*honey, let's have a baby!

*easily one of my most despised sentiments...for thousands of reasons...

****

ok so...we're doing another ivf. i've typed that a few times over the past two weeks, kinda not fully believing it. but there it is, in all its splendor...jesus christ...and an entire cycle's worth of meds. some of you (the few, the proud...yeah right) will recognize the line-up. i've seen the photo dozens of times, but still can't believe the one up there is MINE...AGAIN.

i've had a year to decide to try to get pregnant again, and also to decide why i would be a fool's ass in hell to try to get pregnant again. there are really good reasons- on the try side? the not try side? does it matter? there are NO ANSWERS. really, life and death, just simply NO ANSWERS...just what we end up doing/what ends up happening to us.

i feel crazy inside, but strangely calm. crazy, calm. faithless, serene.

at least now there can be an end. well, maybe not, probably not, NOT, but i can enjoy that thought for a minute, right? better yet, i should just try not to think at all. yeah, that's the ticket.

why do i want to get pregnant again?

it seems like a pretty reasonable question. i can think of a thousand answers to it- good ones, too. i also have a thousand answers to why i DON'T want to get pregnant. i think i can drag my brain either direction at this point.

the problem, the real underlying issue, is the reason i have so many answers.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TWO THOUSAND GOOD ANSWERS.

it only means cycle after cycle of negative tests. it only means i have to continue questioning my desire to get pregnant, my desire for another baby. it only means that others declare, "let's have a baby!" and are left answering those questions while staring at the two lines.

i'm so sick of justifying. i'm so sick of second-guessing. i'm so sick of having to decide how far i want to go in order to have a baby. i'm so sick of having to have good enough reasons.

i have been trying to get pregnant since january, my first period after. it's october. i'm taking medications. i'm temping and peeing on sticks. i feel like a total asshole; i sometimes do these things during moments of utter disgust and frustration with my alive children. the longer it takes to happen, the more times i will ask WHY and come up with a thousand yay and nay reasons. i'm not sure what i really want, because it's taking so long and i am just so NOT in control over it.

i sometimes read posts about ignorants who announce positive pregnancy tests immediately. when i got the positive with p@ige we told everyone the next day. the next day!! i imagine getting another positive and not telling anyone until i look like i swallowed a spaceship, and even then consider saying it's a huge tumor. but i also imagine coming on here and telling. i imagine telling you guys. i don't want to have that post where i "come clean" or feel torn. this is my only comfortable place; this is the only place i will feel happy about telling.

but first, first i need to get pregnant.

why do i want to do it again?

what a mother-fuck, infertility.

cut, torn

well, the boy has arrived.

after days and days of talking to my sister about when and how and what the fuck regarding her impending labor and birth, it happened, but certainly NOT quite the way i expected. (NO SHIT, right? did i just say EXPECTED??? well, yeah, i kinda did expect it to go smoothly and normally...it wasn't ME, after all. don't i sound like a spoiled friggin brat?)

her water broke on sunday morning and i drove down there asap. i got her walking, walking, and more walking. nothing. after about 5 hours of dragging her sticky slimy self around town without a contraction to speak of, off we went to the hospital...where we learned that she was GBS+...ummmm...shouldn't the doctor told her that? shouldn't the covering doc have checked that when my sister called in when her water broke?? it was right in the chart at the hospital, yet the covering asked my sister whether she knew (no) and then told her to do whatever she wanted.

ummmmmmm...am i an asshole or isn't GBS with a broken water a cause of term stillbirth??? was the covering doc going to call us back if my sister's "whatever she wants" included NOT going to the hospital until contractions started (which would have meant, pretty much, not for a long, looooooong- maybe into days- time)? maybe i am just over-sensitive.

we arrived at the hospital at about 4pm and they started her on pitocin, the scary, labor-inducing, monster contractions drug.

nothing. nothing. noooooooooooope! no contractions.

