universal secret

(thank you, unknown postsecret secret postcard maker)

i used to think that the moment i became pregnant (before i ever had been), i would just magically have the motivation to change my eating habits. i used to think that i would be different and whole and connected, just because they were growing inside me, or here. isn't the creation and birth of a child THAT important? THAT life-changing?

well, it is that life-changing, but not in the idealistic way i thought; apparently it's not the fantasy many think it is. oh, poor ghost of charmedgirl past...you stupid, stupid girl.

the pain of knowing where i was mentally and emotionally during p@ige's tiny existence inside me is crushing my heart. i never, ever, ever in a million years would have imagined i could be so lost and depressed while carrying a baby. so many years of infertility, so many regrets about never being able to have a single birth baby...what the fuck was i so goddamn depressed about? i wanted to fast-forward time right to labor and delivery, even though in my mind, i'd want to put her back in for lack of sleep and everything else. i was an ingrate. i neglected her emotionally. i abused her mentally (and to be honest, physically). i was a bitch of a pregnant lady.

i have to change. i have to make changes BEFORE events that-shall-at-this-time-go-unnamed happen. i am making those changes, slowly but maybe surely.

i hate to hell that i am making these changes because my baby is dead.
i hate that i am going to be *a better person* because my baby is dead.
i fucking hate that i will go on to a more realized life because my baby is dead.

i hate that i hate it, because i hate the alternative even more; i hate the possibility that my baby died and i can possibly still be as fucked up as ever.

back in the weeds

i think the whole thing with soulmate baby is finally hitting me.

i'm thankful that i can always have good, strong feelings about thea's arrival. i was actually happy for a few days, and it's good to feel that close to another human being. i think losing a baby might be the loneliest thing in the universe.

but i think i have crash-landed back to earth. a few days ago i noticed myself eating randomly. that is a big sign for me. i wasn't hungry, but i was ravenous. in my life, that means i am having feelings i don't want to acknowledge. that hasn't happened since p@ige died; i think i have been feeling more than i ever have in my life about my dead baby, and in a big way, it's been all about the pain connection to a baby i can never have. so, i was surprised to be asking myself the old question: what is it you don't want to feel?

on the surface, i don't feel much. i don't feel envious, i don't feel angry. i've cried a few times, once tearing up in the store buying ornaments, the other times crying when fellow bloggers recognized p@ige in their remeberances. but the feelings behind the tears are mere shadows of what they used to be.

is my pain going underboard? has my brain decided it's become all too much for me to continue bearing? am i now to begin fighting my old coping mechanism of the stuffing down and purging of feelings with compulsive eating and restricting?

WHAT THE FUCK?

this is becoming interesting, for today. a new stop to add in the round and round of this shit.