wreckless abandon

it's done.

i went for the transfer yesterday. i went myself; husband had to stay with the three other kids who need to be cared for, and so, no time for sentimentality! who are we kidding anyway? this shit is NOT romantic.

i got there and took my v@lium, got changed, and waited in the little conference room. the V started to kick in and the doc and embryologist came in to chat. we still had four embryos, 2 pretty good, 2 average. he handed me the picture of the two pretty good ones, and we started talking about the obvious: one or two.

he went immediately into how we would choose from the two pretty good ones, who at that moment were, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same. the embryologist started saying that we could wait until today to transfer one, in order to make a better choice. i felt like they would do anything possible to give me the best chance with one.

then i asked them both for their opinions. long story short, despite many "it's up to you"s, the doc felt that there were enough issues during and after the retrieval, that it may not be such a sure thing. in my head, though, i am totally jaded by getting three the first time.

so there i was, in a dumb blue puffy cap and hospital gown, on v@lium, looking at the picture of my two embryos. how the fuck was i going to pick one? looking at that picture the first ivf was ok, it didn't really mean much. but this time, those embryos were not just those blobs. actual kids came out of them the last time!

what happened next was the most normal-feeling, spontaneous, emotional thing that could happen during a totally NOT spontaneous or emotional medical procedure.

i told them to put in two. (actually, i clasped my hands together all dramatic-like, possibly while one of them was still saying something, and said, "let's do it! let's just put in two!")

it felt like that drunk moment when you're considering having sex with someone and you're just like, FUCK IT! let's do it! after that moment, i know some people get pregnant and then they have to deal with it. that's what i felt like. it was the only normal thing i got to do.

it's done. two. let's see what happens. i hope it works.
i hope i'm not a crazy, stupid, irresponsible asshole. only time will tell.

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eta: the other two made it to freeze today...and those were the two lesser quality ones...shit on a shingle...makes me nervous about twins...but at least if it's negative, i can try again...

whoaaa...

WTF? did i really just write a whole post about how i have seven children right now, being all cutesy about the 4 blobs of cells (well there were four on friday, who knows how many today) that are sitting in a lab in westchester...AND NOT INCLUDE MY DEAD BABY in the count?!?

my head almost exploded about an hour ago, thinking about this post, realizing that, although i mentioned *dead baby,* i didn't say eight. i didn't say i had eight children. as i type this out, it seems i should take it easy on myself and just not worry about it...but my brain just can't reconcile it.

how could i do that? how is it even possible?

i'm not going to go on and on about this. i don't even have the mental capacity right now to come up with the wording to all the possibilities whipping around in my head, but...wtf kind of asshole contemplates eleven different ways to tell strangers you have x+1 kids, and then forgets herself?

this is a shitty thing to slip on when you're fucking pumped to the gills with progesterone.

tao of seven

i have seven children right now.

i mean, i don't want to get into the bullshit about when life starts...abortion...stem cell research. but there are four tiny little embryos out there that could possibly get to be my kid. transfer is on monday, if they all survive until then. and it's gonna be a transfer of one. i just can't stop thinking about trying to deal with three 4 year olds and two newborns, by myself. i just don't want to do it.

the thoughts are going like this: if i transfer one and it doesn't work, that's gonna suck and i will probably wish that i transferred two. i will be really happy if there was a couple to freeze, so i don't have to go through the whole process again. if i transfer one and it does work, and there were a couple to freeze, i'm gonna hate the thought of having the frozen ones there and not know what to do with them. then again, if the baby dies before being born, or after for that matter, will i be glad to have those frozen embryos? will i be glad, at 40 or some such advanced maternal age, if i decide to do it again (NOT!! just a funny, HILARIOUS, hypothetical), will i be glad to have 34 year old embryos?

doing ivf with a dead baby...at least there's so much bullshit involved with the trying to get pregnant that it distracts from the mountain of heaviness that is just hanging over me, by a string. i wonder at what point- positive pregnancy test? third trimester? birth?- that heaviness will fall. i'm sure, if i get pregnant, it will be one chock full of testing (for the kid) and testing (for me)...lots of further distractions. but at some point, i will likely break. that's a little scary.

for now, i am here, taking yucky pills morning and night, shoving big ole horse pills up the hoo-ha, and sticking my fat arse cheek with an injection of oil every eve. not fun. gross and painful, even. but at least i'm thinking about physical discomfort rather than emotional. i'm certainly in the present, too, so am i all zen now?

