p@ige was going to fix everything.
she was my miracle (well, my coincidental) baby. her conception made me one of "them"; a reproductively normal girl. i peed, i got two lines, just like that. even my response was normal..."what the fuck? i wasn't planning on this! this is terrrrrrible! the universe is screwing me yet again!" we had already decided that we wouldn't have any more children, and it took a while to override my previous plans.
but once i did override my old mindset, that baby was my ticket to getting the normal pregnancy, labor and delivery, the normal breastfeeding. i was going to have the experience of attachment with a single baby.
the pregnancy was normal...it sucked ass. you are reading this, so the rest went straight to hell. but you already know all that.
i guess in retrospect, that was alot of responsibility to heave onto a little baby. i am starting to realize that she was not going to fix things. maybe the reason i never felt attachment towards the kids i have isn't because i was handicapped during the pregnancy, isn't because of the c-section, isn't because they were in the NICU for three weeks, isn't because i was hooked up to a breastpump like a cow for a year, isn't because there were three of them and it was hell.
in retrospect, maybe p@ige would have been born alive and i'd have the same attachment issues with her as i do with the others. maybe another baby isn't going to solve those problems for me, either.
but she died. and she's forcing me to think about the fact that nothing can help me but my own blood, sweat, and tears. not for a fraction of a second do i believe that my baby is dead for a reason, but she is teaching me about myself. her being dead is forcing me to confront myself; forcing me to realize that no outside force would have or could help my emotional/spiritual self.
i don't feel attachment with my children because i was brought up by a mother who was more like a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i learned very early not to get emotionally attached, it can only lead to pain.
maybe the only baby left to be cared for is me, and in doing that, my babies who lived.
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11 comments:
I also believe there is no reason for my baby dying. I hate it when people say that to me: "There is reason or significance or a lesson to be found in his death." I HATE THAT!
You're right, as well, about having put pressure on our babies. C@llum was going to save me from my past errors. That was my hope and plan. I would magically become a better mom because of him. I, very likely, would have been very disappointed with myself. He couldn't save me from that. Only I can save myself.
Only I can save myself. If that's not a slap in the face, I don't know what is. I wish he didn't have to die for me to realize it.
Thinking of you, charmedgirl. This post is so very introspective. Makes me think, too. XO.
I struggle with the concept that my twins are dead for a reason. Sometimes I really believe that there is one and that I just have to figure it out.
I'm fascinated (and saddened) by your self-analysis. Looking at it from the point of view of an outsider, who doesn't know you at all, what you say certainly has a ring of truth about it. Which is not to say that it's the whole truth or the only truth.
I'm torn. I envy people actually who can say things like "my deadbaby brought about these positive changes in me" because my deadbaby only brought about a shitload of negatives. I'd love to find a positive meaning for her really ugly short little pain-filled life. I feel in a wierd way she deserves it, or at least, no less than her sister, just because her life was only 6 days long.
Just a thought since I'm really on the infertility bandwagon lately, but have you considered detachment issues related to infertility? I know it actually took me a few weeks after Bella was born to exhale and realize she was here and it was ok to love her. I expect after going through what you did the experience might be exacerbated. And Jebus, after this experience? I'll be lucky if I bond with any future child by the time they're 18.
I don't believe that Owen died for a grand "reason" - he died because as much it sucks, death is a part of life- human beings are not perfect and things go wrong. Anything I'm "learning" from this is all me. Sometimes I think it can be easier in a way to put it on Owen though...
I think you sound remarkably self-aware. I guess my next question is what do you do with this knowledge? I mean that sincerely too, not sarcastically- I hope it reads that way...
xoxo
Yeah, charmedgirl...oh yes. I could have written this very post. Only in my case, I just wanted to have a baby that lived, to make up for the one that didn't.
In terms of the attachment issues...
I also have them big time. I wanted a baby so desperately, so that I could *know* what a family felt like, and what mothering actually is. I know that a baby would not have fixed all these things that were missing from my life. I know that a life baby would not have made up for the dead ones. I don't feel attached to the ones I lost. That's why I can't mourn for them properly (or at all).
So...what is the answer in all this? I think it's the last line, where you write of the person who has to be taken care of. It's you and it's me too. It's not a "reason" for their deaths, but it is something I can learn from it.
Wow... This is such a heavy post. I like that you are thinking of yourself and what you might need right now.
I think we are all reevaluating our worlds right now... It will be interesting to see where we end up.
I also struggle that I lost 4 children 'for a reason' - I can't wrap my head around that as a concept. Let alone any of the stuff, I think my had may explode.
In a million years, I could never come up with a reason for any baby dying. I just live with the "Bad shit happens to good (or in my case sometimes good) people" all the time.
I think it's the kool aid drinkers, oops I mean, religious folks, who are always trying to find some sort of justification for the really bad stuff, otherwise they might have to ? the Almighty a bit more than they'd like too.
Like C., I too was banking on being a better mommy to Caleb, fixing all the things I think I've done wrong before, it's a lot to put on a tiny baby.
Maybe P@ige, and losing her will help you feel differently about being a mom, but that doesn't mean she died for a reason. Just that you have given meaning to her life.
I believe J@cob died because something went horribly wrong. I do believe it may have been avoidable and I DO NOT believe that it happened for any f*cking reason. Because of whatever f*cked up thing happening he was denied the chance to live.
I find it very difficult to find anything positive to come from that. I do appreciate things differently now, I probably do more productive things now than I used to do in terms of being creative and not just watching the TV. I don't see any of those as being something positive occurring due to J@cob's death. Those things have happened because I can't stand to do the stuff I used to or to be the person I was.
I think I thought J@cob was my way of finding meaning in life. I wasn't happy at work, I think DH and I had sort of fallen into a comfortable routine and I thought J@cob would help somehow. I realise now that would not have been the case. All the things those bigger 'what should I do with my life' questions would still have been there, only I would have a baby as well. I am trying to address some of those things now. I feel like I am slowly making progress.
I wish I didn't have any of this self-awareness. I wish I didn't have a clue how meaningless my life had been up till now. I wish I was as ignorant and blinkered as I used to be. In short I wish I had my son.
Thank you for this post. It has made me think a lot about myself over the last few days.
I don't know what to believe...All i know is this wasn't suppose to happen. I had decided along time ago that I was done having children and then all of a sudden I too peed on a stick and just like that I was thrown into this huge life changing event that I questioned and sometimes even regreted silently early on. Then I woke up one morning and I was in love. I got used to the idea of have 3. I had just come to except that I was given a third chance to correct everything I had done wrong the last two times.. I was going to be a mom again and i was going to be a great mom... and then it was taken away ...Did this happen because the world is a sucky place or did I bank to much on this baby? This baby was supposed to help me become a better mom? sounds silly doesn't it?...It gives me a lot to think about
Very good, introspective post.
I do not believe for a second that bad things happen for a reason. Our babies do not die for a reason. Bad stuff happens because humanity is not perfect.
I am sure that in our sorrow and mourning we can do what you are doing and look inside and realize truths about ourselves and maybe even make positive changes in our lives.
But our babies did not die so that could happen. They just died and it sucks.
I believe in a loving God and I know that he did not kill my baby. If I thought that for a second then I could not believe in Him at all. But he has helped my heart to heal and promised that I will see my daughter again some day.
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