i told soulmate friend about this place. i mean, why should my neighbor read it and not my best friend in the whole world? why should across-the-street know that i'm doing another ivf and not SF? it just didn't make sense. so i showed her.
i don't think she'll read it past this morning (she actually cares about my space), but having her know of it and knowing she's read a lot of it, makes it real. so far, i've come here and write whatever the fuck wants to come out...but in real life, it's was like a distant place i couldn't connect with. having my worlds collide with the nosy neighbor was such a shock to the system, such a mind-fuck. i went private for approximately 30 seconds and then realized the real-life me and the charmedgirl me are the same person. it doesn't matter who reads it. mind you, i still will not be acknowledging across-the-street's existence, but i'm over what's happened. how am i going to let something like that force me into going private when i don't want to?
ivf is quickly drawing to a close, which means after this weekend (saturday or monday) i will just be waiting to find out the end result. waiting around to find out if i will be pissed and upset about still- STILL- not being pregnant, or freaked out because i am finally- FINALLY- pregnant.
i was told to OWN this, the ivf, the fact that i do in fact want a baby. but you know what? that's really difficult. it's still hard for me to admit that i want a baby; even typing it out gives me an uneasy feeling. why?
i know there's so much shit that will be hitting me, hard, if this thing works. i'm not looking forward to it, but for now, i will be working on owning what i'm doing and trying to be excited about the possibility.
i might actually be pregnant next week. freaky.
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7 comments:
Own it girl! Or try to. You deserve this! Hugs. Fx!
Crossing my fingers for you!! I hope next week brings you good news.
Good luck, good luck, good luck, good luck!
Why? Cuz it hurts if you want it . . . and you don't. Better to say, meh, whatever happens happens, and be with the result. But hey, that's me talkin'.
I think you made a good choice re: public/private -- if your traffic spikes you can always check out the ISP's to see if neighbor is spreading the word and reassess your decision then.
Waiting with you.
I am glad you are back. I have my fingers crossed for you.
It is good to see you are owning it. Good luck with all the rest of the IVF shit. Got 'em crossed for you.
That last line of yours? Me too. And Chance too. We'll grit our teeth and hold our breaths together.
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