if i'm going to drop off the face of the www, my return post better be good, right?

this photo was taken the morning after a night of cocktails. before getting home, we decided to walk into the heart of this cemetery. it's on a major road in one of the boroughs of NYC, yet so overgrown that there was no chance of being spotted.

i wonder what i would have thought about if i knew then what i know now...instead of, "this cemetery is cool," and, "i wonder who these people were."

on the way out, we spent two hours cleaning garbage and pushing dead leaves off ground markers. we could have gone on for ten more hours and it wouldn't have made that much of a dent.

so, yeah. standing naked in an overgrown graveyard picking up garbage and dead leaves. that's what i've been up to.

(and thanks to those who emailed. really, thank you.)

ETA: i should have clarified...this photo was taken, i don't know, in 2003? it relates to my recent activities totally metaphorically. SHIT, what i would give to have that belly back after triplets...

my mother, my midwife

i've been thinking, WHY THE FUCK did i allow my midwife to neglect my care like she did?

i'm not stupid. i know some stuff about nutrition, health...even pregnancy, labor, and delivery. i observed things about my pregnancy (important things) and let her convince me i was wrong. i let her convince me i was only following the antiquated protocol of evil obstetrics. i let myself emotionally and physically fall to shit...i mean, i had prenatal care; everything was going to be fine in the end. she was checking all the important stuff, right? my only concern was not getting another c-section.

when i look back on it now, i can't believe how many ways i was neglected by my caregiver. i understand that her belief is that no intervention is best, the body knows what it's doing, everything will be fine...(like i think coggy said,) IN A PERFECTLY HEALTHY WOMAN. the signs were there. she never ever should have taken me on as a client. in trying to prove (i guess) that no matter what, you always get a baby when you let nature take it's course, she let my baby die. to quote my ob, she also put my life in danger. and you know what??? KNOWING I WASN'T A CANDIDATE WAS NOT MY JOB. IT WAS HERS.

so, was it just blindness? was it blindness to the fact that i wasn't a candidate because i wanted a homebirth so badly? i read all the studies on uterine rupture and felt my risk was minimal. i felt confident about having a vbac, even at home (i have a master's degree in public health, for the love of god; i know how to read medical literature). but the real problems were lurking underneath all of that; the real problem was that she treated everything else about my case the same exact way she would have any other run-of-the-mill perfectly healthy pregnant woman. AND IT WASN'T MY JOB TO KNOW I WASN'T.

it also scared the shit out of me to learn (after my baby was dead) that her back-up plan SUCKS. there was absolutely NOTHING in place...she has no doctor liaisons at the hospitals, and her "medical advisor" is such in name only. once i was in the ER with a dead baby in my belly, she had nothing else to offer...no referrals, no NOTHING. i fell into the lap of the ob on call, and i was fortunate enough to get a really, really caring one. if not? fuck me, i guess.

it's not like i would have expected her to continue my care. i know, with a full-term dead baby inside me, i was out of the scope of her practice. but HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, what if i was in labor at home, and had a real, time-sensitive emergency??? i know that there are risks in homebirth, especially a vbac at home. the general rule is, no farther than 15 minutes from a hospital. no problem, i'm 10. but...and this is a huge BUT...once you get there, then what? the ultrasound tech on call lived an HOUR away. the ob on call was also sleeping in his bed. if anything went wrong during labor or delivery, we BOTH would have been dead.

i asked her about her backup plan a couple of weeks after i was no longer with child. she told me that what happens is she calls hospitals in the area to assess which is better staffed and then we transfer to the chosen hospital. is it me, or does that not seem good enough? and why in FUCK didn't i know about that while i was still pregnant?

so many questions. so many questions. the first answer, to me, is I MUST BE STUPID. i must be an ignorant, naive, daisies growing out of my head IDIOT. how could i risk so much, through blind ignorance, just because i wanted something a certain way? how could i trust my midwife, not ever having had the important conversations?

