i've been seeing recall info on some bassinet all over the place, and made me think of all the things that get recalled. the first thing i think about is whether i own the thing being recalled.
but recalls really mean something else: dead babies. as i sit there and read the blurb underneath the newscaster, some other family is in hell with a dead baby. when they see the recall it means THEM. every time they see a recall it will be a needle in their heart. i wonder if they will ever place another kid in a toy/crib/contraption ever again.
i wonder if i will ever get pregnant. i wonder how i'm going to live this way...i just am, i guess.
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, August 29, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
if i'm going to drop off the face of the www, my return post better be good, right?
this photo was taken the morning after a night of cocktails. before getting home, we decided to walk into the heart of this cemetery. it's on a major road in one of the boroughs of NYC, yet so overgrown that there was no chance of being spotted.
i wonder what i would have thought about if i knew then what i know now...instead of, "this cemetery is cool," and, "i wonder who these people were."
on the way out, we spent two hours cleaning garbage and pushing dead leaves off ground markers. we could have gone on for ten more hours and it wouldn't have made that much of a dent.
so, yeah. standing naked in an overgrown graveyard picking up garbage and dead leaves. that's what i've been up to.
(and thanks to those who emailed. really, thank you.)
ETA: i should have clarified...this photo was taken, i don't know, in 2003? it relates to my recent activities totally metaphorically. SHIT, what i would give to have that belly back after triplets...
Monday, February 25, 2008
the list
the mission, as i've chosen to accept it: write a list of people i could bag with marital impunity, given the unbelievable and impossible opportunity to do so.
ok kalakly, here goes:
1. i must also pick brad pitt, but not with the blonde. i first started digging him in 'seven' with the short dark hair; that's also when i started realizing he's pretty talented, which is hot. and come on...FIGHT CLUB (not for the body...for the raunch)??? jesus christ! he is starting to weird me out lately, but whatever.
2. clive owen. so fucking hot in 'closer'. and i have a thing for the british accent, but not the wussy kind like jude law.
3. gordon ramsay. what a hard-ass. plus the accent again.
4. michael hall from 'six feet under' and 'dexter'. i especially love him on dexter...so much so, i will even watch it on cbs with commercials and editing.
5. nicole kidman, natalie portman, and christina ricci. not necessarily together.
i tag meg, tash, and niobe.....HA!
ok kalakly, here goes:
1. i must also pick brad pitt, but not with the blonde. i first started digging him in 'seven' with the short dark hair; that's also when i started realizing he's pretty talented, which is hot. and come on...FIGHT CLUB (not for the body...for the raunch)??? jesus christ! he is starting to weird me out lately, but whatever.
2. clive owen. so fucking hot in 'closer'. and i have a thing for the british accent, but not the wussy kind like jude law.
3. gordon ramsay. what a hard-ass. plus the accent again.
4. michael hall from 'six feet under' and 'dexter'. i especially love him on dexter...so much so, i will even watch it on cbs with commercials and editing.
5. nicole kidman, natalie portman, and christina ricci. not necessarily together.
i tag meg, tash, and niobe.....HA!
Monday, February 18, 2008
no, seriously
soulmate friend: "i have to call you back in a minute; i have to make the appointment for the tubal."
charmedgirl: "ok. call me back."
phone rings a couple of minutes later.
cg: "did you make the appointment?"
sf: "i forgot when i had the baby!"
ch: "HAHA! that's funny...when's the appointment?"
sf: "no, really, when did i have the baby? WHAT'S THE BABY'S BIRTHDAY??"
cg: "december 10th, dude."
sf: "ok. let me call you back."
charmedgirl: "ok. call me back."
phone rings a couple of minutes later.
cg: "did you make the appointment?"
sf: "i forgot when i had the baby!"
ch: "HAHA! that's funny...when's the appointment?"
sf: "no, really, when did i have the baby? WHAT'S THE BABY'S BIRTHDAY??"
cg: "december 10th, dude."
sf: "ok. let me call you back."