whip it out wednesday

i told soulmate friend about this place. i mean, why should my neighbor read it and not my best friend in the whole world? why should across-the-street know that i'm doing another ivf and not SF? it just didn't make sense. so i showed her.

i don't think she'll read it past this morning (she actually cares about my space), but having her know of it and knowing she's read a lot of it, makes it real. so far, i've come here and write whatever the fuck wants to come out...but in real life, it's was like a distant place i couldn't connect with. having my worlds collide with the nosy neighbor was such a shock to the system, such a mind-fuck. i went private for approximately 30 seconds and then realized the real-life me and the charmedgirl me are the same person. it doesn't matter who reads it. mind you, i still will not be acknowledging across-the-street's existence, but i'm over what's happened. how am i going to let something like that force me into going private when i don't want to?

ivf is quickly drawing to a close, which means after this weekend (saturday or monday) i will just be waiting to find out the end result. waiting around to find out if i will be pissed and upset about still- STILL- not being pregnant, or freaked out because i am finally- FINALLY- pregnant.

i was told to OWN this, the ivf, the fact that i do in fact want a baby. but you know what? that's really difficult. it's still hard for me to admit that i want a baby; even typing it out gives me an uneasy feeling. why?

i know there's so much shit that will be hitting me, hard, if this thing works. i'm not looking forward to it, but for now, i will be working on owning what i'm doing and trying to be excited about the possibility.

i might actually be pregnant next week. freaky.

this sucks

i don't want to be private.

i've googled up and down to find some way to block her IP address, but the only solution is to get my own .com and then block her. WTF? come on, blogger! add a fucking button!

i've thought about going public again. i mean, fuck it if she's reading. i don't have to ever talk to her again...i can pretend she doesn't even exist. i did write her an email, basically that i know she snooped on my computer, and not only found and read this blog, but WENT HOME and continued to do so...major betrayal. i told her i couldn't continue the relationship. so, she knows the deal. and no, she didn't write back. coward.

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ivf update: everything going swimmingly. plenty of nice follicles. lining, plump. retrieval, probably wednesday. i'm really doing it. holy fucking shit.

::::

just like having a baby after infertility, the alive baby doesn't erase anything. you're not even more *grateful* or *patient* because of everything you suffered to GET the baby. in fact, you're probably really, really fucked up about it. i have to assume it's the same after a dead baby. infertility AFTER a dead baby? i already know i'm fucked. my reproductive life has really, REALLY sucked.

::::

one (1) alive baby won't heal me. an alive baby won't heal me. an alive baby won't heal me...

confirmed.

yep, my neighbor's been rummaging through my wreckage.

i remembered a few minutes ago that, a long, long time ago, i put a stat counter on this secret place i made here. you know, just to see...just out of curiosity. i haven't looked at the stats for months.

then, a few minutes ago, i remembered that i can check all the IP addresses. isn't it amazing that i remembered the ID and password right off the top of my head? HA! not so hard when it spells out the dead baby i birthed and held in my arms. kinda can't forget about that.

so...what's the first address on the list? the address with the most hits and no referring link?? HERS. one of the first fucking people i cut off after paige died, because i never really liked her to begin with; i tolerated her, that abrasive fucking bitch.

and, AND, she just so happened to send me an email SO kindly asking if i could find someone else to watch the kids for a few weeks because she was asked to [blahblahblah] on tuesdays and thursdays. at first it didn't occur to me that it was because she read my hateful last post since, well, COME ON! she really didn't search through my computer, did she?? I DON'T EVEN HAVE BLOGGER ON MY DROP-DOWN ADDRESS THINGIE!! i am kinda paranoid, because i don't even want marc to click on it. he knows about the blog (i just only told HIM about two months ago) but i really don't want him reading on a regular basis. so none of these addresses are in favorites, on any drop-down boxes, etc...i really didn't believe she did it. it makes me SICK, LITERALLY, to think of all that she's been plundering, sitting across the street from me, staring at her glaring computer monitor. MY thoughts, MY pain, MY LIFE.

but she did.

and i will never, ever, EVER speak to her again.

raped

my neighbor watches my kids while i go to the therapist every week. i can't stand her, but i deal with it because i need to go to the therapist. i started going when i became a dead baby mom, but i need to stop now. i need to give up the therapy because i can't deal with her anymore.

she was here this week and walked straight up to my calendar and started reading, right in front of me. i'd forgotten to remove the IVF instruction sheet off the top, despite carefully hiding the needle container and injectibles. i just forgot.

when i got home, i noticed she'd been on the computer...and also noticed that the twist tie i had on the chest where my drugs are was disturbed. i may be paranoid, but she's the type.

she most certainly read the ivf schedule, and so now she knows. i hate that she knows, and i seriously never want to see her EVER AGAIN. i hate it. i feel exposed, and to someone who grates my nerves as it is...

she may have even snooped my internet history and found this blog. i don't give a shit, if she's reading this, she deserves it.

oh.my.fucking.GOD.