my genius of a therapist said a week ago, "doesn't the midwife remind you of your mother?"

it wasn't a pitch darkness to light brightness kind of lightbulb, but a slower, dimmer-switch kind of one that is increasing in brightness day by day. i felt comfortable being left to my own devices, felt comfortable being neglected, felt comfortable trusting someone so narcissistic, because that's what i'm accustomed to in a caregiver.

this whole thing is getting bigger and bigger, like a wet stain on a california king sized bedsheet. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i have no fucking idea who i was. my baby died, and now i'm finding out i had no idea who everyone else is either. having a dead baby is becoming the easiest part of this whole mess to figure out...she was here, she died, i love her and wish so fucking bad she was here, but she's not. but the rest? HOLY SHIT. i'm just gonna keep going, day by day, until the wet circle stops growing (maybe never).

someone said (maybe kalakly) that even her name means "messenger." still not buying anything remotely resembling *this happened for a reason* but i do know that having her is changing my life. my job, at this point, is to rise up and live it.

thank you, you're right

your comments mean so much to me. i can't believe how stupid and clueless i am right now, but i actually cried the whole ride home from the RE and never once thought of finding another one. what's happening to me??

we went to a satellite office of our original clinic, and, seeing how the first ivf was so successful, i figured why try to find another? just be glad they opened an office 45 minutes away instead of 90 and be done with it. i guess not. asshole.

the thing is, i knew i was bothered the whole time during the consult. just his manner, it was like he was giving a presentation (complete with a powerpoint slideshow of statistics, etc.). it was weird.

what i do understand is his thinking on my fertility status; we're not exactly INfertile, it's more like SUBfertile. i totally get his wanting to go back to less invasive treatments before ivf. in fact, as long as husband's sperm passes, i want to try on our own with the ovulation pee sticks until june. what i DON'T want to do is the half-ass treatments (all the fucking stress and bullshit without the results)...the clomid, the inseminations.

at this point, for us, it's us on our own, or it's ivf.

i checked my provider listing, and there's actually an RE about 15 minutes away. i don't think i want to go back to the other guy. i'm sick of people, professionals, not listening. and hey, this time, i can go in and play good RE bad RE; you know this next guy will be all over being the opposite of bad RE once i tell him about the other consult. he can feel like he's *the best* and i can get what i want. within reason, of course.

(jesus christ, did i just say i can get what i want? you know what i mean.)

i feel much better now, just knowing what's what. husband's getting down to business this week, and i'm calling the new RE. he better still take my insurance...wouldn't that be just my luck.

ummm...that was horrible

3-4 months clomid.

that's what he wants us to do. followed by insemination.




are you fucking goddamn KIDDING ME?????????




i feel the swishing of wind on my face as i fall into the rabbit hole...the infertility mind-fuck. i've been down this road, and it wasn't nice. can it work? maybe, possibly. can it work soon enough that i will not become a raging lunatic? maybe, possibly.

i just feel like it would be fucking around for, i don't know, 6 months.

on top of the actual treatment plan, the doctor (and then later the nurse practitioner) said, "well, you already have children so it's not like you should feel pressured. you're pretty busy as it is." FUCK ME.

what is this, some kind of joke?

i brought up the fact that i'm not comfortable with insemination because of the chance of multiples, the uncontrollably of it. i mean, ivf, you put in one embryo, there's only a chance of identical twins, a reasonable risk. he understood the fact that i would only want a single embryo transfer, but then kept saying the real risk of multiples was with ivf, not insemination. i kept reminding him, not with a single embryo transfer. DOES HE NOT GET MY STATISTICAL TRACK RECORD?????

what's happening now is, husband gets his product tested next week. that could turn all this aggravation to smoke, considering his morphology last time was bad enough to go straight to ICSI (for non-infertiles, that's where they inject the sperm into the egg). we shall see. we shall see how much of a *miracle* p@ige was after all, huh?