Friday, February 15, 2008
i wish i was still stupid
my grandmother turned 83 on sunday.
she is the oldest of 14 children, all born at home on a farm in puerto rico.
sometimes, over the course of my life, she would tell me about how many children her mother had, their birth order, and their names. sometimes it would be in response to a question about who's older than who, or something like that.
i would ask, "your mother had 13 children, right?"
and she would go down the list, keeping track on fingers which would run out before she was done. sometimes she'd have to start over. sometimes more than once.
once my dumb-ass stepfather asked my great-grandmother why she had so many children, and she said, "we didn't have television back then; there was nothing else to do."
so, my grandmother would recount all her siblings; she was present for many of their births. she would always start out by saying, "well, she had 14 children but one born dead," to which i always responded, "ok, so she had 13."
and my grandmother would look at me sadly and say, "well..."
and nothing more.
she is the oldest of 14 children, all born at home on a farm in puerto rico.
sometimes, over the course of my life, she would tell me about how many children her mother had, their birth order, and their names. sometimes it would be in response to a question about who's older than who, or something like that.
i would ask, "your mother had 13 children, right?"
and she would go down the list, keeping track on fingers which would run out before she was done. sometimes she'd have to start over. sometimes more than once.
once my dumb-ass stepfather asked my great-grandmother why she had so many children, and she said, "we didn't have television back then; there was nothing else to do."
so, my grandmother would recount all her siblings; she was present for many of their births. she would always start out by saying, "well, she had 14 children but one born dead," to which i always responded, "ok, so she had 13."
and my grandmother would look at me sadly and say, "well..."
and nothing more.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
ooooooooo...CANDY...and LOVE!
thank you meg, for the candy and the notes and the general love...too bad none of the hearts come in black, no?
i have to pick ONE person...one person...one person...GOD it's almost impossible!
i really feel like we all make up one cumulative personality; picking one is picking us all. without niobe's denial, c's heartwrenching prose, coggy's raw realism, tash's intelligent indignation, julia's sensitivity, whatthefuck's sharp honesty, heather's optimism, lori's giving spirit.....where would we all be? (i know, there are so many i didn't even mention...)
i have to pick one, and it's missing_one. she's the first i read (back in september), and always made me feel like this was all going to be ok one day.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
hope?
i've always had a problem with illusive concepts that lull a person into a dangerous kind of passivity. ideas that keep one from confronting issues and feelings that can destroy their lives and relationships.
for example, i've always had a problem with the concept of trust. if you ask someone what makes a good relationship, they will no-doubtedly pull the trust card (usually not knowing what the fuck they even mean by it, like "good communication"). i've always said bullshit to trust. isn't trust just a lazy way of saying, "i don't really want to put the energy into this whole thing, so just make sure you always do what i would want you to do, ok? i'm also pretty damn selfish, so don't go trying to sneak anything in just for yourself. got it, big boy (or little girl)? if something feels uncomfortable to me, i trust you will put my wants and needs before your own."
i've found people who don't (or can't) trust themselves to have the hardest time with the whole trust thing. isn't easier to just put all the responsibility for your own happiness onto someone else? isn't it better to have someone else to blame? don't get me wrong, i also feel that mistrust is just as dangerous. how many missed opportunities for growth have been passed by because of a blind mistrust?
basically i think it comes down to a lack of constant evaluation and revision in our lives. with new information and knowledge comes the responsibility to (re)evaluate your situation, and revise your beliefs and practices and alliances accordingly. trust or mistrust in (whatever) is the lazy person's downfall.
since my baby died, i've found i have a similar problem with the concept of hope. what is this hope, but a way to live in the future? a way to try to blind one's self to the present moment, one's present anguish and pain? i will admit, it's quite tempting...but something i just can't accept. the same way living in the past with its what ifs and what could have beens can bury you alive, so will living in the future.
hope can do nothing for me in this moment except distract me from my work, from my grief, from real growth. hope is a wolf in sheep's clothing; worse, in fact. hope is a siren's song.
for this moment, i feel just about as fucked up as ever. i am ruined. that is my truth, and facing it without the bullshit of hope is the only thing that can help. without the truth of this moment, while breathing in and out, we die.
for example, i've always had a problem with the concept of trust. if you ask someone what makes a good relationship, they will no-doubtedly pull the trust card (usually not knowing what the fuck they even mean by it, like "good communication"). i've always said bullshit to trust. isn't trust just a lazy way of saying, "i don't really want to put the energy into this whole thing, so just make sure you always do what i would want you to do, ok? i'm also pretty damn selfish, so don't go trying to sneak anything in just for yourself. got it, big boy (or little girl)? if something feels uncomfortable to me, i trust you will put my wants and needs before your own."
i've found people who don't (or can't) trust themselves to have the hardest time with the whole trust thing. isn't easier to just put all the responsibility for your own happiness onto someone else? isn't it better to have someone else to blame? don't get me wrong, i also feel that mistrust is just as dangerous. how many missed opportunities for growth have been passed by because of a blind mistrust?
basically i think it comes down to a lack of constant evaluation and revision in our lives. with new information and knowledge comes the responsibility to (re)evaluate your situation, and revise your beliefs and practices and alliances accordingly. trust or mistrust in (whatever) is the lazy person's downfall.
since my baby died, i've found i have a similar problem with the concept of hope. what is this hope, but a way to live in the future? a way to try to blind one's self to the present moment, one's present anguish and pain? i will admit, it's quite tempting...but something i just can't accept. the same way living in the past with its what ifs and what could have beens can bury you alive, so will living in the future.
hope can do nothing for me in this moment except distract me from my work, from my grief, from real growth. hope is a wolf in sheep's clothing; worse, in fact. hope is a siren's song.
for this moment, i feel just about as fucked up as ever. i am ruined. that is my truth, and facing it without the bullshit of hope is the only thing that can help. without the truth of this moment, while breathing in and out, we die.
