alone

i couldn't fall asleep last night. i kept feeling the ghost belly; kept remembering feeling her and the hugeness of it and sweatiness. i kept thinking about how i couldn't wait for it to be over, and just wishing i could appreciate her inside, alive. i thought about how she probably died overnight. was it because i kept waking up on my back?

all i could do was lie there and, "breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."

"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."
"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."
"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."
"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."
"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."
"breathing in, i miss my baby. breathing out, i grieve her now."

and then i fell asleep.

i had a dream where i was naked in a public shower. i was standing in the space between the rows of showers, in front of a long mirror. there was warm water. p@ige was on the floor, just born. she was not really alive, not really dead. i scooped her up; she was so heavy in the dream (like she really was). i sat for a minute shaking her, thinking she might live, but she started to get the same pattern of purpleness she had, and i knew the outcome would be the same. i sat there in front of the mirror with her, looking at her in my arms, not sad, but just looking; like i wished i would have done. i put her up on my shoulder and ran my hand across her back and her whole body. someone came by and said, "ooh, let me see her!" and i shouted, "NO!" and quitely went back to my baby.

sometimes people ask me what's the matter.
sometimes i say, after the initial confusion in my brain, "um, my baby died. remember?"