i went to babiesRus yesterday.
i had a gift card from when i was pregnant and it's been haunting me since she died. i decided to go and just spend the fucker and get it over with. the kids need potties and frankly i'm sick of dealing with shitty asses...and they ARE three, so i think i need to get a move-on before i start getting those weird looks and have to smack someone and scream, "DEADBABYPASSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" jesus.
so, there i am in a baby store. the fact that i have an RE appointment already seemed to help tremendously...but did it really? i actually looked at baby stuff instead of running past it to the back where they have the toddler gear. there were also real-live babies, which didn't seem to bother me?
this is frightening. what the fuck is going on?
i am NOT better just because we are going to try to have another baby. but i feel better? where is my shit? this isn't real and i'm scared.
do i want another baby because i'm desperate to have my dead baby? is my mind playing tricks on me?
AM I MAKING THE WRONG DECISION?
i feel better yet lost and confused. i am trying to tell myself to take each day as it comes and if i feel better, then feel better while i can...the shit will come back when it comes back.
i know there will be so much of this; if i get pregnant again i will have to master holding two boxes at once. i know i will have to carry my dead baby and my alive one at the same time. i know i will have to learn how to be happy and sad all at once. i know this is to be my life.
i know i live with a ghost, but i have to try not to be one.
(and today is five months...i miss you p@ige. more than i ever knew i could.)
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18 comments:
I know...I worry the same thing, that I want a new baby so I can erase what has happened. Scares the shit out of me cuz I know nothing is for sure and either way, I am gonna have to deal with all the stuff I am putting on the side while I hope for something else.
The whole being happy and being sad thing....Gawd I hate that.
I don't think you are making a mistake. And I don't think your crazy emotions (happy/sad) are odd either. Somedays will be better than others, and make the best of the better days. It sounds cheesy to say that, but it is true.
Where did that last month go? Doesn't feel 5 mins since I was saying it's been 4 months. The last month did suck more than I can say and who knows what will happen this month.
Some days I can look at babies and go places with baby stuff and it doesn't bother me, some days I can believe it will be me. It does somehow seem better now we've made the TTC decision.
Other days I want to burn the f*cking place down.
I don't think this is a mistake, and I think the feelings are totally normal. We all know that our lost ones cannot be replaced but, right or wrong, I do think another baby will help to heal things a little... make us understand again that life is not always about the worst things.
5 months is such a long and short time, isn't it?
I have a friend who lost a baby when he was 6 weeks. She once told me that getting pregnant again was what really helped her in her grieving process. I don't know. I'm not having another baby yet, but it makes sense to me.
Anyway, congrats on being able to go into BRU and I wish you more happy times. :)
The very thought of this has me shaking in my boots...yes, those damn ugly Ugg boots, that Tash can't understand! I don't understand them either, but I still wear them. Anyhoo, small irrelevant rant there...I could not, ever, step foot in that place. Under any circumstances.
Man, that line about living with a ghost, but not becoming one? THAT is the tattoo I should get. Very wise, Charmy.
i know i live with a ghost, but i have to try not to be one.
It's a hard choice to make some days, isn't it? I hope it becomes easier.
I think I do want another baby so that I can forget about what's happened. I NEED a happy ending. Another baby is a means to this, in my eyes. It's crazy to think this baby will replace the one I lost; that just won't happen. Surely, I will always hold him close to my heart and he will never be far from my mind. But a new baby? A squishy, wriggly, tiny,little (alive) baby? I can't imagine my life without another one. I just have to get over the feeling that wanting to have another, live baby disregards the life of my dead one.
Oh ya, while looking at some kids clothes today, I walked by the baby boy department and puposefully turned my head in my vain effort to pretend it wasn't there. It's like, when I don't like the size of something I've purchased, I just remove the size tag from it and magically, my fat ass disappears. Good for you at Ba.bies.R.Us.
Didn't Dante say BRU is one of the rings of hell? Jeebus I had problems going in there, with Bella, before Maddy was a gleam in my eye.
I told, think it was Beruriah, that she wasn't replacing a toaster by having another baby. *She* knows that. It's everyone else. It's walking into BRU and not having everyone else not know. Or stupid-ass family members think verything's fine! yay! Because the toaster! It's totally new and shiny! It's a difficult thing to hold in your head as a mom, and I think it's totally normal to have good and awful days. It really couldn't be any other way.
Wow. I don't know how to wrestle with the ideas/questions floating around in your head. You wanted a baby before deadbaby, right? So you still want a baby. I would think your wanting of a baby is just still there, not that you are trying to replace a particular baby. Just you want to have the baby you've been wanting.
By the way - BRU stores are evil.
I just can't believe you went to BRU. I still feel weird when I go there.
In my opinion, it isn't at all that having another baby makes things better. I think it is more that not possibly ending any childbearing you might do on a negative note feels better. That was my fear for a long time.
The happy/sad thing, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i still second guess myself. that seems to be yet another one of the "gifts" of deadbabymotherhood- the constant self-doubt. i miss the days when i was able to just to just do something without wondering if it was grief-motivated.
I don't think having another baby is an attempt to replace Paige. You can never replace her and you know that. I can see how it can get confusing though. But maybe the lesson is to analyze your decision less and just go with it. Like you said, be ok when that's what you're feeling, and feel shitty when the shittiness hits you. There is no wrong or right in the way you grieve.
"i still second guess myself. that seems to be yet another one of the "gifts" of deadbabymotherhood- the constant self-doubt. i miss the days when i was able to just to just do something without wondering if it was grief-motivated."
I like your insight. Constant self doubt plaques all of us in our club. I'm excited to be there again, thinking about another babe, but I question my yearning and I'm waiting just to be sure. I think it will provide healing, but what do I know anymore? Up is down, down is up; that damn self doubt again :)
I was sure I commented already-- damn.
I am only going to agree with everyone else-- we can't, and we don't replace our children. Wanting other babies doesn't make the ones who died any less loved or any less our children. But there are things we want to experience, hope to experience with a new baby, and even if we didn't know we wanted to experience them before a surprise pregnancy or even before the baby died doesn't make our wanting these things any less legitimate or any less honest.
5 months already? 4 does suck ass you were so right..
I agree with everything you have said here.. I too took that dreadful trip to baby/toyz.r.us to finally spend a gift card that had been burning a hole in my wallet..It gave me mixed feelings..sad for what has happened and excited for what could
If you're anything like me, you're always sure that whatever choice you make is the wrong one. Which, of course, doesn't mean it is.
hope you see this all the way 17 comments down, but I am Right. There. With. You. Five months in, Sometimes I can look at baby girls too and feel hopeful, not too devastated, and feel desire for another baby, then feel guilty about it, wondering if I can handle the sad and happy together. Is happy even an option? Yet I want another baby......ahhhhhh......I am so there with you. Yeah, I think partly we do want it to take away some of the pain, and you know what? So what. Anything that helps, heals and gives us a reason to go on is a good thing. Period.
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