UPDATE: JERSEY CITY, N.J. (AP) -- Police who searched dumps in three states for the remains of a baby thrown out in a Jersey City hospital's trash gave up Thursday, saying they had little chance of success.

"We have come to the harsh reality that efforts to locate the remains of Bashere Davon Moyd Jr. would be a Herculean undertaking with little probability of a successful conclusion,'' Jersey City police Chief Thomas Comey said in a statement posted on the department's Web site.

Authorities had been looking for the baby's body since Jan. 2, when it was discovered missing from the morgue at Christ Hospital. The remains apparently were thrown away with the hospital's trash sometime between Dec. 21 and Jan. 2, police said.

They searched dumps in New Jersey and Pennsylvania before focusing on a landfill in Ashland, Ky., where the waste may have been transferred. On Wednesday, Comey said he feared the waste was sent elsewhere and may have been incinerated.

Hospital officials and police have declined to say exactly how the baby ended up in the trash.

::::

so that's it...he's gone. i can't even imagine not knowing where my dead baby's body is. husband left the box of ashes in the garage for an hour after he picked it up and i FREAKED for hours thinking of her in the garage like that. i can't even imagine. no one should have to.

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eta:
Infant's Body Thrown Out with Jersey City Hospital's Trash

JERSEY CITY, N.J. (1010 WINS/AP) -- Police are searching garbage dumps in New Jersey and Pennsylvania for the body of a baby that was apparently thrown out with the trash at Jersey City's Christ Hospital.

[that would be enough, wouldn't it? just the fact that the baby was thrown in the garbage?? keep reading...]

Alice Stockton-Rossini reports. Kalynn Moore gave birth a few days before Christmas to baby Bashire Moore, but sadly he suffered from heart problems and lived just 20 minutes. Moore tells CBS 2 when the funeral home came to retrieve the infant's body the unthinkable happened.

"His body wasn't there," Moore said"I looked at them and said, 'Excuse me?' And they were like, 'We can't find your son," Moore said.

Hospital spokeswoman Barbara Davy says the baby was stillborn on Dec. 21 and the body was placed in the hospital morgue.

[wait...did you see that? apparently the reporter was told, presumably by the parents, that the baby was born alive with heart issues and passed away after 20 minutes...but the hospital spokesperson is stating the baby was stillborn. hmmm...]

The body was gone when a funeral home employee came to pick it up on Jan. 2. Moore's attorney, Michael Anise, says a nurse cleaned up the baby, dressed him in a hat and blanket and gave the baby to the mom to hold.

[dressed him in a hat and blanket and gave him to the mom to hold...doesn't it just suck you right back there? shit.]

Whether the child was born is important because Hudson County's prosecutor says a stillborn is not considered a person under New Jersey law.

[so there you have it. the hospital trying to cover its ass by saying the baby was born dead, and therefore will not be held responsible for throwing a baby in the goddamn trash. and for fuck's sake, if the baby took one single solitary breath its dead body is that of a person, and if he was born dead, his dead body is a piece of garbage. holy fucking shit. are you kidding me? but you know, i guess that's the sentiment out there. a baby born dead is nobody. literally. no wonder we sit here, year after year, in deadbabyland. where else can we be taken seriously? this is all part of a horrible, shocking story, but i dread to think that people all around me feel this way about dead babies in general. i know they do. i used to. it's something i hate to think about.]

Moore's cousin accompanied Bashire's body on the trip to the morgue and says he was clearly identified with bracelets on his ankles and other name tags on his T-shirt and blanket. Anise said the hospital isn't doing much talking and that he has asked hospital administrators to hand over surveillance tapes. Hospital officials say they are working with authorities to recover the infant's body. The search will include garbage dumps in both New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

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oh kalynn, my heart is breaking for you. is having your precious baby boy die not enough to bear?

thinking of this baby's body in a heap of garbage is making me feel like breaking. or killing someone. that hospital is not that far away from me...in fact, soulmate friend lives in that city. i want to go there and throw a total fucking fit. and can you imagine the hospital is called CHRIST HOSPITAL?!?

jesus christ. i don't think your people are living up to your name.

