i finally got my period again after two months. since the complete failure of the first IUD, i've been questioning the necessity of birth control. i mean, i can't get pregnant...but i did once. since the failed IVFs, i've felt released from the obligation to try, actually more like torn free from the possibility of having another baby. i tried everything, and none of it worked. i don't have to think about me, years from now, wishing i'd tried, because i would have assumed it would have worked (considering the awesome success of our first IVF) and i would have imagined the baby i would have had. i don't have to anymore.
that said, i still had thoughts of just letting it be. just living and whatever, without totally closing the door. the baby thoughts came back, the wondering, the undercurrent of will-it-or-won't-it-ever-happen anxiety...just in the space of the past two months.
i just can't do it; i can't live my life with that door cracked a hair. i imagine sending the kids off to kindergarten, going back to school, being satisfied with things again...and getting totally derailed by another *miracle.* it makes me feel like a complete control freak, like i only want another baby on my own terms...but really, fuck that. a girl can only take so much in this goddamned life, a girl can only control so much. me? i need to be finished. i am finished. i have triplets and a dead baby and nothing and no one is going to change that. i am done.
::::
to celebrate our ninth married year and the official end of our reproductive life, my period arrived just in time to get another IUD yesterday.
as far as i know, this one went in just fine and is, until further notice (ie: until i stick a finger up the ole puss) in place for pregnancy prevention. now we only need wait for this blood to stop flowing for some totally non-reproductive hanky panky!! (if you've ever experienced infertility, you know EXACTLY what i mean...)
::::
after the IUD was in place, the doctor (who is helping with the case against the m!dwife), told me there was another woman. there was another pregnant woman, at term, who presented at the same local ER that i did. she had bleeding, and the doc on call (unfortunately not my doc) performed an emergency c-section; it was placenta previa. she was under the care of the same m!dwife i was.
i know that the m!dwife does not send her clients for ultrasound unless the mom insists. did she know about the placenta previa? would that mom and baby have died at home if she went into labor BEFORE the bleeding?
i told the doc that she will soon have her license suspended as a result of the investigation i initiated. i told him that i wasn't happy with just a suspension, but hopefully the civil case will cause her malpractice insurance to drop her, causing her to either STOP TAKING ON CLIENTS or BECOME A CRIMINAL.
"she already is," he said.
she already is.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
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11 comments:
I puffy heart your doc. And DAMN that bitch of a m/w needs to be physically restrained. How many more does it take?
. End of story . I hope the *fun* sex is rockin:)
Jeeeebus. Here's my "peace on earth" wish regarding midwives/obs: 1) that copious research is done on everything that can kill a woman and her baby so we better grasp some warning signs; 2) that both realize when they need to relinquish power to the other. That it's ok to relinquish power to the other. And that, they will, WITHOUT JUDGMENT, welcome back someone who has to dabble on the other side for a bit.
Because this is horseshit.
Let me know how that IUD works out. I'm leaning in that direction.
I can't wait until she is done.
Have some good sex. Come back with the juicy details, ok?
I hope no one ever trusts her again with theirs or their babies life.
She really should be made more of an example of.
Kudos to your Doc.
I don't think you're a control freak at all. When you've made a decision to do something the other door needs to be firmly closed sometimes. I'm a very linear person. When I make a decision that is my route I don't like leaving randomness able to creep in.
I REALLY want to go back to school, but I think we want to have one more kid (universe willing). I just can't start one without completing the other. When I throw mystlf into something I like to know that is all there will be. I know it's completely different, but I get the sentiment is what I'm trying to say.
I hope the IUD stays put this time and you have much non-babymaking sex!!
I just got chills reading your doctor's response. She should be put in jail at this point.
She already is. Abso-fucking-lutely.
And I get not wanting the door of possibility open, not even a smidge. I get wanting to be in control of this, not wanting to get our hopes up. And, though I never thought I would, I get the non-reproductive hanky-panky. I sort of abhor it right now, because in an ideal world I still want just one more and hanky-panky - reproductive or not - just brings me more sadness/suffering, but I get it.
Wow. Just. Wow.
Holy. Shit.
Speechless....
hopefully the iud will quiet the constant "Am I pregnant?" while waiting out your long cycles.
hmph midwives
Ultrasound is not considered medically necessary in a healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy. She developed bleeding, she was sent/went to the ED, appropriately. A c/s was appropriately done. If this woman had a prior c/s she was at higher risk for placenta previa and several other complications and yes, should have had ultrasounds and was not a good homebirth candidate. I guess it seems like the story isn't complete here and I don't see that the midwife is necessarily at fault. She made it to term with a placenta previa; if the ultrasound had identified it from an 18 wk ultrasound on, the mom would likely have been hooked up to monitors in the hospital, on bedrest, for weeks, and the baby pulled as soon as its lungs measured mature. At least he or she got to complete its development.
Have you looked into this OB? How's his record? Has he ever had a baby or mother die? Has he ever had a near miss and not had a bad outcome out of sheer luck? Is there a woman out there blaming him for an unnecessary induction or c/s that caused her harm? I wonder. There is no caregiver out there who has never made a mistake. I guarantee it. However, an obstetrician will not lose his or her license; his malpractice premium might go up but s/he won't get dropped. And even if there is a bad outcome DIRECTLY DUE to his or her care, the parents will often be saying, At least they did all they could. Because they got the routine ultrasound and the nonstress test and the biophysical profile and the induction at term and the continuous electronic fetal monitoring in labor.
Sigh.
anonymous, do you know that this midwife is at direct fault for my baby dying? generally speaking i agree with what you said, but i'm talking about a "caregiver" who has a history of incompetence.
aside from that, i DO believe that a previa (and other easily screened-for shit) should be known before attempting a homebirth. in this day and age, there's no reason on the fucking planet a baby and/or mom have to die at home.
and you know what else? do you have a dead baby? cause if not, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
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