my sister is 19 weeks pregnant.
two weeks ago, they informed her that her blood serum indicated an increased chance of spin@ bifid@. last thursday, i went to the genetic counselor with her because her husband couldn't make it. it turned out to be a good thing, since i had to answer so many questions; my infertility and stillbirth increases her chances of problems...from their chart's point of view, anyway.
two days ago, she had her ultrasound. (i'm still fucking shocked at how long they made her wait to find out. i would have NEVER been able to wait that long, but then again, i'm totally batshit crazy at this point.)
the baby is fine, as far as they can see. it's also a boy, which i'm thrilled to death about. i'm really glad i don't have to worry about having another baby girl around to remind me of anything. A BOY. a totally different species. thank the good lord above.
(it's seven months today since my baby died. i am running out of steam. i am running out of care. it's inside me, but i don't want to acknowledge it.)
i'm still not pregnant. HOLY SHIT!! big surprise, right? the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. i'm trying to get pregnant again. the longer it takes to happen, the more times a day i will go back and forth on whether or not i really want it to happen. i am so fucking angry. and sad.
i don't want to do this anymore. i don't know what i want. i just hope i keep caring less and less.
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16 comments:
Hang in there alright. I know all that crap about it happening when it is "supposed to" and all is not comforting, but I do think the more you relax, the better EVERYTHING will be. Spend some time taking care of YOU for a while, and put the rest on the back burner.
Wow. And I know. How I think I'll be able to manage "the usual" chromosomal and genetic bullshit all the while knowing they'll never catch the big one is beyond me. Makes me nervous just thinking about it.
You're an awesome sister to go in there with her. Just awesome.
You're an amazing person, charmed girl. You really are.
I'm betting they made her wait because they needed the baby to be big enough to see the spine carefully.
That said, you are a great person for being there for her. I'm sure it was hard.
Sometimes, not caring is just so much easier. Your sister is lucky to have you.
I'm relieved to hear her baby is alright and I totally get you being thrilled it's a boy. That's sort of how I feel about my friend and her baby. I even told her, because I'm obviously and inconsiderate asshat, that it would have been harder on me had she had a boy.
As for the pregnancy thing and being mad and sad amongst everything else, I get it. I don't get the infertile thing, but I get the emotions, the fear, the questionning, and all the shit that goes with it. I'm sorry you are having to go through this right now. I wish it could be easier and just happen.
Yet another anniversary. They just won't fuck off will they? Thinking of you, charmedgirl. XO.
If it happens...then it will...sucks in the meantime though
please at least give yourself the option to take a break...from everything if you need to.
thinking of you...hoping for you..
its a roller coaster we can never get off, isn't it? sometimes i'm having fun and sometimes i just want to throw up.
You know, every month in the first year was horrible in a new and different way. Sort of like walking from room to room.
I would be surprised if the events of the last couple of weeks didn't shake you. Give yourself a break and some time, if you can. There is still time until June, and you are allowed to change your mind as many times as you need to.
Caring? Like, what's that?
I'm going to sound like an AA counselor...one day at a time...sorry. But I swear that's all you can do. Just take it as slow as you need to and focus on what you need for you,if you know what that is. With all that you have going on, you gotta let yourself breathe. Glad to hear the nephew is ok. 40 weeks is a fucking eternity isn't it? Or a whole lifetime cut short~sigh~
I miss you Charmer...email me anytime, kay?
I don't want to do this anymore either. I don't just mean the crying and grieving, but also the desperate ttc again. Sucks.
I'm glad your sisters results are OK. How come none of this is easy?
I feel the same way about friends babies, I'm OK if they have a girl, but a boy... not so much.
Niobe is too funny
I'm so glad your sister's baby is okay. She's lucky to have you. I don't know that I could muster up the whatever to go to someone else's prenatal appointment, no matter what the circumstance.
TTC, ugh. The elephant in the room. Do you want it, when is the 'right' time? Freaky shit. I want a baby, can I handle a pregnancy, how to balance the two. email me anytime :)
COGGY, how can I gain access to your blog? :( ?
haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope you're doing ok.
Thinking of you..
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