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sorry, eta again: i am just so infuriated...i can't help but wonder WHO the FUCK would physically pick up a baby's dead body and heave it into the garbage? even if the claim is ignorance, shouldn't anyone who works at a hospital know better than to throw a corpse into the trash?? I CAN'T EVEN LAWFULLY THROW MY IVF NEEDLES INTO THE GODDAMNED GARBAGE!! there's got to be more to this...doesn't there?? like maybe the father isn't really around and doesn't want to pay for a funeral and snuck down and put the baby into the garbage? my brain is weaving up stories...i just can't wrap my head around this. i just don't want to believe that someone did this for no fucking reason.

double digits

i've mentioned before that my grandmother often told me her mother had 14 children, one born dead...to which i would assholishly (innocently? naively?) reply, "ok, so she had 13." my grandmother always just sighed a, "well...," raised eyebrows and shoulders and let me go on my stupid way. last sunday, she and i were talking in my kitchen and she asked me how i "was," which shocked me, because no one asks me how i "am" anymore, not for a long, long while...(because i'm FINE, ALL BETTER, you dummy!). she said she suffers for me because, as the oldest of those 14 children, she saw her mother suffer for that lost baby. i remembered again how i used to dismiss it. i mean, with all those kids, really! she had five more after the one born dead, none of whom ever took its place.

::::

my cousin has ten children. she's about two years older than i am; she got pregnant at 17, married the baby's father, and hasn't given it a rest since. at my baby shower for the three, as tears welled up in her eyes, she told me she was probably having a miscarriage. she had about eight children at that point, and i wondered why she was so upset. can you imagine? i actually wondered why she would be so upset about an early miscarriage after having so many children already. she told me she was wearing her maternity clothes in hopes that a miracle would happen. she was also so, SO excited for my three babies...i thought she was just out of her mind baby-crazy. i think back to that now and just love her for having the strength and love for me to so happily attend my baby shower while she was miscarrying her own baby.

::::

no one knows i'm doing ivf again. i really don't want to talk about it; i really don't want to have small talk about the fact that i'm electing to undergo another ivf and already have triplets (isn't that enough? shouldn't you be finished?). i really REALLY don't want to think about them thinking about my dead baby and how i must be on a mission to have one that lives, you know, to take its place/heal myself...which must be it, because i already have three children (boy and girls) and if not, i must be one of those crazy numerous-baby havers.

::::

i am currently in the first phase of my ivf cycle: lupron shots. i go in on wednesday morning for a mock transfer (so they can measure the uterus in preparation for embryo transfer), and ultrasound, and bloodwork. the lupron is forcing me into a chemical menopause (SEXY) and hopefully the ultrasound shows nice quiet ovaries and thin uterine lining. if it all looks good, i start the stimulation shots on friday...and then the ball rolls (ball = lots of injections, ultrasounds, and bloodwork) until egg retrieval anytime between the 21st and 27th.

having done ivf before, i feel pretty calm about it all. if i start to think about it not working, i freak out...and if i think about it working, i freak out...but all these little tasks, i think i find comforting. it's almost like, ok, now we're really trying to have a baby. i'm doing something that may actually work, as opposed to...i don't know...FUCKING? (and charting temps and checking cervical mucous and pissing on ovulation predictors and taking supplements and taking fertility meds.)

i'm having trouble saying this part, so i'm just going to put it out there: i'm not sure how many embryos i want to transfer (ASSuming we get that far and nothing gets screwed enough to have to cancel the cycle). i've talked to the doc about transferring one, which he's fine with. i've been pretty set on transferring one. we transferred three the first time, and all three came out...so i'm pretty leery about the whole "less than 20% chance of twins, less than 2% chance of triplets" thing, not to mention those other slim statistics i came out on the wrong side of. my problem is, now that i'm investing myself in this whole process, if we transfer one and it doesn't work, i'm going to be really, REALLY upset. WTF?? if we transfer two and they both stick, i'm going to be somewhat upset, but nowhere near as upset as i'd be if it doesn't work. really, this is a problem and it's driving me somewhat mad.

if you are reading this, won't you please consider TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?
thanks.
and happy new year, if you fancy that kind of thing.
(resolution: every day is a new year.)