCK.

do i even want to?

my sister is 19 weeks pregnant.

two weeks ago, they informed her that her blood serum indicated an increased chance of spin@ bifid@. last thursday, i went to the genetic counselor with her because her husband couldn't make it. it turned out to be a good thing, since i had to answer so many questions; my infertility and stillbirth increases her chances of problems...from their chart's point of view, anyway.

two days ago, she had her ultrasound. (i'm still fucking shocked at how long they made her wait to find out. i would have NEVER been able to wait that long, but then again, i'm totally batshit crazy at this point.)

the baby is fine, as far as they can see. it's also a boy, which i'm thrilled to death about. i'm really glad i don't have to worry about having another baby girl around to remind me of anything. A BOY. a totally different species. thank the good lord above.

(it's seven months today since my baby died. i am running out of steam. i am running out of care. it's inside me, but i don't want to acknowledge it.)

i'm still not pregnant. HOLY SHIT!! big surprise, right? the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. i'm trying to get pregnant again. the longer it takes to happen, the more times a day i will go back and forth on whether or not i really want it to happen. i am so fucking angry. and sad.

i don't want to do this anymore. i don't know what i want. i just hope i keep caring less and less.

records

it seems like so much has happened i don't know where to start. and that makes me feel like never posting again...like there's just too much, i can't remember it all. why bother. i think that's why i posted my creepy cemetery picture. if i did that i can't just walk away, right?

i picked up my medical records from the hospital last week. i could barely skim each page; i wanted to read it all so fast that i barely read anything the first time through. all i kept seeing was (big surprise) fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise.

the other thing that really bothered me was seeing the date over and over. what the fuck? did i think that date was erased from history?

and the ER records. i remember being wheeled around, knowing the worst was happening...and there was what everyone around me was scratching into my chart. fetal demise. no viability. no bloodflow. confirmation. confirmed.

another interesting thing was the full dictation from the ob. he had no idea if i would even show up the next day for my delivery. he thought there was a real possibility i would try to return to the care of my midwife. WHA?? everything aside, it was truly the last goddamn thing in the universe that even entered my brain, but i guess it's possible that someone, somewhere, would do that. i, on the other hand, remember thanking my lucky stars that i'd had a c-section and could get another one the next day. i wanted it over asap.

reading those records was like going to the dimension where the photo album of my pregnancy photos are stored. i'm starting to feel like it didn't happen to me. i'm starting to feel like i want to run away and just move the fuck on with my life. i seriously considered not coming back, not writing anymore. i still do. but i just don't trust myself enough right now.