incest

to elaborate on the "washing of hands" of everything reproductive, i had a job interview today.

being at home with three three (and a half)-year-olds is doing nothing positive for my sanity level. unfortunately, the whole deadbaby thing came around the same time they were to begin transition into the TRUE terrible phase of childhood....THREE.

NOT good for a deadbaby mama.

last week, the camel's back broke; i realized they needed something i couldn't be: a preschool teacher. and that's ok (right? RIGHT?!?). i've always been against sending them to school before kindergarten but i have to admit that it's my own ego standing between them and what they need.

and i can't lie to you. I NEED IT TOO.

as it stands, i will be working only to pay their tuition. and that's A-OK with me.

so.........the incest part.

i will be working in a women's health group practice (read: OB).

i will be working for the same doc that delivered p@ige.

i don't know what that's going to be like. but i do know that, in terms of my future nursing plans, it's right where i need to be.

my mother's day gift

my dead daughter gave me my father back.

in the months since i realized my mother has narc1ss1st1c pers0nal1ty d1s0rder, we've learned that she's lied about incest, tried to convince all of us that we were molested a la munchhausen by proxy, and last but not least told my entire father's family that if they didn't cut off my father after the divorce, they could not continue relationships with us (the kids).

i saw my father this past monday, after about 10 years (if not more). he's scared shitless of my mother. he is so different than she is...he's exactly like us- my sisters and i. it makes me so sad that we've missed so many years; it makes me so sad that we've been mentally and emotionally abused by my mother all this time and had not even known it.

i'm sad that i would have let my father go to his grave without having a relationship with him without the shit goggles my mother put on all of us...and i'm REALLY sad that i got my dad back because my baby is dead. because, really, that's what happened. that's how this all went down.

how do i reconcile it all? happy, sad. my baby has given me so much, yet there's nothing i can do for her. except realize that i am her. she is me. and i'm gonna take these gifts, goddamn it.

FUUCKKKKKKK

i am staying away. i haven't posted, have barely checked my charmedgirl email, have stayed away from bloglines (lest i drown in the sheer numbers).

i am losing weight. i am feeling more my old self. i am questioning my desire to get pregnant again. i think i've decided not to do the RE thing, but instead try the fucking OPTs for a few months. and then, i think, maybe, stop.

i am going out with friends every other friday. friday night was always good for me. it's still good, maybe even better now because on sunday i don't feel depressed about an empty life with no children. things are looking up.

husband is edgy and depressed. he is with me on the no RE thing, but he's just so sad. he doesn't want to work. he wants to be home. i don't blame him. i told him he can't escape it so don't try; i also told him i feel like i'm getting better and he's getting worse. he agreed.

p@ige...i'm forgetting. i want to forget. i want to move on. i still cry, but not like before. she ripped open my head and my heart and my flesh...made it possible to uncover so many truths. she's my savior, my personal jesus. she is dead, but i'm alive. i guess i want to forget the pain and remember her, and what's happened because of her.

my deadbaby friends, i miss you! i am trying to figure out how to live my life and still come back here. i'm not sure how it's going to work. i think about you and sometimes read your blogs...but i'm scared to comment and lose myself in deadbabyland. i'm an asshole.

c., i am so, so sorry. i'm so fucking sorry. FUCK.

what's been up

besides my computer crashing and dealing with a stressed-out husband (yes, it WAS the end of the world), the past week has been really, certifiably crazy.

first off, my mother. my therapist actually came out and told me that what i describe is a pers0nality dis0rder, and that CAN'T be fixed. i came to the conclusion that it's narc1ss1st1c pers0nality dis0rder after reading the criteria. HOLY SHIT, i can finally put a finger (or several) on the fucking shit i've been dealing with all these years. I AM NOT THE ASSHOLE!! this is a breakthrough.

i have stopped responding her emails at all, and restricted her visits to holidays and birthdays. she is FREAKING OUT. she's desperately trying to get my sister to feel guilty/sorry for her, which isn't working. her desperate mission to find a husband is in crash and burn phase. she has no friends. she is getting NO satisfaction with her old tricks. the last thing i sent her was a link to the disorder listed above, but not in hopes she would actually take it seriously...i think i just had to put it out there as my official "position."

