i am staying away. i haven't posted, have barely checked my charmedgirl email, have stayed away from bloglines (lest i drown in the sheer numbers).
i am losing weight. i am feeling more my old self. i am questioning my desire to get pregnant again. i think i've decided not to do the RE thing, but instead try the fucking OPTs for a few months. and then, i think, maybe, stop.
i am going out with friends every other friday. friday night was always good for me. it's still good, maybe even better now because on sunday i don't feel depressed about an empty life with no children. things are looking up.
husband is edgy and depressed. he is with me on the no RE thing, but he's just so sad. he doesn't want to work. he wants to be home. i don't blame him. i told him he can't escape it so don't try; i also told him i feel like i'm getting better and he's getting worse. he agreed.
p@ige...i'm forgetting. i want to forget. i want to move on. i still cry, but not like before. she ripped open my head and my heart and my flesh...made it possible to uncover so many truths. she's my savior, my personal jesus. she is dead, but i'm alive. i guess i want to forget the pain and remember her, and what's happened because of her.
my deadbaby friends, i miss you! i am trying to figure out how to live my life and still come back here. i'm not sure how it's going to work. i think about you and sometimes read your blogs...but i'm scared to comment and lose myself in deadbabyland. i'm an asshole.
c., i am so, so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. FUCK.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
- a little pregnant
- a mending heart?
- afterwards
- anarchist mom
- antigone lost
- awful but functioning
- broken heart diaries
- dead baby jokes
- diary of a domestic diva
- i won't fear love
- it's a strange world
- letters to the babies that lived
- losses and gains
- mi isla sola
- missing micah
- my new reality
- my resurfacing
- oh well
- paw prints
- postsecret
- quiet sanctuary
- SAHM of 3
- the para.graph
- this is not what i had planned
- yummy sushi pajamas
11 comments:
You don't owe anyone an apology for being able to go on with your life. Moving forward and embracing life again is NOT forgetting your sweet little girl. It's good that it isn't so raw anymore. It's how things are meant to work.
I hope you continue to progress and feel better and better. I hope your husband can find a way to do the same.
I will be thinking of you both.
I miss you, charmy. I'm happy to know you are okay. Really. You do what you need to do to get better. You don't need to be tethered to deadbabyland if it's not doing anything for you. Moving forward just can't happen if you are stuck in grief. I know this.
Thinking of you always. XO.
Great to hear from you, and you need to do what feels best FOR YOU. No need to justify or explain it to us.
I have a kid's book on death called "Why Dinosaurs Die," and I swear one of the hardest lines to read to Bella out of that is the last page, where it reminds you that it's "good to be alive." That being alive is great! Because often it's not. And yet, it is. You see my point. And I totally get yours.
Thinking of you.
Soooooo not an asshole. You don't owe anyone anything. We are all here because and when it does something for us. When it doesn't, staying is not a good idea. This is just where you are. I am glad to hear you are ok (even if hubby needs some help, and that happens sometimes-- we seesaw too sometimes),and that yuo have a plan, even if it is a different plan than it was a little bit ago.
One thing I learned is that this thing is so fluid that banking on anything being final is a fool's errand. So give yourself permission to change your mind gazillion more times if you have to, ok?
It's frightening really the changes we go through. A friend told me that if you wait it out the madness lessens, the insane desire to have another baby lessens you start to be released. I thought that was crap, but she was right of does. Nearly 8 months out for the both of us now and we sound like we're in similar places. There is more than all this sadness. Its always there but it can't be all of us all the time.
Having said that I miss you. Maybe you could blog here and just save your comments and conversations for your comments section. No need to get sucked into dead baby land so much that way. Or just don't read other blogs I for one will always check in on you. I don't expect reciprocation.
I'm sure you will figure out what you want to do. I hope your husband starts to feel better. I think its the way it goes I guess they have to keep it together while we can't, now its their turn.
*hugs*
I am so glad you are finding yourself again.
things will work themselves out somehow...I just know it. they always do.
miss you terribly, but we understand.
Miss you and can very much relate to how you're feeling right now - sometimes I feel like I'm swallowed in deadbabyland and thoughts, yet my life is full.
x
You gotta do what feels good for you. I totally get the fear of being consumed by deadbabyland. I started to feel that way and had to back off until I felt like I could keep some perspective, you know? Cuz it had started to feel like it was everything, the only thing, and that is what was pulling me down.
I missed your posts, your comments and you, but I undestand why you need to be away. I hope you can find the balance you need, it's fucking hard as all get out isn't it?????
Maybe the husband is finally allowing himself to grieve full on because he sees you in a place emotionally where he isn't as worried about you and feeling the need to fix you, so now he feels like he can let his out without pulling you down with him? Does that make sense?
Deadbaby's: The gift that keeps on giving.... (that's my husbands philosphy anyway)
xxoo
i get it- we all find our own ways- know that i wish nothing but the best for you and if that means letting you go then that's what i'll do.
Mmm....Depeche Mode.
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