NO LABOR.

they upped the pitocin all night and finally turned it off at 3am. they tried again at 7am, to no avail. c-section was called for 10.30.

words can't describe what was going through me. my mind and flesh were so confused...i was bracing for being present for this labor and delivery, bracing for the envy and the plain heaviness of it all and then...nothing.

i was relieved yet very, very sad about her having a c-section.

i have never minced words, i have never tried to perfume my shit thoughts and feelings. i've always been brutally honest here, so i admit i was relieved that i didn't have to be slapped in the face, AGAIN, by someone with the same parents as i have. i'm relieved i don't have to be the fucking family freak...again...alone.

i carried triplets and my cervix never shortened or softened or opened. after (still)birthing paige (by c-sec) on her due date, the doctor told me he didn't think i would have gone into labor spontaneously seeing as my cervix was not soft, shortened, or open at all. my sister didn't go into labor after her some bloody show, ruptured membranes, and hours of a shithouse full of pitocin. maybe i would have had problems from the beginning...without triplets...even with one baby. maybe i never would have had the birth i think i lost because i got pregnant with triplets and an automatic c-section. maybe my fantasies are just that. maybe i can't know shit about shit so why wait around for things to keep disproving my *poor me* theories?

really, why bother?

moving on, the baby boy is really quite adorable. i am certainly NOT the baby ohhhing-goooing type, but he is pushing me into a *want a baby* phase. luckily those phases are short-lived, you know, considering i'm all let-go-and-let-the-powers-of-the-universe about getting pregnant.

reproduction is NOT what it's cracked up to be.

happy birthday, to one that lived

me.

for the past week or so, i've been so melancholy. i've never really cared much about my birthday, but this year it's bringing me back around to p@ige. i haven't realized why until now, when i checked bloglines and there are just SO. MANY. DEADBABY. BIRTHDAYS.

last september, when i first had the need to google "stillbirth blog", i remember noticing how many women became deadbaby moms on or right exactly around my birthday. i remember thinking about how sad i would be for us on the day i was born alive. and it happened, and i didn't even know why.

i've been surprised, actually, because i've been at a pretty good place. i've been reading OB nurse blogs; i've been trying to re-direct my focus to the future i can actually control (you know, as opposed to fucking infertility, that mother-fuck). i am now leaning way more towards iud and a symbolic wash of the hands of this reproductive black hole. which is good. really good.

until my next episode of baby desperation...but i suspect that those episodes will continue forever, since, of course, you know, i am still pregnant with a ghost.

for now, happy/sad birthday to me. and to tash, and ashleigh, and janis...because for me? i was born the day she died.

what a miracle

if i can't get pregnant again, that means p@ige was special. it means she was some kind of freak happening; we were really lucky to have that happen.

i don't want her to be special. maybe i just want to get pregnant again so she won't be special anymore. i think i want to get pregnant again so i won't feel like i killed my miracle baby; so i didn't squander my only opportunity.

i got pregnant by accident, by surprise, and acted like a fucking brat the whole time. i feel like the only opportunity to fill some of that goddamned hole of regret is to get pregnant again and have a do-over. i KNOW it's not a do-over. i read read reeeeeeead about the pregnancies and babies after deadbabies and know it's not a do over.

but right now, it kinda is. i can't help but feel like it still is a little do-over even after you get another pregnancy and baby, but no one wants to admit it. am i wrong???

FUUCKKKKKKK

i am staying away. i haven't posted, have barely checked my charmedgirl email, have stayed away from bloglines (lest i drown in the sheer numbers).

i am losing weight. i am feeling more my old self. i am questioning my desire to get pregnant again. i think i've decided not to do the RE thing, but instead try the fucking OPTs for a few months. and then, i think, maybe, stop.

i am going out with friends every other friday. friday night was always good for me. it's still good, maybe even better now because on sunday i don't feel depressed about an empty life with no children. things are looking up.

husband is edgy and depressed. he is with me on the no RE thing, but he's just so sad. he doesn't want to work. he wants to be home. i don't blame him. i told him he can't escape it so don't try; i also told him i feel like i'm getting better and he's getting worse. he agreed.

p@ige...i'm forgetting. i want to forget. i want to move on. i still cry, but not like before. she ripped open my head and my heart and my flesh...made it possible to uncover so many truths. she's my savior, my personal jesus. she is dead, but i'm alive. i guess i want to forget the pain and remember her, and what's happened because of her.

my deadbaby friends, i miss you! i am trying to figure out how to live my life and still come back here. i'm not sure how it's going to work. i think about you and sometimes read your blogs...but i'm scared to comment and lose myself in deadbabyland. i'm an asshole.

c., i am so, so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. FUCK.

do i even want to?

my sister is 19 weeks pregnant.

two weeks ago, they informed her that her blood serum indicated an increased chance of spin@ bifid@. last thursday, i went to the genetic counselor with her because her husband couldn't make it. it turned out to be a good thing, since i had to answer so many questions; my infertility and stillbirth increases her chances of problems...from their chart's point of view, anyway.

two days ago, she had her ultrasound. (i'm still fucking shocked at how long they made her wait to find out. i would have NEVER been able to wait that long, but then again, i'm totally batshit crazy at this point.)

the baby is fine, as far as they can see. it's also a boy, which i'm thrilled to death about. i'm really glad i don't have to worry about having another baby girl around to remind me of anything. A BOY. a totally different species. thank the good lord above.

