i found out i was pregnant on january 9. not quite there yet, but i just realized moments ago that that is where it begins...the eight or so months of remembering "a year ago today" or "last spring/summer".
it's true, during the holidays i had moments of thinking, "last year i was doing such-and-such and didn't know i was pregnant yet." but somehow that's different. everything changed the day i peed on that stick.
i just want it to be over. i don't want to remember how happy i was on mother's day, or how miserable i was during the summer. i don't want to re-live through 242 "one year ago todays" how i fantasized about her birth. i don't want to remember how much i hated being pregnant, and now how much i hate that i hated it.
i just want the "year ago today" to be after her birth already.
i'd rather think about grieving her.
i'd rather think about being empty "one year ago today" than full of her.
i'm not looking forward to the next eight months.
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I've been so consumed with the grief part that I've hardly paid much attention to the fact that I will start to relive all those moments again. I, too, would prefer to hold on to the aftermath of his death rather than the happy and not-so-happy memories of when I carried him in me. The memories are simply a painful reminder of what I don't have. These empty arms are reminder enough, as are the tears, the fears, the complete and utter feeling of emptiness. I am not looking forward to my year ago today's. Not at all.
I can remember saying to my counselor, "I really do know that someday I will be okay again. I really do know that I will even be happy. I just want to get there, now." And yet, I couldn't. I had to wade through the first year of remembering which was the worst, and then the second, which was a little better, and then the third, which was better still... It's a long road, I know- but I hope you know you have a lot of us to walk with you- as much as we can...
Staying with the grief of death is so much easier than trying to move on.
I feel lost at the moment, I have NO idea what the hell I'm doing or what the point of any of this is. Very existential I know but whatever.
The year memories I am trying hard not to get pulled into all of them. Some will hurt and because I can't forget them but the little ones, scan dates, tests etc I am purposely not trying to remember when they were.
I do think if we can find ways to mark or commemorate the anniversaries that we remember in the year(s) after then they do become easier. Like making them part of life helps. To celebrate with tears rather than to just be sad.
I don't know, maybe it just helps me.
I'm still astonished by how different my life is today than it was a year ago- how changed I am. I wonder if Owen's death will continue to be the defining moment of my life. It seems to be now.
Yeah, this remembering thing is not so much fun. I have so many of these dates that I would spend the entire year (every month) in complete misery thinking about them. So I just try not to think about it. I'll let you know how I make out with that one. Doesn't seem to work...most of the time.
I remember that year. It sucked. I'm so sorry. We're here to listen as you go through it.
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