it seems like so much has happened i don't know where to start. and that makes me feel like never posting again...like there's just too much, i can't remember it all. why bother. i think that's why i posted my creepy cemetery picture. if i did that i can't just walk away, right?
i picked up my medical records from the hospital last week. i could barely skim each page; i wanted to read it all so fast that i barely read anything the first time through. all i kept seeing was (big surprise) fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise. fetal demise.
the other thing that really bothered me was seeing the date over and over. what the fuck? did i think that date was erased from history?
and the ER records. i remember being wheeled around, knowing the worst was happening...and there was what everyone around me was scratching into my chart. fetal demise. no viability. no bloodflow. confirmation. confirmed.
another interesting thing was the full dictation from the ob. he had no idea if i would even show up the next day for my delivery. he thought there was a real possibility i would try to return to the care of my midwife. WHA?? everything aside, it was truly the last goddamn thing in the universe that even entered my brain, but i guess it's possible that someone, somewhere, would do that. i, on the other hand, remember thanking my lucky stars that i'd had a c-section and could get another one the next day. i wanted it over asap.
reading those records was like going to the dimension where the photo album of my pregnancy photos are stored. i'm starting to feel like it didn't happen to me. i'm starting to feel like i want to run away and just move the fuck on with my life. i seriously considered not coming back, not writing anymore. i still do. but i just don't trust myself enough right now.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
- a little pregnant
- a mending heart?
- afterwards
- anarchist mom
- antigone lost
- awful but functioning
- broken heart diaries
- dead baby jokes
- diary of a domestic diva
- i won't fear love
- it's a strange world
- letters to the babies that lived
- losses and gains
- mi isla sola
- missing micah
- my new reality
- my resurfacing
- oh well
- paw prints
- postsecret
- quiet sanctuary
- SAHM of 3
- the para.graph
- this is not what i had planned
- yummy sushi pajamas
15 comments:
You have to do what's right for you, what keeps you whole and in touch with some peace.
That being said, you'll be missed and possibly worried over if you go.
I am so sorry you had to see it all again... sometimes I wish we could all just forget, at least a little, maybe sometimes...
It's very out of body (pun somewhat intended) isn't it to read through the records and float above your old self, like getting another perspective except you can't warn the old self or brace her or prop her up. I got some (sick) satisfaction of seeing my daughter's name, or even just "baby girl" in print in the event I thought this was all a dream. But then it hits you -- not a dream. A nightmare. The baby they're talking about is dead. I'm so sorry, and I hope you can write just a little bit without feeling overwhelmed to write about everything. Maybe jot down and save some titles that you can come back to when you feel like it. Missed you much.
I often feel like running away and pretending it never happened to me. And often it feels like it happened to someone else, a long, long time ago. I've had trouble writing for about 2 weeks now.Ive written less than ever.
I finally tonight got into writing a little more.
I get my hospital records soon. I'm dreading it but have this real NEED to see them.
I do hope you keep writing, I've enjoyed reading...
Just so you know, I'd fly to where ever you are and kick your ass if you stopped writing. Or at the very least, get drunk with you (no no naked cemetary romps though. Please).
I am curious to see my own hospital report. But I wouldn't want to either. Not having to see it all layed out on official hospital stationary is a good thing for my heart, at least I think so.
oh hun, the records, the records... they are so awful. But it's a train wreck I couldn't stop watching either. I have poured over those records so many times. The dictations are the worst, where they put in their opinions and *gasp* feelings. My doc put "she has had a difficult pregnancy" ... uh, what? I had a perfect, no morning sickness, no complications pregnancy... stfu! I want to ask them to remove that. I want to ask them to remove "incomplete ab.ortion" from the follow up d&c's. I guess, though, it doesn't really matter.
I hope you don't stop writing, but if you do, I understand. I wish I could take away some of your pain in this. Thinking of you.
i feel like i go through times of wanting to running away from this too. then i realize i compose blog entries in my head when i'm not posting so i come back.... i hope you find your way.
I can only imagine how it feels, and I'm sorry.
I'm thinking about you today.
*hugs*
Try not to beat yourself up, I know it sounds total lame ass. But what I mean is, this whole fucked up trip we're on, everyday you never know what is going to hit you so hard it takes you out. If posting is making things worse then let it be for a while, I think everyone has sorta tapered a bit, it is just so overwhelming to read it everyday and then to meet the new moms here, it's just impossible somedays to believe it will ever feel anything but shitty.
No matter what, just do what feels right to you, we'll be here, one way or another, whenever you need us.
Reading the records...god that just rips my guts apart. I don't think I could do it. No wonder it brought you to your knees. No fucking wonder.
Thinking of you and sweet P@ige.
It all seems so surreal to me. I can hardly believe any of this has happened. When I've looked at my records, the experience was really jarring.
I am glad you are here.
Those records are tough to take. I am sorry. I had that weird feeling of I shouldn't be reading this, I shouldn't even have this with the autopsy report.
I like the idea of writing a little bit at a time. You don't have to write long posts. A few thoughts-- to get them out of your head even.
Yes, as everyone has said...you are missed.
I hate looking at the records. I have them in a dresser drawer, and I don't even like going in that room...knowing they are there. What do we do with all this stuff? I mean, it's good that we have it, but I also don't want it.
I hate that kind of stuff. HATE IT. My pictures of M, his hat, those things are different, probably because I can put a different spin on them, can use those to remember M himself, my baby.
But the autopsy report, the death certificate, no, nothing can make those things seem right to have. When you were talking about the term, fetal demise, I know exactly what you mean.
oh charmed, i am so sorry. i know how you feel, for real! i also just got back medical records, some of which have erroneous information about what m & i requested for salvatore's care. it, of course, is going to take you back down "memory lane" of the most horrific event of our lives and yes, it is enough to make you just want to shut it out and move on because it is so deeply painful to remember and re-live again.
hang in there and don't put any pressure on yourself right now to write or not write...the most important thing is that you try and take care as best as you can.
i am thinking of you.
I'm sorry you've been feeling rough, but I hope you do keep writing. Even if you just say that you are unhappy over and over and over again, because sooner or later, you might be less unhappy.
I am new to your blog and I have read some of your post. I cannot presume to say that I know how you feel because I don't. What I do know is that I will be looking forward to comming back and reading your new posts.
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