Friday, January 18, 2008
1-7
domestic diva tagged me days ago...don't expect anything as cool as meg's list, but here we go:
1. i love chocolate ice cream with potato chips. it reminds me of a frosty with french fries. i also love vanilla ice cream with crushed red pepper. "hello, my name is charmedgirl. i am a compulsive overeater. i think i killed my baby because of it." god that one turned out alot more morbid than i intended...
2. i'm obsessed with ebay. somehow, when i win something...those last few moments, palms all clammy...i can forget everything else. then my cheap ass has to log onto paypal, and i feel shittier than before. BUT...when that package with my vintage antique huge ornate jewelry comes in the mail...sometimes it's all worth it. sometimes it's a little anti-climactic, but whatever. when i open that find, that piece, and it was only $9.45 or something like that, it's fabulous.
3. i love trying illicit drugs. i drank for the first time at a pretty normal age (16), but i didn't try the mary-jane until about 21. the mj, for me, not so fun. it's funny for a bit, then i eat like a stuffed hog before going into a coma. c0ke, not so fun. feels like a bad diet pill. ec$tacy, yeah. now that's what i'm talking about. they even use it for therapy, so hard-asses like me can open up despite crushing fear of vulnerability. i was about to try mushr00ms but, you know, i got pregnant unexpectedly. at this point, i'm terrified to try anything new. the last thing i need is to hallucinate about dead babies.
4. ok so far my list is all about vices...shit, why not throw one in about $ex? i love vibrat0rs. i've bought one for every woman close to me (like sisters); i even bought one for my mother-in-law one mother's day (i think she was hinting for it, so i'm not THAT much of a freak). back when i worked in a cubicle, i would sometimes have outings with co-workers to the local adult shop where i would show them what stuff to buy (their husbands probably thought they were cheating). nowadays, i've tried to use the mood-rising effects of 0rgasm to my benefit since p@ige died...at one point i tried to do it every day, and i think it may have been working...but it's not always easy to keep up something like that.
5. i've never been dumped. i've broken up with boyfriends without wanting to, as soon as i felt it coming. fuck that.
6. i have a thing about being shorter than those i'm out with. i wear alot of heels, since soulmate friend and my sisters are 5'8-5'10. i'm 5'5 and i hate looking UP. husband is barely 5'7 and i love it.
7. i don't believe in right and wrong. i don't believe in universal truth. i don't believe in 'god in heaven' so when i say that, it's more like a curse-word. i wish i could believe i would see my baby alive, and that she's with all of my new sister-friends' babies, but i just can't. i secretly wish i did.
now, don't all of you unsubscribe at once, ok?
1. i love chocolate ice cream with potato chips. it reminds me of a frosty with french fries. i also love vanilla ice cream with crushed red pepper. "hello, my name is charmedgirl. i am a compulsive overeater. i think i killed my baby because of it." god that one turned out alot more morbid than i intended...
2. i'm obsessed with ebay. somehow, when i win something...those last few moments, palms all clammy...i can forget everything else. then my cheap ass has to log onto paypal, and i feel shittier than before. BUT...when that package with my vintage antique huge ornate jewelry comes in the mail...sometimes it's all worth it. sometimes it's a little anti-climactic, but whatever. when i open that find, that piece, and it was only $9.45 or something like that, it's fabulous.
3. i love trying illicit drugs. i drank for the first time at a pretty normal age (16), but i didn't try the mary-jane until about 21. the mj, for me, not so fun. it's funny for a bit, then i eat like a stuffed hog before going into a coma. c0ke, not so fun. feels like a bad diet pill. ec$tacy, yeah. now that's what i'm talking about. they even use it for therapy, so hard-asses like me can open up despite crushing fear of vulnerability. i was about to try mushr00ms but, you know, i got pregnant unexpectedly. at this point, i'm terrified to try anything new. the last thing i need is to hallucinate about dead babies.
