i've mentioned before that my grandmother often told me her mother had 14 children, one born dead...to which i would assholishly (innocently? naively?) reply, "ok, so she had 13." my grandmother always just sighed a, "well...," raised eyebrows and shoulders and let me go on my stupid way. last sunday, she and i were talking in my kitchen and she asked me how i "was," which shocked me, because no one asks me how i "am" anymore, not for a long, long while...(because i'm FINE, ALL BETTER, you dummy!). she said she suffers for me because, as the oldest of those 14 children, she saw her mother suffer for that lost baby. i remembered again how i used to dismiss it. i mean, with all those kids, really! she had five more after the one born dead, none of whom ever took its place.
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my cousin has ten children. she's about two years older than i am; she got pregnant at 17, married the baby's father, and hasn't given it a rest since. at my baby shower for the three, as tears welled up in her eyes, she told me she was probably having a miscarriage. she had about eight children at that point, and i wondered why she was so upset. can you imagine? i actually wondered why she would be so upset about an early miscarriage after having so many children already. she told me she was wearing her maternity clothes in hopes that a miracle would happen. she was also so, SO excited for my three babies...i thought she was just out of her mind baby-crazy. i think back to that now and just love her for having the strength and love for me to so happily attend my baby shower while she was miscarrying her own baby.
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no one knows i'm doing ivf again. i really don't want to talk about it; i really don't want to have small talk about the fact that i'm electing to undergo another ivf and already have triplets (isn't that enough? shouldn't you be finished?). i really REALLY don't want to think about them thinking about my dead baby and how i must be on a mission to have one that lives, you know, to take its place/heal myself...which must be it, because i already have three children (boy and girls) and if not, i must be one of those crazy numerous-baby havers.
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i am currently in the first phase of my ivf cycle: lupron shots. i go in on wednesday morning for a mock transfer (so they can measure the uterus in preparation for embryo transfer), and ultrasound, and bloodwork. the lupron is forcing me into a chemical menopause (SEXY) and hopefully the ultrasound shows nice quiet ovaries and thin uterine lining. if it all looks good, i start the stimulation shots on friday...and then the ball rolls (ball = lots of injections, ultrasounds, and bloodwork) until egg retrieval anytime between the 21st and 27th.
having done ivf before, i feel pretty calm about it all. if i start to think about it not working, i freak out...and if i think about it working, i freak out...but all these little tasks, i think i find comforting. it's almost like, ok, now we're really trying to have a baby. i'm doing something that may actually work, as opposed to...i don't know...FUCKING? (and charting temps and checking cervical mucous and pissing on ovulation predictors and taking supplements and taking fertility meds.)
i'm having trouble saying this part, so i'm just going to put it out there: i'm not sure how many embryos i want to transfer (ASSuming we get that far and nothing gets screwed enough to have to cancel the cycle). i've talked to the doc about transferring one, which he's fine with. i've been pretty set on transferring one. we transferred three the first time, and all three came out...so i'm pretty leery about the whole "less than 20% chance of twins, less than 2% chance of triplets" thing, not to mention those other slim statistics i came out on the wrong side of. my problem is, now that i'm investing myself in this whole process, if we transfer one and it doesn't work, i'm going to be really, REALLY upset. WTF?? if we transfer two and they both stick, i'm going to be somewhat upset, but nowhere near as upset as i'd be if it doesn't work. really, this is a problem and it's driving me somewhat mad.
if you are reading this, won't you please consider TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?
thanks.
and happy new year, if you fancy that kind of thing.
(resolution: every day is a new year.)
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13 comments:
What to do? Breathe. Breathe through it. It's not going to make up for or be a bandaid for P. It's not. But it may get you one step closer to the family you finally realized that you wanted a few years ago, before you knew you even wanted it. I think the greatest gifts are just that: things you don't realize you need until you have them, and then realize you couldn't possibly live without them.
What the fuck to do? Sounds to me like you're saying you've been target practice statistically. But don't forget you dodged a few by having triplets successfully. Maybe the days of dodging are over? Also remember what was so sweet about P was that she was singular, she was one. And this one won't be her, but s/he *could* be *one.*
I totally love the everyday is a New Year thing...that's a spectacular way to look at it!
As for everything else...Wow! Your Grandmother seems like a pretty cool lady! I'm glad you have her in your life and your cousin, what a special heart she has!
Let's see the transfer...I've never been down that road at all so my assvice is to um transfer 2...WTF if you get twins then hey it's awesome. As for the stats well, I think stats suck and people shouldn't pay attention to them because um, obviously we've ended up as a statistic!
Wishing you luck with all you do and wishing you everyday a better, brighter day than the one before or any day in 2008!
