janis, coming up on ferdinand's birthday, wrote about time. it is making me write here. it is bringing me back to this space.
grief over time; more like a spiral than a line. don't i wish it wasn't. two years out felt more like the far side of it. coming up on three years, it feels more and more like losing ground. it feels like slipping. it feels like, more than ever, i lost a child.
it is beginning to be more about her than it was about me. it feels ridiculous to write that; wasn't it always about her? about her death? yes...and no. two steps forward and one step back i am starting to see. two years out felt like the DEEP SHIT, the WHO THE FUCK AM I?, was over. the first two years i was so busy trying to find my footing. the first two years i was just trying to learn how to live again.
now that i have, there's only one thing left.
three years feels like i lost a child.
i know who i am, i am happy, and i lost a child. i am beginning to know how the rest of my years of grief will spiral to and fro; not so much as personal crises but just as longing. longing like a spring breeze at the far end, longing like a crushing wet heavy snow at the near end.
i had a baby girl and she's not here, she's dead.
it's not about me anymore.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
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- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
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5 comments:
the paragraph about the spiral of longing is so true and beautifully written. ((hugs))
I waver between the him/me issue too. I felt it was his choice, I have no control over him. Yet, once, we WERE one, to totally sever is so hard.
Thinking of you.
You always write so beautifully about her, yourself, and the space between you.
I was thinking of you the other day, and also of her....
weirdly, i really get this. i mean, i am not there yet, but i am aware of the fact that, 19 months out, it is a lot about me and what this has done to me, and my place in the world. and it is also about her, but - i know - not as much as it could be. and i feel kinda guilty about that. but this was so good to read, to know that this does shift, subtly, over time. xo
I don't ever want to go down that rabbit hole again...I feel like we've come out; escaped somehow, yet not unscathed. 5 years....this mother's day will be 5 years for me-the exact day anniversary this year, fun.
true, true, true.
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