it may as well be week one. or two, as i had a way worse week two than week one.
(translation: i feel really screwed up right now.)
i went to the hospital yesterday to pick up the professional photos of p@ige. i also wanted to talk to my first nurse; the one who helped me through the c-section and first day. the one who bathed and cared for p@ige after she was born.
(IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING TO ME???????????????????????)
of course i wanted to thank her (although "thank you" is so superficial it seems almost inappropriate for the situation). i wanted to tell her that she inspired me to go back to school for nursing. i wanted to tell her that i am so utterly grateful that she told me to hold my baby, and that she unwrapped her hands and feet. and that she was and will forever be the only person in this whole world to tell me that my baby was beautiful.
(THIS IS REALLY F*CKING HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my baby is dead.)
i wrote all the things i wanted to thank her for in a card, because i didn't want to break down like a blubbering idiot and not be able to get it out.
when i saw her face, we didn't have to say anything. we both cried and hugged. we talked for two hours. she really gave a shit about how i am on the day-to-day. she asked me alot of questions and REALLY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT the fact that my baby just died. i love her.
the question weighing heavy on my mind, though, was about the baby. i've had it in my mind that i thought she looked like she had down's syndrome. i thought it when i first saw her and have studied her pictures since i got home from the hospital. it was one of the things i used to try to convince myself that (how can i say this?) she's better off. anyway, i asked. she said NO (and gave reasons). i believe her.
then we talked about the fact that i believe i killed my baby.
i said in part one of *the story* that i gained alot of weight and ate like crap, and that there would be more on that topic. well, i gained alot of weight and ate like total crap and lied to my midwife about it. i lied about my weight sometimes, and i certainly lied about my diet all the time. p@ige was 9lbs, 13oz. the last time i saw the doctor (who i never met before the ER the night before) who performed my c-section, he told me that his opinion was that uncontrolled blood sugar had alot to do with my baby's death.
part of the reason i wanted to decline the autopsy was that i didn't want evidence that I KILLED HER......see, because i already thought it was my fault (the minute i found out she was dead).
i've had a problem with food issues for years and years, and now i killed my baby because of it. it's just another reason she's better off: i don't deserve to have that baby, because it's my fault she died.
then my glorious nurse told me that was hogwash. as an irish-catholic, she could appreciate some good old-fashioned mother's guilt, but that was apparently going too far for her taste. she told me that the doctor had immediately thought blood sugar was an issue because of the baby's size, and asked her about it. she couldn't remember the numbers but told me that my blood sugar was normal in the ER, before surgery, and after. she asked about the size of my other babies (4lbs each at 32 weeks) and told me i just have big babies.
F*CK.
she told me that she believes p@ige looked very healthy. she told me that cord accidents happen even when there's no knot or wrapping of body parts. that if a cord is compressed long enough, that an accident can happen. and p@ige was really big and could very well have compressed her cord, although we will never know.
i've been sitting here, reading many other blogs of mothers who lost their babies to cord accidents and thought, "she's lucky- she didn't kill her baby. it was an accident." i've read about moms who lost their babies to premature labor and how they did all they could, did everything right, and thought, "she's lucky- she didn't knowingly do anything she wasn't supposed to do and lie to her caregiver."
SO WHY DO I FEEL SO BAD NOW???? why do i feel so horrible after learning that p@ige probably DID die of an accident? why do i feel like i am losing my grip, losing my ability to cope with this loss? why is it so much more comfortable to believe that i killed my baby?
i have been coping by desperately convincing myself that i didn't deserve to have my baby, that she's better off, even that i'm better off, that it's all my fault. that i knew the reason this happened, and the reason was ME. i've been feeling like a complete asshole, but i could deal with asshole. i could deal with guilt and blame and shame.
i can't deal with the fact that i was going to have a healthy baby, that i didn't kill her, she just died by accident. i can't deal with the fact that i wanted her, and that everything was so damn close to being fine.
I WANT HER, I LOVE HER, AND I MISS HER. THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER OR ME. I DIDN'T KILL HER.
it was an accident? i might become angry about that soon.
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8 comments:
The part a lot of people have trouble with is the "no reason" part. No fair part. No logic and no if-then.
It's hard because for most of our lives people and society tell us that if you do X, you will be rewarded with good grades, good school, good family, good health, etc, etc. Coming face to face with the fact that it's a crap shoot and doing things right is no guarantee of anything is very very hard.
Please give yourself a break, try to be gentle with yourself. But if you do need to be angry, that's ok too.
I thought jacob looked strange when he was born, particularly as time went on but I know now that it was due to him being dead not because there was something wrong with him. I'm sure the same was true for paige, it's still hard though. Some of the pictures of Jacob I can't look at because he looks so 'odd' but the ones taken just after I gave birth to him don't look like that.
We had an postmortem done because I didn't want to be wondering if there was something 'wrong' with him. There wasn't anything, now I wish I'd not had it done. We have been told there is no explanation for his death, there may be speculations but not real reasons.
I know it's hard but please don't blame yourself for any of this, we all look for the tiniest things we did that could have caused this. I even thought for a while that me going to the cinema had something to do with it all, or the fact I had toothache or ..... believe me my list is endless.