4. ok so far my list is all about vices...shit, why not throw one in about $ex? i love vibrat0rs. i've bought one for every woman close to me (like sisters); i even bought one for my mother-in-law one mother's day (i think she was hinting for it, so i'm not THAT much of a freak). back when i worked in a cubicle, i would sometimes have outings with co-workers to the local adult shop where i would show them what stuff to buy (their husbands probably thought they were cheating). nowadays, i've tried to use the mood-rising effects of 0rgasm to my benefit since p@ige died...at one point i tried to do it every day, and i think it may have been working...but it's not always easy to keep up something like that.
5. i've never been dumped. i've broken up with boyfriends without wanting to, as soon as i felt it coming. fuck that.
6. i have a thing about being shorter than those i'm out with. i wear alot of heels, since soulmate friend and my sisters are 5'8-5'10. i'm 5'5 and i hate looking UP. husband is barely 5'7 and i love it.
7. i don't believe in right and wrong. i don't believe in universal truth. i don't believe in 'god in heaven' so when i say that, it's more like a curse-word. i wish i could believe i would see my baby alive, and that she's with all of my new sister-friends' babies, but i just can't. i secretly wish i did.
now, don't all of you unsubscribe at once, ok?
Friday, January 4, 2008
giveaway bonanza not-so-extravaganza?
i never thought it would be so hard to give away jewelry!!!
unless it's all just completely ugly and people are just trying to be polite...could that possibly be it?
if you're just shy, GET YOUR ASS on comments and pick something! i don't care where you live, so no excuses (unless you really do think it's all shit).
so far, i've got:
meg- funky broken bracelet on the right end
m- garnet wrap bracelet
tash- still needs to choose
kalakly- tennis bracelet
heather- lariat necklace
please leave your choice on comments, and then email your address to: charmedgirl907 @ yahoo.com.
NOW...i totally have stuff to blog about, so get to it!
unless it's all just completely ugly and people are just trying to be polite...could that possibly be it?
if you're just shy, GET YOUR ASS on comments and pick something! i don't care where you live, so no excuses (unless you really do think it's all shit).
so far, i've got:
meg- funky broken bracelet on the right end
m- garnet wrap bracelet
tash- still needs to choose
kalakly- tennis bracelet
heather- lariat necklace
please leave your choice on comments, and then email your address to: charmedgirl907 @ yahoo.com.
NOW...i totally have stuff to blog about, so get to it!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
giveaway bonanza extravaganza!
when i was going through the hardest of the infertility, i got hooked on ebay. i don't think all of these things came from auctions, but most did. considering i've got a whole new crisis going on here, i'm making some room for...well, for more stuff.including, of course, my new year's eve charm bracelet win! and can you imagine, i only realized there was an ACORN on that thing after coggy mentioned it?? my brain is so slow lately. i also noticed the next day that some asshole was sitting there (like i was on nye) trying to snake that thing? they placed a bid 8 seconds before i did, but my bid was higher. final bid count: 25.
HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
it's pathetic how exciting this is right now.
ok, so on to the business at hand. coggy and niobe and others are giving away free stuff and i want to do it too. i love that i can think about this stuff as being just a little, maybe, exciting for another dead baby mom to get in her mailbox and even wear.
my photography sucks ass, so i hope you can see that from left to right there is:
a choker of black/red iridescent beads
a natural garnet wire wrap-around bracelet
a lariat (tie) necklace with dark purple beads
a black bead choker with amber and yellow colored beads
a bracelet of rectangle pieces of amber
a rhinestone/cz baguette and round garnet tennis bracelet
(underneath) a carved bone stretch bracelet, looks like butterflies
a carved bone butterfly pendant beaded necklace
and last but not least, a funky bracelet with different colored stones
(this last one is broken but can be fixed easily...and is really nice)
so, first nine commenters, let me know which one you like!!
(am i an asshole to say if i've never heard of you and you have no blog, i will be suspicious? i hope not).
ps- IF, and this is a big if, meg is a chooser and likes that last bracelet, it can benefit from her metalsmithing skills...and was also shipped to me from italy...so if no one minds, she's got first dibs on that one!
Saturday, December 29, 2007
crumbs
i tried to order birth announcements when i was about seven months pregnant. the website was having a big sale, and i wanted to take advantage. plus, if i already had them ordered, once the baby was born i could just send in the info, and maybe, possibly, get them mailed out before the kid turned one.
along with my order i emailed the obligatory, "just in case, can i get a refund on these if something happens?" it seemed so ridiculous at the time. but, well, joke's on me! HAHAHA!
they wrote me back saying it was too early to order; they need to close out orders within three weeks. they cancelled the order. (i wonder how many refunds they've given because of dead babies.)
i spent hours looking for the perfect announcement. when i got home from the hospital, i remember deleting the link from our favorites list.
