if i can't get pregnant again, that means p@ige was special. it means she was some kind of freak happening; we were really lucky to have that happen.
i don't want her to be special. maybe i just want to get pregnant again so she won't be special anymore. i think i want to get pregnant again so i won't feel like i killed my miracle baby; so i didn't squander my only opportunity.
i got pregnant by accident, by surprise, and acted like a fucking brat the whole time. i feel like the only opportunity to fill some of that goddamned hole of regret is to get pregnant again and have a do-over. i KNOW it's not a do-over. i read read reeeeeeead about the pregnancies and babies after deadbabies and know it's not a do over.
but right now, it kinda is. i can't help but feel like it still is a little do-over even after you get another pregnancy and baby, but no one wants to admit it. am i wrong???
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I'm going to take the easy way out and say that for some people it is a do-over and for some people it isn't.
For me it is. Totally.
I was just saying this to my husband. I just want a chance to go back in time and do everything better this time.
Totally. Do-over.
I know it's not. But it is.
I am all in on the do over. I just want to KNOW that my body isn't a baby killer. At least not all the time, which probably means little to the one that it did kill. sigh.
I am not sure for me it's a do-over so much as a do-again. A's pregnancy wasn't supposed to be my last one, and I think that has a lot to do with my mentality. But I can certainly see how it can seem like a do-over for someone in a different place, particularly if the deadbaby pregnancy was either the first or what was supposed to be the last.
I was a brat through my whole pregnancy with Caden. I just assumed that everything would be fine.
For me, I want the do-over. And I dont know if I will ever get that because of the genetic issues. Not having another biological child I fel might be hard...I think we all want that do-over.
I feel like I am just trying so very hard to re-create what I had - a moment, a feeling, a child. So, absolutely, for me, I feel like it is my opportunity to do things all over again, eventhough I know I won't be able to get back all that I lost - namely, my son. Which is really what I want most of all.
My sub pregnancy was a do-over in many ways...I got to term without a dead baby. The baby doesn't feel like a do-over for those who died. It's is easier to end on a living baby and not a loss, for sure; I feel slightly less like a loser.
I'm with Niobe. Totally.
I literally want a do-over, but with a known happy ending. As in: I want to time travel and do things in a way that I get my baby -- THAT baby, Maddy. I'm really not clear I want a do-again. Not only don't I think I can biologically, but I don't think I have the emotional reserves any more.
I just wanted to say that I found you online last night by mistake but your words have touched my heart as I lost my First baby on June 27 2008 and I think i am going crazy. It is nice to see that other women have the same thoughts and worries as me.
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