my therapist told me what will be hard is coming to terms with the fact that i don't have a mother. in my head, i'd already done without one. but realizing that she will never GET IT, she will never understand me, until i DIE, has been hard. somehow, i've always thought that if the right situation came up, or i found the right words, if the cosmos aligned in just the perfect way, she would GET IT and actually realize that she's been a selfish self-righteous pompous ass. it seems so obvious NOW, but i think that because she's a therapist/social worker, she knows the right things to say. she's always made me think that the changes were possible. now i just know they're not. EVER. NEVER EVER. that's kinda scary yet good. thinking about past experiences and encounters with her with this newfound information has been, um, quite interesting.

next, the lawsu1t situation. i spoke to a lawyer last week, and also saw the 0b who did the c-sec (for my annual exam). i mentioned to him that i spoke to someone, to kinda gauge his reaction. OH MY GOD. he basically told me that he was already in pursuit of the licenses of both the m1dw1fe and her med advisor because of my case...and that he will do everything possible to help me, and that i am the first in his career he's ever said that to. i was in complete shock. i still am. i guess this thing is really going to happen. holy fucking shit.

because of the sensitivity of the information, i think i'm going to go private. there's no way in hell i can talk about a lawsu1t on a public blog.

so..........let me know if you want to keep reading, and comment or email me your email address. ok?

the present

i am finally starting to calm down.

i think i've decided to forgo the iud. you're surprised, right? until june, i think i will just try to stay relaxed (can that really be a goal for anything other than this moment??) by pretending i'm not trying to get pregnant. i think by june, husband and i can start to talk about whether we want to go back to the RE. i don't know what we'll want to do by then, but i will probably be closer to either wanting to go to the RE or to get an IUD.

speaking of husband, he just took his promotional exam on saturday. he's been studying for six months, and i've been leaving him alone. i didn't talk about how sucky and miserable i was at the end of the pregnancy, and i haven't really let him have any of this post-dead baby shit either. on saturday i felt a strong urge to open the floodgates of hell, but shut it back off after a trickle came out. it's really not fair to him; i need to give him some time to get reacquainted with real life. he's said over the months that he's put his dead baby stuff on hold, and i need to allow him to come into it slowly.

i've also decided to put off the official "another baby" conversation. he knows i want to, and for now, that's probably enough. i am trying not to ruin it by pushing it too soon. and you know what? i'm kinda out of my mind anyway. four weeks ago i was desperately trying to find someone to give me an iud. my urge to "plan" and "know" is strong, but i must resist. FOR FUCKS SAKE...we already know that planning is only a bastardized hope.

my original thought was that it took nine months to grow a baby (who died) and now, by june, it will be nine months that i would have tried to grow (the beginning of) who i am now. although i know it's theoretically possible to get pregnant within that time, i think it's too soon to fall back into that insane mind-trip of infertility and officially trying on our own. all that brings is more insanity when i should be trying to nurse myself back to life and health. this past month has been hell.

i still don't even trust myself enough to believe another baby is really what i want. i thought i was so sure about the iud, and now look. i need to just take each day and get back to basics, back to getting to know what's going on with me. living the future is going to help about as much as living in the past does- not very much.

just me, just for today.

well excuse her for living

soulmate friend is experiencing the worst post-partum depression she's ever had.

she planned not to breastfeed to avoid PPD; so she could resume her medication right after the birth. she had breastfed her other two but it was not in her best interest, really, and so, not very good for the kids either. with her past experience, she tried to take every precaution.

except, her soulmate friend's baby died, then she had a live one.

she told me yesterday that she figured out why it's so bad this time around. she told me she resents the baby; when she looks at her she thinks, "who are you to be alive when charmedgirl's baby is dead?" she is angry and she's taking it out on the baby who lived. HER BABY.

i don't know how to feel about it. i feel terrible that she's going through that, and that the baby is on the other end of it. i feel...i don't know...that someone IRL is grieving with me? it's fucked up all around. really, really fucked up.


*************

on another note, as i did blurt out in a drunken, sobbing stupor that i wanted another baby, we weren't able to have a real conversation about it, so, not much to report. but at least i don't have to try to come up with lies about why i'm not getting the iud at the next show of blood...

on babies, fun, and being mother-fucked

ahhh, what a wealth of choices...what should come first? something tells me these thoughts are more circular than linear, so it probably doesn't matter much. let's begin with mother-fucked.

when the three were born, i chose a photo and had announcements made. on the center panel, i had a quote, "the decision to have a child is the decision to have your heart go walking outside your body." can i just say that i had absolutely positively NO FUCKING IDEA what that really meant? my god, i have never, in my adult life, gone through such feelings of inadequacy, regret, and guilt. they say it's from becoming a mother, but 'they' were also just talking about the normal, alive baby stuff. i can say that for me, i really am just beginning to understand that quote; not after the alive babies (which did come with some of it), but after the dead one.

