ghost baby

the four month kick-in-the-ass has settled in.

the other night, a very good friend asked me if this was the beginning of ghost baby. at first, i was upset at that term, because, i don't know...there's something DEAD has that GHOST simply doesn't; the wow factor? but this isn't american idol for fucks sake.

i'm starting to think she was on to something, though. that physical pain, those earthy, crude, base emotions...it was a physical torment that i had at least a little success dealing with mentally. i thought i made decisions, like i didn't want another baby, like i wanted to lose weight and get back to my old self. i was angry and sad and ruined and heavy, and mentally had a path on which to put one foot in front of the other. dead baby had an energy to it.

but now...now, i feel fucked, yet not as heavily so. mentally there is no beginning or end. it is like a haunting; like a ghost. there's no energy in this at all. i just simply don't care. i am like a big, old, haunted house that just stands there for generations...you can see it can be beautiful, but no one renovates it, nor tears it down. it's just THERE.

there are still tears with ghost baby, but those are different too. they are full of confusion, full of nothingness. i have tears for my current emptiness. my dead baby is now a ghost.