(it's seven months today since my baby died. i am running out of steam. i am running out of care. it's inside me, but i don't want to acknowledge it.)

i'm still not pregnant. HOLY SHIT!! big surprise, right? the whole thing just seems so ridiculous. i'm trying to get pregnant again. the longer it takes to happen, the more times a day i will go back and forth on whether or not i really want it to happen. i am so fucking angry. and sad.

i don't want to do this anymore. i don't know what i want. i just hope i keep caring less and less.

ummm...that was horrible

3-4 months clomid.

that's what he wants us to do. followed by insemination.




are you fucking goddamn KIDDING ME?????????




i feel the swishing of wind on my face as i fall into the rabbit hole...the infertility mind-fuck. i've been down this road, and it wasn't nice. can it work? maybe, possibly. can it work soon enough that i will not become a raging lunatic? maybe, possibly.

i just feel like it would be fucking around for, i don't know, 6 months.

on top of the actual treatment plan, the doctor (and then later the nurse practitioner) said, "well, you already have children so it's not like you should feel pressured. you're pretty busy as it is." FUCK ME.

what is this, some kind of joke?

i brought up the fact that i'm not comfortable with insemination because of the chance of multiples, the uncontrollably of it. i mean, ivf, you put in one embryo, there's only a chance of identical twins, a reasonable risk. he understood the fact that i would only want a single embryo transfer, but then kept saying the real risk of multiples was with ivf, not insemination. i kept reminding him, not with a single embryo transfer. DOES HE NOT GET MY STATISTICAL TRACK RECORD?????

what's happening now is, husband gets his product tested next week. that could turn all this aggravation to smoke, considering his morphology last time was bad enough to go straight to ICSI (for non-infertiles, that's where they inject the sperm into the egg). we shall see. we shall see how much of a *miracle* p@ige was after all, huh?

if he tests normal, i will have to call the doctor back. i just don't think it's feasible to drive 45 minutes each way, 3x in ten days, for monitoring for goddamn clomid for three months. also, my sister is the only one that knows about this whole fiasco, and it would be hard enough to get her pregnant ass to watch the kids for morning monitoring for ONE month, for the ivf.

husband suggested that i could take the kids with me for morning monitoring. wouldn't that be special? bringing three three year olds to a doctor's office before they would even be awake in the morning, to sit in a waiting room full of infertile women. WOULD I EVEN SURVIVE that many evil eye curses to my first pee-on-a-stick?

if the sperm comes back fine, i will push for trying on our own with ovulation predictors for 3-4 months...after all, he did say i was fertile. (insert psych ward quality laughter.)

the way i see it, i need to just wait for further testing. buy the fucking ovulation predictors and calm down. that was my plan anyway, wasn't it? get the consult, go through the testing, lose some more weight, and do this thing in june/july. so why are my panties all in a knot? maybe it was being called fertile just because i got pregnant on our own. maybe it was being told that 8 months is the normal time period for getting pregnant for someone my age (33). maybe it was because i had to think about months and months of other treatments and the insanity of that bullshit. maybe it was because i was told it shouldn't matter because i have other kids.


MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I SHOULD HAVE A BABY GIRL TURNING SIX MONTHS THIS WEEKEND. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE MY BABY, WHO I CARRIED FOR NINE GODDAMN MONTHS, IS DEAD. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON ALREADY AND I CAN'T, BECAUSE I CAN'T GET PREGNANT ON MY OWN.

thank god i WAS able to make another tattoo appointment for next tuesday. i like a sure thing these days.

it's only a day away

tomorrow is my RE consult.

what's weird is, i don't feel weird. i don't feel guilty and sad and conflicted. i feel like i'm on a mission; i feel like this is what i have to do to get pregnant and i'm not going to sit around thinking about it.

tomorrow i'll find out what tests i need to have completed, and what the doc thinks about how to go forward. i can't imagine wasting time with anything other than ivf...lord knows i don't want anything to do with insemination...I WANT ONE BABY. i am insanely curious to know his thoughts on transferring only one embryo, but like i said, I WANT ONE BABY.