*************
i secured a labor assistant with a $100 deposit for her services at my labor/birth. when the baby died, i asked her for the money back. she told me she would send it when she could; she didn't know when that would be.
i don't care about the money, but it bothers me and i'm not sure why. i don't even know why i felt the need to ask for the refund. i must admit i'm mad about it.
*************
when we purchased this house, i spent two weeks painting the entire thing. i painted the kids' room with navy blue on the ceiling and a twilight blue on the walls with plans on painting murals of a moon and stars and trees and bugs and night animals.
husband made a point of being annoyed the entire, i don't know, year and a half, about the "strange" colors and lack of murals that would force the colors into making total sense. whatever.
when i was 37-38 weeks pregnant, i painted the murals. i excitedly thought this excess of energy was my "nesting" period (HAHAHA!!!!!). i sat on the computer and copied all of our astrological constellations to paint into the sky.
i just remembered a few days ago that what would have been her sign stares at me from the kids' ceiling.
*************
husband is watching an "historical" game of american football tonight. it is supposedly the first time in a billion gazillion years (i think maybe he said something like 35) since a team has gone undefeated in the NFL.
about fifteen minutes ago, he yelled to me from the other room.
husband: "HEY HONEY...remember that fantasy football thing?"
me: "yeah?"
husband: "charmedgirl mama and the incubators won the whole thing!!"
fuck me.
along with my order i emailed the obligatory, "just in case, can i get a refund on these if something happens?" it seemed so ridiculous at the time. but, well, joke's on me! HAHAHA!
they wrote me back saying it was too early to order; they need to close out orders within three weeks. they cancelled the order. (i wonder how many refunds they've given because of dead babies.)
i spent hours looking for the perfect announcement. when i got home from the hospital, i remember deleting the link from our favorites list.
*************
i secured a labor assistant with a $100 deposit for her services at my labor/birth. when the baby died, i asked her for the money back. she told me she would send it when she could; she didn't know when that would be.
i don't care about the money, but it bothers me and i'm not sure why. i don't even know why i felt the need to ask for the refund. i must admit i'm mad about it.
*************
when we purchased this house, i spent two weeks painting the entire thing. i painted the kids' room with navy blue on the ceiling and a twilight blue on the walls with plans on painting murals of a moon and stars and trees and bugs and night animals.
husband made a point of being annoyed the entire, i don't know, year and a half, about the "strange" colors and lack of murals that would force the colors into making total sense. whatever.
when i was 37-38 weeks pregnant, i painted the murals. i excitedly thought this excess of energy was my "nesting" period (HAHAHA!!!!!). i sat on the computer and copied all of our astrological constellations to paint into the sky.
i just remembered a few days ago that what would have been her sign stares at me from the kids' ceiling.
*************
husband is watching an "historical" game of american football tonight. it is supposedly the first time in a billion gazillion years (i think maybe he said something like 35) since a team has gone undefeated in the NFL.
about fifteen minutes ago, he yelled to me from the other room.
husband: "HEY HONEY...remember that fantasy football thing?"
me: "yeah?"
husband: "charmedgirl mama and the incubators won the whole thing!!"
fuck me.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
anais
And then the day came when the risk
to remain tight in a bud
was more painful
than the risk it took
to blossom.
I stopped [...] a long time ago.
What remained was the slavery to a pattern.
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.
Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.
This is a kind of death.
We don't see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
What I cannot love, I overlook.
Is that real friendship?
to remain tight in a bud
was more painful
than the risk it took
to blossom.
I stopped [...] a long time ago.
What remained was the slavery to a pattern.
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.
Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.
This is a kind of death.
We don't see things as they are,
we see them as we are.
What I cannot love, I overlook.
Is that real friendship?
Friday, October 5, 2007
the politics of the blog template
so...here i am. i just spent what felt like a lifetime choosing a template for this here blog. do i go for colors, since i hope i can improve my life since the unthinkable happened? you know, like hope? do i go with black, which is self-explanatory? some shade of pink for my dead baby girl???
i finally settled on dark, with some colored dots. i guess that pretty much sums things up right now; despair with a little hope. plus, there seems to be three colored dots over the newest post, and i have 3 living children...
i guess i've always been one to read way too much into stupid shit.
i finally settled on dark, with some colored dots. i guess that pretty much sums things up right now; despair with a little hope. plus, there seems to be three colored dots over the newest post, and i have 3 living children...
i guess i've always been one to read way too much into stupid shit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
