we've talked alot about how having a dead baby will leave a scar. it will maybe heal over time, a little, but will always be there. it's changed us forever and ever.
we didn't bury p@ige, and so, didn't get to pick out a gravestone for her. i didn't get to buy her that fancy present, something to represent her where she rests. she actually is parked inside a plastic bag inside a cardboard box inside the ugliest gray plastic shopping bag on top of my night table.
so...this is what i've done to myself. this is how i carry her around with me, how i remember her. this is how i've changed. i've always wanted to get something like this, but was afraid. i hate saying it like that, but come on. getting something this big on your arm is...for a girl...well, it's big. in thinking about it, i realized that i AM different, anyway, no matter what. why not be able to tell someone, "it's for my daughter who died," when they ask (sometimes with that upturned face)? so this is the scar i chose to wear on the outside, for all to see. it's much better-looking than the real one.
i thought about p@ige alot during the tattoo...with that buzzing, vibrating pain like a chant. it was like pain therapy; i thought about her and felt emotional and physical pain. i wanted to burn her into it, into the process and the image, even though i still can't believe i have a fucking tattoo instead of the baby i carried for nine months. praytell, what the fuck?
i am now into the planning process for not my next, but the tattoo after that. yes, it really IS addicting. this spring...i will do the other arm. i will officially be "one of those people". i laugh to myself sometimes about how surprised people will be when i finally unveil these secrets come warm weather...i imagine them whispering, "that's that girl with triplets whose baby died. she really must have snapped!" well, fuck them. fuck them and their normal reproductive lives.
in case anyone is wondering, the art is inspired by a piece by william morris, a late 1800s textile designer. the pear in the center was added to represent my children, P-aige, E-lle, A-eva, and R-eece. the M is for our last name.
it will never be enough, but there it is nonetheless.
21 comments:
Very William Morris-y. Wow! How long did it take? And did you plan out the whole PEAR acronym thing? That couldn't have worked out any better (love your children's names, by the way).
It's beautiful, really. The tattoo. The sentiment. I've considered a (smallish) tattoo myself...but not sure if I'll be able to pull it off. Can't wait to see what you put on the other arm ;o)
It's stunning, charmedgirl. It really is.
I love it. This is something I've wanted to do too but haven't been able to come up with the appropriately meaningful design.
What I love about your beautiful scar is that the leaves and vines of the plant look tangled and mysterious and a little chaotic...but out of it is the fruit and the flowers. And I like how the part at the top looks like a flower just about to bloom, which reminds me of P@ige and all our little babies who never were able to "bloom."
Beautiful. I love it.
That is beautiful, an awesome tattoo and a tremendous way to show your love and pain. I love it and cannot wait to see what's next!
I love it too, it's absolutely breathtaking. I think this was a unique and beautiful way to wear your pain....and your strength.
FWIW, I admire "those" people who aren't afraid to be different. Diversity is what makes this world so very interesting.
It's amazing. I love that its big and out there and so VISIBLE.
Tattooing is SO addictive. The pain thing I have always liked, piercing and tattooing.
I love your tattoo. It is stunning. I wish I was a brave enough to get one so visible.
I love the design as well, and the fact that it represents not only P@ige but all your children and your family.
Beautiful x x x
Love, love, love it! I thought about getting one too. I have one on my bikini line, pre-all my babies, which now due to, ah, aging and ah certain anatomical shall we say "changes" it looks slightly, okay, alot, different than it did when it was brand spanking new.
Can't decide what I would do for a new one either the design or the image...maybe we should all put our heads together, design a "dead-baby mom" logo and all go get it done on the same day????
Our very own Scarlet Letter.
Your kids have an amazing brave, role model...and a really cool mom:)all wrapped up in one.
I love it. I also get the pain thing, but I just don't think I could do it. My husband however, is another story, and I'm sending him over here to read this. I also like how you've become "one of those people." Hell, whether we like it or not, we've all become Those people. The outside people. The outliers. The freaks. Tattoo, or no. Time to embrace it!
Your tat is gorgeous. It really is.
And I like the way you describe it as a scar...some of the inside feelings, now displayed on the outside.
Sometimes tattoos just look cheese, if you know what I mean. But yours, is a real work of art. Your dude might just have another customer in me. I sure hope he used your design in his portfolio.
I love your "scar." My husband and I have discussed getting a tattoo in memory of our baby. He's a tattoo virgin but not me...and you're right, it's totally addicting.
It is a beautiful tattoo. It is a lovely tribute to P@ige and your other children.
It's lovely, really beautiful. A wonderful tribute to your daughter.
Yes, I see the Morris influence - beautiful :) It's very very beautiful.
Gorgeous. And I'm glad you mentioned that it was inspired by Morris, because otherwise, I was going to ask where the design came from.
Charmedgirl! YOU GO! Nice tat.
This is probably really cheesy, but I was just driving and heard the song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks...one of the main chorus lines made me think of you and your beautiful tribute to P@ige....
"You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo
I'll always have you"
I love your tattoo! I have an idea for one for me, but I can't decide on some elements for it. Mr. g does have one with M's name, and birthdate.
Wow!! I love it!! It's beautiful
Absolutely awesome tatt - I'm addicted and am also planning another.....
It's just beautiful!
that is awesome
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