I don't think we have another after to replace the one we lost. I feel just like Tash--we realize that we wanted something and lost it. For Pete's sake, I was on bcp when I got pregnant with the one I lost. We thought we were done with our 2 little pugnacious boys. Then we got pg. While on bcp. And experimental, off label usage for kidney stones. And Lortab. And a hundred other things you certainly shouldn't be doing when pregnant. Anyway, we had gotten used to the idea of that third child. We saw how another baby would fit into our family and wanted this baby. When she died we were devastated. We waited the standard 3 months and got pregnant again-not to replace that baby but to make our 2 boys 3 children, like it now felt like it was supposed to be. He doesn't replace her but he did make me feel a new joy that I thought I had lost.
So, this is my thought. If you think you can do ivf another time, just transfer one. If you don't think you can, transfer 2.
Best wishes on making the right choice for you.
-e
God, couldn't you just ask an easy question like boxers or briefs???
I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do besides really listen to that inner voice. I hear mine all the time and know when I am ignoring it, which is frequently and then I kick myself, so i'm just saying if you have a 'gut' feeling about what you think is the right choice, go with that.
Is that lame assvice or what?
Hmm. I think if I were in your exact position, I might just transfer 2. That way it's not all on that one egg, and if you get twins, well, at least it isn't triplets. Or, just transfer one and if it doesn't work, when just transfer one the next cycle. Maybe at that point it becomes a financial issue. I dunno. But I hope you get the baby you want and need.
*hugs*
What the fuck to do eh?
My only assvice is to follow intuition. We've truly shown that statistics are worth shit at the end of the day, if the idea of more multiples scares you - go with a single transfer. In Australia thats actually the norm - very few ppl transfer more than one and we have very high pregnancy rates. If you have a good quality blast - go with one...
Oh fuck, girl, the more the merrier. Transfer as many as you can. And then share your triplet producing body with the sorry women out here. I'll even move there, next door. We can raise them together :o)
There are no easy answers, Charmy. I'd probably be worried that just one wouldn't take and I'd do 2. But I know your *fear* about doing the whole multiple thing again. I don't know.
As for your grandmother, that little exchange made me tear up a bit. I'm glad she asked how you were doing, because it needed to be asked, by someone other than us out here.
XO.
How do you feel about the possibility of twins? If you are against it, go for a single transfer. If you are ok with the idea and wouldn't be upset by it, then consider transferring two.
Only when being asked do I dare share with someone what I think they should do. Except when it comes to my sister, because she's as fucknuttery as they come. But I digress....
I say go in the direction that you feel will potentially bring you the least amount of pain(?) upset(??) regret(???) if things don't go the way you want them to. I'd personally transfer two, but then again I'm a real balls-to-the-wall type of person once I get it set in my head to do something. I'm usually not one for tiptoeing, especially if part of my motive is to flip double birds and shout a healthy FUCK YOU in the face of statistics. But that's just me.
Whether you chose one or two...one better stick. Dangit.
I have no advice- I would probably transfer 2 in hopes that one sticks, but would be leery like you. So I am no help.
And as for the story of your grandmother and cousin, I often wondered about people like that myself. I didn't get it. I was dumb and ignorant and thought why are people complaining about having more children when they already have one or two? Sometimes I think that's why Hannah died, it was payback for my ignorant ways. I will add that now that I am a mother, even if she is not here, I completely 100% understand these women and the why.
My grandma also had 12 living children, and a couple of losses. I often wonder what kind of advice she would have dispensed if she wasn't in a state of dementia.....
I think your goal is for one baby----so I would try to work the odds to give you one baby. I have never been through this, so I don't know how the numbers usually work, but then again it seems you have blown those numbers out of the water before.
I just wanted to wish you great success and luck. I know it's just words, but if my hope can work through the blogosphere and somehow reach you up north, I will it to be.
XOX--Reese
You know, I was making a similar decision last year. But there were caveats. The biggest one is, of course, that I am not you. :)
The way my thinking went was 1) we are in mandated coverage state-- I can afford to do single transfer a couple of times; 2) I seem to have a pretty good track history of implantation, so maybe my odds in a single transfer are better than most; 3) at that point I was less than a year out of A's pregnancy, and I was not impressed with my body physically [even less impressed now, but that's a different story], so I was worried about the stress of multiples; 4) I had never actually done IVF before, so I thought I could handle a couple/many cycles or FETs of single transfers if need be. So all in all, I was set on a single transfer. But again? Not you, so can't say what you should do.
I am sooooo rooting for you. With whatever you decide to do.
Big breaths, all too much to think about.
My two penneth worth - I think if you can afford to do more than one transfer then just transfer one. All this time reading your blog you have talked about how much you want a singleton pregnancy. It might take a couple of tries just doing one, but it's probably worth it to have your dream. Also your uterus sounds pretty tip-top in terms of transfers carrying triplets and all ;o).
Wishing you much luck with whatever you decide to do. I have everything crossed that you will be in a similar insanity inducing condition to me in a few months time. x x x
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