so...am i an asshole yet? here i am, assuming the ivf will even work. it did before, but i know damn well that doesn't mean shit. here i am, also assuming that if it DOES work, i get to choose how many, and that i will get the alive baby at the end. i will have completely and utterly different medical care, and will plan a c-sec, but...have i not learned anything???

i guess i lied. i am conflicted. i am stuck between this gung-ho vs. everything-goes-to-shite attitude. if i feel confident, i want to punish myself by thinking of every possible thing that can go wrong. if i think about what can go wrong, i wonder why i'm even bothering. i then remember WHY i'm bothering, and start all over again.

either way, tomorrow is the beginning. tomorrow, it becomes real.

here

next friday is our ivf consult.

i can't believe it. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. luckily it's just a consult, and we're not planning on anything until at least june. but really? i'm so fucking angry. and i will REALLY be angry if we have to go through with it. i mean, why can't it just happen again? i may actually be getting angry that i ever got pregnant...that i am now stupid enough to be thinking it may happen again before summertime and save me from the clinic. how stupid can a girl get?

i think i am really, solidly, no-turning-back convinced i want to try this whole thing again. i want another chance. i need another chance. mostly, i think i really do want another child, especially as these three get older and older. i can't believe i was so close to getting that iud; it was only a fluke that i wasn't able to go in and just get it in december. funny how things turn out.

funny how things turn out...isn't that just so cute? isn't it just so lackadaisical? HO hum, didn't that all just work out for the best in the end? what the fucking shit? why do we bother deciding anything at all? goddamn this all to hell, i swear.

i think i am really coasting on the dead baby stuff. is it because i'm due for a denial phase? is it because time is dulling the edges? is it because my mind is occupied with thoughts of another possible child? i don't know. i feel guilty in a way, but in another way, i know that it is only honoring my baby girl to want another; before her, i didn't want another one at all. that is a bit comforting to me, especially because there's also a great capacity right here to feel guilty for wanting to 'replace' or 'move on' or something like that. the truth is i kinda DO want to move on...MY BABY IS DEAD. SHE'S NOT COMING BACK and i have a LIFE! i love her, i love her but i never met her. because of her, i will maybe, possibly, bring another child into our family and that's pretty amazing, no? I DON'T WANT TO FEEL SHITTY ANYMORE.

that being said, i do think there is one feeling that can possibly be resolved with another baby. the fucking fact that i still feel pregnant. six months later, i still feel a bit of shock when i bend over and feel absolutely fine. i still feel like i should have to pee in the middle of the night. i feel it all, but without the huge belly. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL PREGNANT FOREVER. in my mind, i just want to do another nine months, have a baby, and be done with it for the love of GOD. as it is, i've been pregnant for 15 months and counting...and the last two trimesters didn't physically suck that bad. i am not looking forward to being pregnant again, and i'm pretty mad that i have to be pregnant for 18 months to have a baby (if i'm fucking lucky)...i feel like a goddamn elephant.

so there it is. i actually wish to be pregnant.


*************
i've decided to stay here, and not go private. i know, how flaky, right? but that pretty much sums me up since september (well if i'm honest i'll admit it goes beyond september...).

new territory

i went to babiesRus yesterday.

i had a gift card from when i was pregnant and it's been haunting me since she died. i decided to go and just spend the fucker and get it over with. the kids need potties and frankly i'm sick of dealing with shitty asses...and they ARE three, so i think i need to get a move-on before i start getting those weird looks and have to smack someone and scream, "DEADBABYPASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" jesus.

so, there i am in a baby store. the fact that i have an RE appointment already seemed to help tremendously...but did it really? i actually looked at baby stuff instead of running past it to the back where they have the toddler gear. there were also real-live babies, which didn't seem to bother me?

this is frightening. what the fuck is going on?

i am NOT better just because we are going to try to have another baby. but i feel better? where is my shit? this isn't real and i'm scared.

do i want another baby because i'm desperate to have my dead baby? is my mind playing tricks on me?

AM I MAKING THE WRONG DECISION?

i feel better yet lost and confused. i am trying to tell myself to take each day as it comes and if i feel better, then feel better while i can...the shit will come back when it comes back.

i know there will be so much of this; if i get pregnant again i will have to master holding two boxes at once. i know i will have to carry my dead baby and my alive one at the same time. i know i will have to learn how to be happy and sad all at once. i know this is to be my life.

i know i live with a ghost, but i have to try not to be one.