if he tests normal, i will have to call the doctor back. i just don't think it's feasible to drive 45 minutes each way, 3x in ten days, for monitoring for goddamn clomid for three months. also, my sister is the only one that knows about this whole fiasco, and it would be hard enough to get her pregnant ass to watch the kids for morning monitoring for ONE month, for the ivf.

husband suggested that i could take the kids with me for morning monitoring. wouldn't that be special? bringing three three year olds to a doctor's office before they would even be awake in the morning, to sit in a waiting room full of infertile women. WOULD I EVEN SURVIVE that many evil eye curses to my first pee-on-a-stick?

if the sperm comes back fine, i will push for trying on our own with ovulation predictors for 3-4 months...after all, he did say i was fertile. (insert psych ward quality laughter.)

the way i see it, i need to just wait for further testing. buy the fucking ovulation predictors and calm down. that was my plan anyway, wasn't it? get the consult, go through the testing, lose some more weight, and do this thing in june/july. so why are my panties all in a knot? maybe it was being called fertile just because i got pregnant on our own. maybe it was being told that 8 months is the normal time period for getting pregnant for someone my age (33). maybe it was because i had to think about months and months of other treatments and the insanity of that bullshit. maybe it was because i was told it shouldn't matter because i have other kids.


MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE A BABY GIRL TURNING SIX MONTHS THIS WEEKEND. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY BABY, WHO I CARRIED FOR NINE GODDAMN MONTHS, IS DEAD. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON ALREADY AND I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN.

thank god i WAS able to make another tattoo appointment for next tuesday. i like a sure thing these days.

it's only a day away

tomorrow is my RE consult.

what's weird is, i don't feel weird. i don't feel guilty and sad and conflicted. i feel like i'm on a mission; i feel like this is what i have to do to get pregnant and i'm not going to sit around thinking about it.

tomorrow i'll find out what tests i need to have completed, and what the doc thinks about how to go forward. i can't imagine wasting time with anything other than ivf...lord knows i don't want anything to do with insemination...I WANT ONE BABY. i am insanely curious to know his thoughts on transferring only one embryo, but like i said, I WANT ONE BABY.

so...am i an asshole yet? here i am, assuming the ivf will even work. it did before, but i know damn well that doesn't mean shit. here i am, also assuming that if it DOES work, i get to choose how many, and that i will get the alive baby at the end. i will have completely and utterly different medical care, and will plan a c-sec, but...have i not learned anything???

i guess i lied. i am conflicted. i am stuck between this gung-ho vs. everything-goes-to-shite attitude. if i feel confident, i want to punish myself by thinking of every possible thing that can go wrong. if i think about what can go wrong, i wonder why i'm even bothering. i then remember WHY i'm bothering, and start all over again.

either way, tomorrow is the beginning. tomorrow, it becomes real.

sunday, sunday

last week, one of my daughters asked for my mother. it was the first time in about 6 weeks. the last time they saw her was for their birthday at the end of january, and the next time was to be easter.

i often ask them, "guess who's coming tomorrow?" and they never say grandma cu-koo.

this is not about punishing anyone, and i really honestly want to make this whole thing invisible to my kids. i don't want them to know how fucked up their grandmother is, especially because this is the only one they'll really grow up with, as husband's mother is pretty old and decrepit (besides being pretty looney-toons, much like my own; i'm actually not speaking to her either. i can't win).

so...i emailed my mother and told her to come sunday with my grandmother. those two- my mother and grandmother- are like the duo from hell. they're like an old bitter bickering married couple, and why not? they've lived with each other in co-dependency for 57 years. my grandmother complains and nit-picks shit about the kids all day (besides trying to clean my house), and my mother wallows in what she thinks is child adoration while finding a way to become offended at whatever is going on. it really fucking sucks.