all the attachment crap i thought i worked into a nicely-wrapped package of deserting father and spoiled, neglectful mother went to shit when i became a mother. but i've only really fallen apart after my baby died...i really thought i was a happy, confident, fun person. WHAT AM I? am i really just a person who is waking up from the fantasy of what i thought my life was, what i was? did i take the red pill, or whatever the fuck color?? was that the goddamn matrix? does this happen to everyone who becomes a mother of alive/dead kids, or just the ones who are already fucked but don't know it yet because their coping skills are just that good?

ok, now onto the fun. right before i got pregnant with p@ige, i finally thought i was getting back into the swing of things. i started losing the baby weight, started having some *fun*. it was, oh, four weeks before i found out i was pregnant? i thought i had moved on from my reproductive nightmare; we decided no more kids (i know, i've said that 33 million times already).

and what was i looking for, to try to feel normal again?? FUN! yes, fun...you know, getting dressed up, having cocktails with your friends, shaking your ass a little...it sounds so shallow, but i really do enjoy my friends and conversation and dancing. i think about it more like it's a part of human nature, to want to get to some higher plane of existence through mind-altering substances, music, and discussion...with your best party goods on. kinda like church, but for a quasi-pagan chick. you know?

ok so here i am, dead baby in tow (always), trying to have fun. what the FUCK? it's almost like i am trying to convince myself that if i can just find my fun again, i don't have to think about trying to get pregnant. because, you know, fun and pregnancy certainly don't go together. it's either one or the other, folks.

i try to have fun. i go to soulmate friend's place, we try. we really do. the dead baby mom and the post-partum depression mom. two mother-fucked girls trying to find the fun. it's just so fucking goddamn PATHETIC. what ends up happening is, i get home and feel more in a funk than ever. i don't want to read or write or be anything at all. i can't find my fun and i can't find myself.

what's left to find but another two lines? i couldn't get the iud when i tried, and now two-line-chasing is still an option. how was i so sure i wanted to get the iud and be so sure now that i don't? i don't trust a single thing that goes through my head. i want to try to get pregnant...not that i even know what that means (certainly not the infertility doc). i try to imagine lies i would tell husband in order to avoid the iud when my next period comes. i fantasize about getting pregnant and not telling anyone for like, six months (not because i'm afraid of losing the baby, just beacuse i want it all to myself).

then i think about all the reasons i was so sure i didn't want another baby. will i get my period again and be miserable because i'm not pregnant, and not want to get the iud? will i get my period and run screaming to the doctor who will put it in? will i not get my period because i'm pregnant and regret it????

i want a baby because i can't find my fun anyway and maybe, just maybe, i can work out my mother-fuckedness enough to make having another baby really be a good idea?

what the fuck.
and why does cursing always make me feel a little better???

edited to add: my sister is doing fine. just a false alarm (so far)! these days, though, i'm not as encouraging as i used to be. she's probably relieved that i'm not. sometimes it's easier to deal with fucked up shit when someone just says, "jesus. that really IS fucked up!" and then leaves it at that.

ahhh, those zen buddhists

"they say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. everybody can see that. but only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well-- the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from the nothingness to maturity. in this respect, say the zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it is born."
quoted from elizabeth gilbert's "eat pray love"
italics, boldface, and lack of proper capitalization- charmedgirl


i read this, laying in bed, after i hung my dead baby's acorn ornament on our tree. coincidence? of course it is...but there it was, in my face, nonetheless.


at first reading, i thought of the baby that grew inside me, that little acorn of herself; and the tree, the life she would never lead, the woman she would never be.


i started this post days ago. i think before the weekend, even. my point in all of it was that i realized that I AM the tree, I AM who is to be born at this point. I AM the force that will pull my future self into existence. NOW is the time.

because shit, i couldn't do it for my kid, but i guess i should do it for somebody.

the only problem now is, all i want to do is smash that fucking acorn into a gazillion pieces. and then i want to stick the shards into my eyeballs.

i dreamt last night that i was pregnant; that made me happy in the dream. i am thinking about it again. i am spinning madness in my head.

