in another life, the worst thing that ever happened to me was that i had triplets. it was so weird. it was embarrassing. it was like a circus when i went out with them; i hated the attention and the stupid questions. i hated the fact that i would always be the girl with triplets...forever, the rest of my life, like, even at 65 when someone asked me how many children i had and how old they were. it was also a neon flashing sign nailed to my head, one of those ones with a big arrow where the lights follow downward to the place where the arrow points and screams, "INFERTILE!!" i also had three kids at the same time (which is all i ever wanted to have, three children), instead of spread out. i got gypped out of two more pregnancies. i got gypped out of the normal motherhood experience. i always wanted a home birth; i'd been kinda obsessed with vaginal birth since i was 9 and saw my mother's copy of 'a child is born.' i got stuck with an automatic c-section. i had to leave my babies in the nicu for three weeks. whaa-whaa-whaaaa.
in this life, the one i have now, my new-normal life, i am punched dead in the stupid face by how differently it could have gone. i had the good fortune of having my first ivf work, and also the good fucking fortune of getting through a very high-risk pregnancy with three healthy and perfect children. i feel so lucky to have received the three children i wanted, the three children i envisioned my family to have. knowing what i know now, after a dead baby, after two failed ivfs, after over five total years of active infertility, it could have gone so differently. i was a spoiled jackass brat.
people tell me i'm blessed, they say what miracles. i don't believe in god, but i finally know what they're talking about.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
- a little pregnant
- a mending heart?
- afterwards
- anarchist mom
- antigone lost
- awful but functioning
- broken heart diaries
- dead baby jokes
- diary of a domestic diva
- i won't fear love
- it's a strange world
- letters to the babies that lived
- losses and gains
- mi isla sola
- missing micah
- my new reality
- my resurfacing
- oh well
- paw prints
- postsecret
- quiet sanctuary
- SAHM of 3
- the para.graph
- this is not what i had planned
- yummy sushi pajamas
6 comments:
*hugs* oh hon, I am so proud of you, of all you have accomplished, of all you have risen above.
We have to keep reminding ourselves of how very lucky we are. We have living children. We are not as lucky as some as we well know, but we do see the big picture sometimes damnit.
you seem to be in a better place now charmed girl. never where you thougth you would be or where you wanted to be (or where you should be damn it) but it is still a good place. always thinking of you and of course, sweet little paige.
Talk about learning shit the hard way. If I could, I'd go back and slap my before self silly.
xxoo
I love this post.
You sound like you are in a really good place now, Charmed. I am happy to read this today....
Love, Reese
I am glad to read this today, too. <3
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