hey coggy, how didn't i remember that we were only one day apart?
four months ago today, at this time (7.38am), i too was standing in the shower. i wasn't screaming, and i was alone, but wanted to be. my sisters were here, my soon-to-be brother in law, my mother, my grandmother, the kids, my mother. i learned my baby was dead the night before, and everyone rushed up here...my sister's fiance left his own bachelor party.
in the shower...there was nothing, just water. tears and hot water and confusion. how could she be dead? just like that? i mean, that was it? just...over?
four months later, i can say it wasn't over. nine months of growing that baby; a lifetime of fucking confusion and agony. we women, we evolved like this...but wasn't the purpose to care for and protect LIVE babies?? this can never be over.
four months. i remember coming onto the scene in september, being two or three weeks in the shit. i remember reading blogs of those who were two, three months in and feeling that i couldn't wait to be where they were. i still want more time to just pass, but does it really matter? i can't say i'm as hopeful as i was then that time will take this away with it.
one year ago today, i peed on a stick. now, only an infertile will really know what i'm talking about here. i peed, two lines appeared in the shape of a +. that was it...no nasa-grade inspection devices, no evaporation lines, just a big fat +. after 3-4 years of infertility, ivf, and seven total years of unprotected sex, i was pregnant. just like that.
i am obsessed with pregnancy tests. are you in need of HPTs? go to saveontests.com. you can get ovulation pee sticks, pregnancy tests, and ovulation predictors for sooo cheap. and i mean like, 25 HPT or ovulation strips for ten bucks, a HUNDRED of them for $30. see? i barely even blinked before that whole thing just flew out of my fingers. i am an infertile down to my very cells.
BUT...but one year ago, i was just some normal chick who peed on a stick and found out i was pregnant.
this year, today, i'm an infertile mother to ivf multiples and a full-term dead baby.
this year, i hope i can find what else i am, buried under all that shit.
or whatever.
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8 comments:
I hate saying I m sorry, cuz I know, it doesn't help. But I am, so, so sorry. There is just nothing right about any of this. No reason for your beautiful P@ige to be gone. No reason for you to have to spend the rest of your life missing everything she should have been.
My four month was Jan. 1 and his due date was Jan 5. Looks like we are all literally walking right next to each other on this road of hell.
Maybe one day, there will be a better way to say it, or better still, there won't be a reason to say it b/c there won't be a dead baby mafia, but for now I'm stuck with, Charmed girl, I really am so sorry you are here and that she is not. It f*ing sucks.
Wow - I have no words. I am sorry for the pain... and sending peace your way. Hope it finds you.
I know I was thinking yesterday about one of the first comments you left on my blog. That the day I gave birth to Jacob was the day you found out P@ige had died. I can't help feeling a massive connection with you because of that. That and the fact that you're one crazy lady ;o)
That's one hell of a title: infertile, IVF, Triplet, still birth mom. F*ck. I mean it really f*ck.
I hope you find yourself under all those words. I really do and I honestly believe you will.
I'm hoping if there is something else out there/after this that J@cob and P@ige are hanging out together. I know your thoughts on this and you probably have worked out mine but well it can't hurt to hope sometimes.
x x x
I'm so sorry. charmedgirl. Sorry that you've been dealt this shit. Sorry P@ige is not here. And hugely sorry that there is not one damn thing I can say that will make you feel even a little bit better; nothing I can do to bring her back and make right this shit hand we've all been dealt. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending you enormous hugs. I know it's not enough. It will never be enough...and I'm so sorry.
It's funny how you connect so much to people who are experiencing the same thing at the exact same time. It's kinda like the whole grief roller coaster and you and Coggy are on the same ride with me. I just didn't realize it was all so close together.
I don't even want to think about what I was doing 4 months ago. I know I was somewhat hopeful, the sh*t had not hit the fan yet. Oh but it was soon to come.
charmedgirl, I wish I could say that time is going to take this away, but I sadly can't.
'...this year, i hope i can find what else i am, buried under all that shit....'
Me too my friend, me too... x
You have such an interesting story. You have been through so much..both good and bad. It's unbelievable at time
Infertile-triplets-Fertle-suprise baby-dead baby
You over-achiever!
*hugs*
Your life so far has been incredible to say the least.
Reading through this, I keep thinking, "gosh, how does she remember all this? I hardly remember anything at all." I don't know what that means, but it seems like it should mean something. But, then again, all of this seems like it should mean something, but..It...Just...Doesn't..
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