1-my sister is pregnant, due three days after p@ige was born dead
2- just about the same moment she was peeing on the glorious stick, blood was starting to come out of my, well, you know...
3-i called to set up my IUD appt, and OH! they don't do that particular IUD right now! I JUST WAITED almost FOUR MONTHS to get my period since my baby died, and now i can't even get the fucking birth control??
4-husband was notified the friday before christmas that he was being punitively transferred out of his precinct; only the mayor himself can overturn it, and although many owe him favors, none are the mayor (this is a very long story, the abridged version of which is simply, THIS WHOLE THING IS BULLSHIT)...he's not very upset about it, because (in his words), "my baby died this year, who cares?" which kills me.
5- my baby is still dead

i don't want to clean my house. i don't want to write. i suddenly want to get pregnant again right now. i don't want to answer my phone. i want to sleep all day and not see another living soul. i hate myself and i hate what is happening.

oh, and i think i decided i'm going to see an attorney. i probably shouldn't just put that out there like that, but whatever. i am starting to think my pregnancy wasn't managed properly. that is making me very angry, and for once, at someone other than myself.

oh, 2008, please be better.


edited to add: soulmate friend just called to tell me the baby is being admitted to the nicu under SIDS observation and testing...2007, you are the year from hell.

and so it is

the past two days have been bad. angry and sad, all at once.

all i know is, i need to be going somewhere; i need to change. i can't be what i was before, and i don't want to... but i need to go slow enough that the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual can all keep up.

window of opportunity

i think i'm getting my first period afterward.

the IUD is inserted when you have your period.

i spent all day yesterday thinking about when i should get the IUD put in. it just doesn't feel right, right now. i've gone through alot of *want a baby, don't want a baby* back and forth already, and husband and i made the decision not to try.

it's not a solid decision to make anyway, with the infertility and all. the decision is NO or MAYBE. i KNOW i don't want to go back to IVF, and so it's either NO and get the IUD, or MAYBE and leave it to chance. i am getting a tummy tuck and tubes tied in 2009, so that would be the deadline. i'll be turning 35 around the time of the surgery.

anyway, i just found myself feeling like i might need a small window of opportunity for conception. like 5-6 months. in reality that's a joke; 6 months for me to get pregnant naturally??? never happen! BUT IT COULD, theoretically. my mind (my heart?) might need to know in the future that it could have happened. i don't want to have regret later, and what can happen in a year can happen in 6 months. my best friend (i should really call her my soulmate friend) told me about someone she knows. she wanted another baby and her husband gave her ONE shot. one session without birth control...and she got pregnant.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I REALLY WANT ANOTHER CHILD. I WANTED P@IGE BUT SHE'S DEAD. does it mean that if i really wanted HER i should want another? does it mean that i didn't really want her if i'm thinking i might not want another (live) kid??? my mind is a blender.

i feel like giving myself this small chance will allow me to move on. i don't believe in fate, or *meant to be*, but in a way i do for this. if it's meant to happen, it can happen within 6 months. plus, a year and a half of "is this going to happen?" is a long time to be in limbo.

or i could get my 2nd period and run straight for the IUD.

to IUD or not to IUD, that is the question

right before i went in for my c-section to birth p@ige, i told the nurse i wanted to have my tubes tied. i didn't realize that catholic hospitals don't allow that procedure, and so, i am still technically able to "decide" whether i want to try to get pregnant again. or not.

the morning of p@ige's delivery, every cell in my being was screaming, "NEVER AGAIN. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN." but by the time i arrived home, i was desperate to be pregnant, to have the hope of holding (that) baby. every moment since, i have come up with every possible reason to have, or not have, another baby.

one flaw in all of this, though, is the decision to get pregnant isn't even ours to make. we have a history chock-full of infertility; besides our triplets via IVF, it took seven years to get pregnant spontaneously. we were pretty shocked. she wan't planned, but she was wanted. alot. but as far as getting pregnant again? not something we have control over, short of another trip to the IVF clinic.

so far, i've already decided that i would go back to the clinic. i even called them AND my insurance company. then i decided that i should get an IUD. after that, i decided that we would just *have fun* for a year and *see what happened*. then i thought we should....................

it went on and on, just like that. poor husband rode my wave, encouraging each choice of the moment.

the fact is, when i'm honest with myself, i admit i don't really want another child. i am simply dying to hold the baby i should have right now. i want that baby so damn bad. i want her brother and sisters to have her, too. i want husband to hold her and love her. i need her but i can't have her. not now, not ever...no matter how many other babies i have.

husband and i decided last night that i will get the IUD. it feels true. it feels stable and in control of my life. and i'll take that when i can get it.