my grandmother turned 83 on sunday.
she is the oldest of 14 children, all born at home on a farm in puerto rico.
sometimes, over the course of my life, she would tell me about how many children her mother had, their birth order, and their names. sometimes it would be in response to a question about who's older than who, or something like that.
i would ask, "your mother had 13 children, right?"
and she would go down the list, keeping track on fingers which would run out before she was done. sometimes she'd have to start over. sometimes more than once.
once my dumb-ass stepfather asked my great-grandmother why she had so many children, and she said, "we didn't have television back then; there was nothing else to do."
so, my grandmother would recount all her siblings; she was present for many of their births. she would always start out by saying, "well, she had 14 children but one born dead," to which i always responded, "ok, so she had 13."
and my grandmother would look at me sadly and say, "well..."
and nothing more.
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16 comments:
Yup.
I totally get this.
I wish I was that stupid too. Is it strange to say, that I always wanted a huge family? Like 14 kids would be cool...though not in reality, of course.
I'm glad she only lost one. I think she did pretty well for 70+ years ago. I know losing any is a big deal, but it seems amazing to me to have 13 live kids. Not trying to minimize the pain she felt. Just that it seems so amazing to have a big family, like that.
Ignorance is bliss...ahhh the good ole days.
I know I said things like that before. I cringe to think of the people I might have hurt with my ignorance.
I agree with Meg though, wow for that time only one loss was pretty amazing. And the fact that she remembered and counted, after a time where they were encouraged to forget the lost baby.
I think its impossible understand until you've been here. Most people look at me like I have two heads when I say I have three children- but if I say I have two I feel like I'm letting Owen down.
I wish you were, too.
I too, wish we had that sweet ignorance of the real world.
My beloved grandmother was one of 14 - she died in 1998 and never got to meet A or our lost babies, and I wish I'd asked her how many babies her mother had lost. I'm afraid of what she may have answered.....
x
How much do we all wish we didn't get that now.
Seeing stuff like that just makes me realize how clueless I was prior to the shit hitting the fan.
Maybe that also explains why no one else gets it IRL.
I am certain I have said ignorant things like this in the past. Regarding losses and definitely regarding special needs children. Now that both have touched my life I am so very careful what I say. I also find that I am highly sensitive to the ignorance of others...somehow it just seems like everyone should know better, even though in reality I never knew better before.
I know. Fuck, we were all so stupid, weren't we. Remember back when we were 18 and trying NOT to get pregnant? (hahahahaha!) and thinking if we even THOUGHT about sex we would get pregnant? And everyone just got bigger for 9 months and then you went through some pain and had a baby? yeah. Those were the days.
Off to play some Duran Duran and cry.
Hmmm. The difference between who you were and who you are is glaring. I think this is the case for all of us. I couldn't even relate before, but, now, I just wish I didn't have to. Stupid is underrated.
Your grandmother must also wish you didn't learn about this in such a horribly personal way.
She must be a remarkable woman. Is she still in touch with all her living siblings?
I'm still stupid. Just in a slightly differently way than I used to be.
I bet I would have said the same thing. Your poor Grandma. Stillbirth never seemed like that big of a deal to me, really. I had no idea, none at all, how shattering it is, and I just hope I've never uttered some of the gems I've heard like: You can always have more......something must have been wrong with her.......etc... I wish I could go back and apologize to anyone I may have said something like that to. I just think you can't even imagine the loss until you've been there. I sure couldn't. It's staggering, really.
Now that I've lost one, I've completely changed my opinion on the number of children I want. It was always two, and I came so close. But now I can't say, even if I have another, that I will only have one more. Seriously, I want 100 babies, and that desire overwhelmed me within two weeks of losing my son.
So maybe that's why she had 13. Once you lose one you realize how worth it they are.
Oh, and I am also certain I was clueless in the past. My Dad got remarried five years ago to a woman with 'two' children. I sort of remember finding out that her youngest daughter was a twin and her brother died in the NICU 6 weeks after he was born, their older brother was my DD's age when it happened. I don't know if I said anything stupid when she tole me this, but I don't think I treated it with the gravity that I should've. We're not very close, but since I lost my son I have this overwhelming desire to grab her and hug her and tell her I'm so sorry about her little Joshua, that I didn't understand. I'm still planning it, just haven't had the right opportunity if you know what I mean.
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