what's been up

besides my computer crashing and dealing with a stressed-out husband (yes, it WAS the end of the world), the past week has been really, certifiably crazy.

first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.

i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."

my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.

next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.

because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.

so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?