nightmares

this is going to be bad. consider yourself warned.

i had a nightmare last night about my ex-husband.

we got married when i was 20, he was 29. i know now that he has very similar, if not the same, personality disorder my mother has. probably not a coincidence.

he also used to an@lly r@pe me. he would completely ignore me, sleep on the couch, refuse to have sex...but beg for an@l. i would reluctantly agree because i stupidly thought that if i gave him what he wanted, it would lead to a more normal sex life. i call it r@pe now, since after a few minutes it would end with me telling him to stop, crying, struggling, and bleeding...and him forcing.

we were married for 2 years, during which we lived in my mother's/grandmother's house! this all happened in the house i grew up. he was like a greasy snake, kissing my family's ass royally, and my mother and grandmother adored him.

towards the end of the first year, soulmate friend went into a hospital for psychiatric care. they never got along; she HATED him from the start. when she got out of the hospital, they started to get along. it turned out he was intensely seducing her, and would take her to a cheap motel and have sex with her. she attempted suicide after that. i didn't know the full details until after we divorced, but i suspected.

although we had sex about 6 times the first year of marriage, i got pregnant (I KNOW! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!!) and three days after the positive test, i got an abortion; there was no way in hell i would give my child a father like him. he already had a child, with his high school english teacher, who would call ME, crying, asking why his father didn't love him.

during the second year, i started to leave him. it was mental and emotional at first, and i finally kicked his ass out towards the end of it. my mother and grandmother took his side, and since i had already started to go out with friends and staying out late (i was 22 for christ sake), they basically believed every word he said, calling me a whore, and nursing his "wounds"; he was threatening suicide if i didn't go back to him. my own mother was calling me a whore and letting him come into my room while i was out and take whatever he wanted. i came home once to find my clothing on the bed and dresser gone. i had to move in with soulmate friend and her mother. while i lived with them, my mother would call me on the phone and harass me.

my youngest sister, during the two years we both lived in the house, was in high school and had some emotional problems. he started giving her bass lessons and that seemed to help a lot. after the separation, my mother continued to bring her to him for lessons. it turned out he was giving her alcohol and massages (he went into massage school after we split). he had sex with her the last time she went for a lesson. she was drunk and 16. he was 32.

about four years later, when i married my current husband, she was to be my maid of honor. she didn't make it to the wedding, because she was in a psychiatric hospital for attempted suicide three days earlier. the only reason she lived was that her friend called my mother and told her she was bleeding out and to check on her. the door had to be broken down to find her drunk and almost dead, covered in blood. she finally told me only two years ago why she couldn't stand at the wedding.

last night i had a nightmare about my ex-husband.

i was sleeping in my bed (which i was) and i felt something under the covers. i lifted it to find HIM. he told me i was going to go with him, and three or four big guys with bats came into my room. they grabbed me and took me to his house, the first floor of which was a whore house, and all the walls were glass. we got to the second floor and he told me i had to love him again (jesus- it was such a short time that i did, how was i going to get that back? BLEH BLEH BLEH). he then made me lay with him and pretend to be in love. the last thing i remember was wanting to kill myself.

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is this what's going to happen now? what the fuck? i didn't get pregnant. fine. is every goddamned fucking thing from my past going to come back and torture me just because my future isn't going to be what i hoped it would? i mean, i figured paige's death would come back full force, but EVERYTHING?

that poor would-have-been baby; it would have had a lot to cover up.