My midwife said something that helped me a bit although depressing she said that life weaves around a continuum of death, from miscarriages, early stillbirths, full term stillbirths, cot deaths, sudden infant death syndrome, sudden adult death syndrome.... the list goes on. Sometimes its the hardest thing to accept but these things do just happen for reasons we just don't understand. Believe me I'm still not able to accept this but I have tried to stop looking to blame myself.
big hugs to you, this is all so hard
I'm not sure I have commented here before...but this post...this particular post...has me shaking with anger. Because, you see, upon seeing my Alex stillborn, my doctor was SURE that uncontrolled gestational diabetes played a roll...even thought I tested THREE times for it. She stuck with that story until I requested a copy of Alex's autopsy report. You know what killed my baby? AN INFECTION!
Doctors are irresponsible, at best, when they say the first thing that comes to mind. They, of anyone, should know that pregnancy complications are much more difficult than that to figure out. How DARE he put that thought into your head! It was NOT your fault!
Your nurse is right. Guilt has no place in any of this. Look around you. Crack whores have healthy babies. My cousin has four babies she doesn't want. People who go to church and live perfect lives lose babies. It's a roll of the dice. Unpredictable. That's why it's more comfortable to believe you are responsible. At least then there is still some control. At least then you don't have to accept that fate can be cruel and random.
Please, please, please do NOT blame yourself.
{{{hugs}}}
I had to comment in regards to the "blame game", as I am a member of the "no real reason" club. Even after a year, if I go there, I lose every time. My full term daughter was basically born in a coma, just hours/minutes/seconds/moments? away from being stillborn. The doctors are chalking it up to an umbilical cord accident, although there was no evidence of any obvious compression. I've often wondered many times if there had been something obvious, like a knot, if I'd find a little more peace knowing that I didn't really "squish" my baby somehow. I know that sounds ridiculous, but the "what if's" and "why didn't I's" can become unbearable at times. Truthfully, I think no matter what the reason, we mothers will always blame ourselves, even if it was something obviously out of our control and 100% not our fault (which I think really is the case for all of us) -it's just in our nature.
my god this is all so recent for you. you must be in the throes of complete and utter shock and hell. i read your blog and am just horrified on your behalf. what a f*cking nightmare that you cant wake up from. i lost my baby at 23 weeks, i cant imagine having a full-term loss. cant imagine what you've gone thru and are going thru. you're not alone, but that's probably some pretty cold comfort.
regarding the blame, my baby had to be delivered because of an infection i had in my amniotic fluid. basically it came from my own naturally occuring ass germs if you can believe that. one of my first thoughts was how i should've taken more showers. even the infectious disease doctor didnt completely convince me that it wasnt my fault. i showered every other day, sometimes every third. there i said it.
eventually i found a way to rationalize the whole thing so i could live with it. that and the doctors really vehemently disagreed that it was my fault.
thanksfor coming by my new blog. i guess blogger will keep me posting as my old blog name. i'll offer my standard greeting to you as a new arrival: welcome to deadbabyland. i am dreadfully sorry that you are here but glad that you found us.
Charmed Girl, I am looking for reasons too. And I am far too messed up to be able to offer any advice right now. But I do understand and I have been asking myself a lot of the same questions and feeling a lot of the same things. If I can figure a single thing out about this whole thing, I'll let you know! But, for now I'm a little lost in the whole thing too.
One thing I do know, these women in blogland are filled with wisdom, so keep reading--it will help. That's my plan, anyway.
When Owen was born, we also had reasons to believe that there was something wrong with him (chromosomally). I told myself that his being born still was probably 'better' then. We did choose to have an autopsy done and were devastated to learn that he was chromosomally normal. I felt and still feel like I could make it make sense if there had been something wrong with him. I could somehow see it as a "blessing", at least for him. When that didn't happen it was like losing him all over again. It really rocked my whole belief system. I wish I had some words of wisdom to share- all I can say is 'me too'.
I know there are so many questions that our heads just have to rationalize out somehow, so we can move on.
Guilt is such a normal part of the grief process, so don't feel wrong for feeling it, but try not to let it take hold of you.
It is easier to think that there was a reason, or something caused it, rather than a random act. But the truth of the matter, is things happen, and are sometimes deemed as "accidents". What you choose to interpret that, is up to you.
For me, this whole process has taught me that I am not in control of some things. I am in control of my persona, but not my body, and certainly not another human being. Paige was her own person, and as much as being a mother means protecting our children, we still can't "make" them do things or completely protect them from doing things either. She was her own person, and you didn't have control over that.
Also, in reguards to the eating thing, my cousin's crack whore girlfriend gained 60 pounds at least, ate McDonald's everyday, developed gestational diabetes and when her baby came out, the baby had some difficulties regulating the sugar, but after being in the nursery for a few hours, the baby was fine.....just goes to show you. So let's say that maybe she did have sugar problems (if the nurse said she didn't, then she didn't, but I will indulge a bit)then how many babies are born with sugar problems and afterbirth, they are fine? Right?
Anyhoo, I know this is difficult, but you will find a way to make peace with your fears and facts.
We are not in control of others.
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