the visit as a whole was not bad; my general attitude is, i hate drama and act towards her as i would anyone else. i can tell she tried to act "normal," seeing as she really is the most uptight individual on the planet earth. she made a little small talk and didn't try to confront me at all. she acted cheery and agreeable. the visit, after all, was a chance for her to "prove" to me that she's changing, and i'm sure she expects some instant gratification for her hard work...like for me to decide she's no longer "restricted" to holidays.

in my mind, the visit only solidified the fact that i can't stand to be around her. i simply don't like her personality, like, at all. there are not two people in the universe as opposite. and the fact remains, no matter how mundane, she is toxic for me. on top of that, i don't want to expose my kids to too much of her. and honestly? i didn't feel bad, i didn't feel sad; i felt like i was hosting an annoying stranger.

i swear to god, i can never remember loving her...and i can remember alot. i remember when my mother had my sister and i stayed with my father's mother for a week; i remember my sister coming home. i was 22 months old. i remember that as being the time i broke connection with her, and never really got it back. since then, she was just someone i'd had to work around to do what i wanted until i became 18 (the age of freedom)...don't forget, she functioned as a spoiled rotten, bossy older sister. i don't think i ever loved her. everything i've ever felt for her was always wrapped in confusion and forced respect...i could never put a finger on what the fuck i really felt, or what i thought her problem was. more than that, she convinced me i was a cold hearted, insensitive, non-loving person with a charmed life...when really she had a personality disorder and was just jealous of me...and i only figured that out NOW.

yeah, the visit only confirmed that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, will come of this, EVER.

except that she's bringing her new internet man on easter...and THAT should give my sisters and i plenty to amuse ourselves with for a long, long time...

here

next friday is our ivf consult.

i can't believe it. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. luckily it's just a consult, and we're not planning on anything until at least june. but really? i'm so fucking angry. and i will REALLY be angry if we have to go through with it. i mean, why can't it just happen again? i may actually be getting angry that i ever got pregnant...that i am now stupid enough to be thinking it may happen again before summertime and save me from the clinic. how stupid can a girl get?

i think i am really, solidly, no-turning-back convinced i want to try this whole thing again. i want another chance. i need another chance. mostly, i think i really do want another child, especially as these three get older and older. i can't believe i was so close to getting that iud; it was only a fluke that i wasn't able to go in and just get it in december. funny how things turn out.

funny how things turn out...isn't that just so cute? isn't it just so lackadaisical? HO hum, didn't that all just work out for the best in the end? what the fucking shit? why do we bother deciding anything at all? goddamn this all to hell, i swear.

i think i am really coasting on the dead baby stuff. is it because i'm due for a denial phase? is it because time is dulling the edges? is it because my mind is occupied with thoughts of another possible child? i don't know. i feel guilty in a way, but in another way, i know that it is only honoring my baby girl to want another; before her, i didn't want another one at all. that is a bit comforting to me, especially because there's also a great capacity right here to feel guilty for wanting to 'replace' or 'move on' or something like that. the truth is i kinda DO want to move on...MY BABY IS DEAD. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK and i have a LIFE! i love her, i love her but i never met her. because of her, i will maybe, possibly, bring another child into our family and that's pretty amazing, no? I DON'T WANT TO FEEL SHITTY ANYMORE.

that being said, i do think there is one feeling that can possibly be resolved with another baby. the fucking fact that i still feel pregnant. six months later, i still feel a bit of shock when i bend over and feel absolutely fine. i still feel like i should have to pee in the middle of the night. i feel it all, but without the huge belly. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL PREGNANT FOREVER. in my mind, i just want to do another nine months, have a baby, and be done with it for the love of GOD. as it is, i've been pregnant for 15 months and counting...and the last two trimesters didn't physically suck that bad. i am not looking forward to being pregnant again, and i'm pretty mad that i have to be pregnant for 18 months to have a baby (if i'm fucking lucky)...i feel like a goddamn elephant.

so there it is. i actually wish to be pregnant.


*************
i've decided to stay here, and not go private. i know, how flaky, right? but that pretty much sums me up since september (well if i'm honest i'll admit it goes beyond september...).