On 8/25/07 (two weeks before she died) 4:14 PM, "futurecharmedgirl" wrote:
hi tripletsplusonemom- i'm a new reader of your blog; i've really been enjoying it. i have 2.5 y/o triplets (2 girls and a boy) and i'm about to have another baby girl any day now. i've struggled with guilt since i found out i was pregnant (a HUGE surprise after years of IF)........i had so much guilt around the circumstances of the trips birth--- c-sect, nicu, pumping instead of breastfeeding, trying to care for three at once--- basically that they were robbed of the newborn experience a singleton would have had. i've been trying to convince myself that what they are gaining in the relationship with their siblings is the gift i gave them, but i can't shake it.
how the hell do you handle it? your beautiful post about having one after three....it was great. does the guilt go away; is it healing to have one after three? i want to enjoy this as much as possible but i don't see how i'll be able to without feeling horrible for my 3 little babies i couldn't give it all to.
thanks so much-- futurecharmedgirl
"triplets plus one mom" wrote:
Hi FutureCharmedgirl - This is such a great question – once I get some more time – I’ll be writing about it. There is definitely guilt, but I didn’t know that was what the nagging feeling I had until very recently. I felt so remorseful that I couldn’t have had three separate pregnancies, three separate newborn experiences, three separate toddler experiences. I wasn’t feeling remorse just for our children – but for me, too. I feel like we were all robbed of the “bonding” experience that comes with a singleton. But then again – I wouldn’t trade my experience as a mother to triplets for the world. Our children have an amazing bond and they are so much more socially advanced than other singleton children their age. Plus, they will grow up always having one another. How awesome is that??I will say that having [plusone] has been an incredibly healing experience. I feel like THIS is the motherhood experience I have wanted for as long as I’ve wanted children. (And then, again, there is guilt for feeling that way – as if our triplets don’t count??) Like I mentioned in my post the other day, I love being able to scoop him up and run out to the store with one baby, I love carrying him everywhere I go, nursing him on demand – and sitting and rocking him – for hours, without having to feel like I am depriving two other babies.
The thing is – baby P@ige will be an amazing gift to both you AND your triplets. I’m not sure how it is that we were finally able to get pregnant after almost 10 years of NOT being successful ... But I do think that without our triplets, we never would have had [plusone] – and vice versa. They were ALL meant to be and we are beyond lucky to have them. And, they are all lucky to have one another. So, that’s how I do it - just believing that everything, as it is, is meant to be. Like I said, I’m a miracle believing kind of person!! Enjoy baby P@ige – you are in for an absolutely wonderful experience!!!
Congrats!! Tripletsplusonemom
don't get me wrong...i am, in no way, focusing on the "meant to be" or "miracles" shit in the response. i almost had to laugh at that, actually.
i thought about this exchange this morning; i totally forgot about it until now. i was thinking about the reasons i would want another baby and i remembered this...and i also remembered that i was so, so stupidly tangled up in the guilt mess that i had no appreciation for what i actually HAD at the time.
it's not easy to explain (to yourself) why you need another child when you already have three. but it feels like one. after you lost your fourth. but it feels like your second.
i just want to get what i should have right now. i don't want to be cheated even more than i was the first time. and second time. there's just so many times now.
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9 comments:
I hope you get it, charmedgirl. I hope you are not cheated out of this again. And the infertility thing? I hope it fucks off for a bit so you can get what you are due...when you are ready for it.
Nothing like a dead baby to give you some perspective, eh? XO.
I just wanted to tell you that I've been reading through your old posts and you are an amazing writer. Man, I wish I'd found you 3 years ago. We would have been great friends.
I swear to god (even though I don't believe in god which is how I found you anyway) that it does get better.
You put this guilt into words very well. Here I had guilt going in the other direction: I did so much for Bella, breast feeding her exclusively for a year, staying at home for 2.5 yrs., making her food -- I knew child #2 was going to get totally robbed. No way I could go through the sleep dep again, new kid would have to settle for bottle with (gulp) formula if need be. I needed to find something outside the house to do. Kid #2 was going to get hosed. Boy did she.
Well, you know what kind of a guilt machine I am! I have so much guilt about so many things. It's just insane.
I hope you get your chance, charmedgirl, I really do. And I know IF sucks...but I know that you can endure whatever you have to, to get there.
And C is so right, nothing like a dead baby to give you perspective. How very true.
I hope you get there again.
I hate the guilt. I tried to bury it but it's finding it's way out. I always said # three would be the bonus, the icing on the cake. I even dared tell someone once that having two seemed lonely b/c what would happen if...god help me, one of them died?? Then one would be all alone, so three would be "insurance" for the other two. Yeah, that theory really panned out. My other two are so much happier now that I have had the third. What a fucking idiot I am. Shame on me.
It sometimes feels like life is having some massive joke at our expense. Particularly re-reading old emails or letters before misery.
I for one certainly have all my fingers crossed that you don't get cheated AGAIN, in the deadbaby or IF stakes. Enough now with the reproductive chronicles, lets settle for plain boring got knocked up had baby thing. Wouldn't that be so nice?
This broke my heart, reading this. I guess because of the innocence, that beautiful and wonderful thing people like us never get to have again.
You want another child because you want another child. There is no limit on how many is enough. It's all very individual and doesn't have to be logical at all. I hope you get your wish again, and soon.
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