purge

if we had a girl, her name would have been holly. a boy would have been marcus. when i see or hear the name holly, i cringe just as i do when i hear paige. not the same with marcus.

i almost bought a sling off c's website in november. i was sure the ivf would work and i wouldn't be sitting here wondering what to do with a $70 sling i could use because i would never get pregnant again. i felt it would have been a spit in the face of the universe, it would have been a spit in the wind.

i never really saw myself being pregnant again.

i still say the names of all my children along with the babies-that-would-never-be, just to see how they all sound together.

i tell myself that if i got pregnant again, the baby would have had downs syndrome or some other serious handicap or illness.

i'm on a pretty strict medical diet and i pretend i'm pregnant. i really wanted to prove, with another pregnancy, that i could eat perfectly and get the baby out alive. i didn't get pregnant, but i can at least be a success at losing weight.

after the first ivf failed i adopted a cat. he's 9 years old, has no teeth, had a big gash under his arm that required surgery, and has two nails missing. no one wanted him. i thought that i could hold him and snuggle him like a baby if the last ivf failed.

i had a dream about paige last night; i haven't dreamt of her since before i started trying to get pregnant again, probably january 2008. the floodgates are opening...