spirals

janis, coming up on ferdinand's birthday, wrote about time. it is making me write here. it is bringing me back to this space.

grief over time; more like a spiral than a line. don't i wish it wasn't. two years out felt more like the far side of it. coming up on three years, it feels more and more like losing ground. it feels like slipping. it feels like, more than ever, i lost a child.

it is beginning to be more about her than it was about me. it feels ridiculous to write that; wasn't it always about her? about her death? yes...and no. two steps forward and one step back i am starting to see. two years out felt like the DEEP SHIT, the WHO THE FUCK AM I?, was over. the first two years i was so busy trying to find my footing. the first two years i was just trying to learn how to live again.

now that i have, there's only one thing left.
three years feels like i lost a child.

i know who i am, i am happy, and i lost a child. i am beginning to know how the rest of my years of grief will spiral to and fro; not so much as personal crises but just as longing. longing like a spring breeze at the far end, longing like a crushing wet heavy snow at the near end.

i had a baby girl and she's not here, she's dead.

it's not about me anymore.