(and today is five months...i miss you p@ige. more than i ever knew i could.)

definitely possibly maybe

we are going to try to have another baby.

husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.

i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.

in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.

i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.

now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.

i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.

our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.

ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.

universal secret

(thank you, unknown postsecret secret postcard maker)

i used to think that the moment i became pregnant (before i ever had been), i would just magically have the motivation to change my eating habits. i used to think that i would be different and whole and connected, just because they were growing inside me, or here. isn't the creation and birth of a child THAT important? THAT life-changing?

well, it is that life-changing, but not in the idealistic way i thought; apparently it's not the fantasy many think it is. oh, poor ghost of charmedgirl past...you stupid, stupid girl.

the pain of knowing where i was mentally and emotionally during p@ige's tiny existence inside me is crushing my heart. i never, ever, ever in a million years would have imagined i could be so lost and depressed while carrying a baby. so many years of infertility, so many regrets about never being able to have a single birth baby...what the fuck was i so goddamn depressed about? i wanted to fast-forward time right to labor and delivery, even though in my mind, i'd want to put her back in for lack of sleep and everything else. i was an ingrate. i neglected her emotionally. i abused her mentally (and to be honest, physically). i was a bitch of a pregnant lady.

i have to change. i have to make changes BEFORE events that-shall-at-this-time-go-unnamed happen. i am making those changes, slowly but maybe surely.

i hate to hell that i am making these changes because my baby is dead.
i hate that i am going to be *a better person* because my baby is dead.
i fucking hate that i will go on to a more realized life because my baby is dead.

i hate that i hate it, because i hate the alternative even more; i hate the possibility that my baby died and i can possibly still be as fucked up as ever.

where i was then...where i want to be

On 8/25/07 (two weeks before she died) 4:14 PM, "futurecharmedgirl" wrote:

hi tripletsplusonemom- i'm a new reader of your blog; i've really been enjoying it. i have 2.5 y/o triplets (2 girls and a boy) and i'm about to have another baby girl any day now. i've struggled with guilt since i found out i was pregnant (a HUGE surprise after years of IF)........i had so much guilt around the circumstances of the trips birth--- c-sect, nicu, pumping instead of breastfeeding, trying to care for three at once--- basically that they were robbed of the newborn experience a singleton would have had. i've been trying to convince myself that what they are gaining in the relationship with their siblings is the gift i gave them, but i can't shake it.
how the hell do you handle it? your beautiful post about having one after three....it was great. does the guilt go away; is it healing to have one after three? i want to enjoy this as much as possible but i don't see how i'll be able to without feeling horrible for my 3 little babies i couldn't give it all to.
thanks so much-- futurecharmedgirl

"triplets plus one mom" wrote:

Hi FutureCharmedgirl - This is such a great question – once I get some more time – I’ll be writing about it. There is definitely guilt, but I didn’t know that was what the nagging feeling I had until very recently. I felt so remorseful that I couldn’t have had three separate pregnancies, three separate newborn experiences, three separate toddler experiences. I wasn’t feeling remorse just for our children – but for me, too. I feel like we were all robbed of the “bonding” experience that comes with a singleton. But then again – I wouldn’t trade my experience as a mother to triplets for the world. Our children have an amazing bond and they are so much more socially advanced than other singleton children their age. Plus, they will grow up always having one another. How awesome is that??I will say that having [plusone] has been an incredibly healing experience. I feel like THIS is the motherhood experience I have wanted for as long as I’ve wanted children. (And then, again, there is guilt for feeling that way – as if our triplets don’t count??) Like I mentioned in my post the other day, I love being able to scoop him up and run out to the store with one baby, I love carrying him everywhere I go, nursing him on demand – and sitting and rocking him – for hours, without having to feel like I am depriving two other babies.
The thing is – baby P@ige will be an amazing gift to both you AND your triplets. I’m not sure how it is that we were finally able to get pregnant after almost 10 years of NOT being successful ... But I do think that without our triplets, we never would have had [plusone] – and vice versa. They were ALL meant to be and we are beyond lucky to have them. And, they are all lucky to have one another. So, that’s how I do it - just believing that everything, as it is, is meant to be. Like I said, I’m a miracle believing kind of person!! Enjoy baby P@ige – you are in for an absolutely wonderful experience!!!
Congrats!! Tripletsplusonemom


don't get me wrong...i am, in no way, focusing on the "meant to be" or "miracles" shit in the response. i almost had to laugh at that, actually.

i thought about this exchange this morning; i totally forgot about it until now. i was thinking about the reasons i would want another baby and i remembered this...and i also remembered that i was so, so stupidly tangled up in the guilt mess that i had no appreciation for what i actually HAD at the time.

it's not easy to explain (to yourself) why you need another child when you already have three. but it feels like one. after you lost your fourth. but it feels like your second.

i just want to get what i should have right now. i don't want to be cheated even more than i was the first time. and second time. there's just so many times now.

the present

i am finally starting to calm down.

i think i've decided to forgo the iud. you're surprised, right? until june, i think i will just try to stay relaxed (can that really be a goal for anything other than this moment??) by pretending i'm not trying to get pregnant. i think by june, husband and i can start to talk about whether we want to go back to the RE. i don't know what we'll want to do by then, but i will probably be closer to either wanting to go to the RE or to get an IUD.

speaking of husband, he just took his promotional exam on saturday. he's been studying for six months, and i've been leaving him alone. i didn't talk about how sucky and miserable i was at the end of the pregnancy, and i haven't really let him have any of this post-dead baby shit either. on saturday i felt a strong urge to open the floodgates of hell, but shut it back off after a trickle came out. it's really not fair to him; i need to give him some time to get reacquainted with real life. he's said over the months that he's put his dead baby stuff on hold, and i need to allow him to come into it slowly.

i've also decided to put off the official "another baby" conversation. he knows i want to, and for now, that's probably enough. i am trying not to ruin it by pushing it too soon. and you know what? i'm kinda out of my mind anyway. four weeks ago i was desperately trying to find someone to give me an iud. my urge to "plan" and "know" is strong, but i must resist. FOR FUCKS SAKE...we already know that planning is only a bastardized hope.

my original thought was that it took nine months to grow a baby (who died) and now, by june, it will be nine months that i would have tried to grow (the beginning of) who i am now. although i know it's theoretically possible to get pregnant within that time, i think it's too soon to fall back into that insane mind-trip of infertility and officially trying on our own. all that brings is more insanity when i should be trying to nurse myself back to life and health. this past month has been hell.

i still don't even trust myself enough to believe another baby is really what i want. i thought i was so sure about the iud, and now look. i need to just take each day and get back to basics, back to getting to know what's going on with me. living the future is going to help about as much as living in the past does- not very much.

just me, just for today.

IF/then

i think i'm starting to figure out what the fuck's been wrong with me recently.

it all started at a time when there were "obvious" reasons: being present for soulmate baby's birth, xmas, my sister finding out about her pregnancy (who is still fine at the moment), getting my first period since september and not being able to get the iud, new year's eve.

i have lost all cares. i suddenly stopped working out, stopped caring what i eat, stopped caring to try to have a good time, stopped caring that i'm the fattest ever. the only thing i've cared about was thinking about being pregnant again. kinda ironic that thinking about getting pregnant would lead to such bad personal care...but whatever.

i've read many posts from other deadbabymoms about getting their first periods after. they were at a totally different point; still within the post-partum period, their pain was still fleshy. getting my first period after four months, i don't know. it's unnerving to think that may be the impetus for all of this craziness, all this numbness; and seriously, it's been the worst yet.

i remember others saying it was a fucked-up reminder that they weren't pregnant anymore, yet still didn't have a baby. it was like a slap in the face. i think i've been feeling that since i hadn't gotten my period that i was still in the post-partum period, and now, i'm just not anymore. is it possible that it's really at the root of all this madness?

since getting my period the day after xmas, (HA! an exact month ago, i just realized), and not being able to get the iud (my out), i've been secretly obsessing about getting pregnant. not really secret to any of you, but a secret IRL. i even saw the "fertile cervical mucus" that i've rarely seen in my horribly infertile past...and i went off the deep end. i've been unable to sleep, thinking about the possibility of being able to get pregnant again. this will all end very soon, not with two lines, but with blood; BUT also with some understanding of what the hell is wrong with me.

i am scared shitless of putting myself back into the mental insanity of infertility. especially now, when i know it's possible. especially now, when there's so much more to it. if IF, then what? the RE? i don't think i can go there again. but can i really go on month after month with the IF hell i know from the past? can i just "see what happens" without going completely and utterly MAD?

i feel like my period will be here again soon, which in itself is a miracle. one month on the dot? and there goes my brain..."maybe the pregnancy reset my innards." HOPE, you goddamn motherfucker.

that's the problem. i'm scared shitless of thinking it may happen and actually WANTING it to at the same time. i'm fucked.