asshole!

once apon a time, when i was just infertile and not a dead baby mom, i followed infertility blogs.

well, i'm lying. i was in that fucked up state of being an infertile with children and (oops!) pregnant again.

because, you know, no matter how many times you carry life within your belly, if you've lived through infertility, you are always an infertile deep, deep in your bones.

anyway, there i was. pregnant (largely so) and following infertility blogs, staring at their positive pregnancy tests ( like i never saw two lines IN MY LIFE) and suffering with the ones who were blind for staring at their stark white tests...

there was one girl in-particular, one who achieved pregnancy after a few treatments. for some god-forsaken reason, i felt compelled to tell her about the guilt and general fucked up nature of pregnancy after infertility. cause, you know, pregnancy sucks ass in hell. and it especially sucks ass in hell when you worked your ass off to make it happen.

(i remember [way before the incident i'm telling about] telling soulmate friend, who was pregnant and complaining about trapped gas or whatever, while i was so desperately trying to become so, that AT LEAST SHE CAN GET PREGNANT. i feel like an ass to this day about that.)

anyway, i wanted to tell that woman to expect to feel guilty and confused about feeling shitty about the difficulty of pregnancy, despite asking (begging, sacrificing) for it. (right now, i wonder why the fuck i would stick my neck out like that. let people alone, no? to find out for themselves, no? i have no explanation for it.)

well, long story short, she was not very appreciative. she posted about blocking comments from assholes who wanted to rain on her two-lined test parade. i never technically found out if she was talking about me because i never commented again; the correspondence i'm referring to happened via email. i continued to follow her blog, and she subsequently experienced crippling hyperemesis. i wonder if she ever thought about my emails. i wonder if she ever understood what i was trying to tell her. i wonder if it ever clicked.

well, my long, drawn out point is, i still feel bad about it. i still feel bad about telling her about the dichotomy which is pregnancy after infertility way before she had reason to hear it. really, i'm surprised i even did it; i'm usually so opinions-off (or at least i like to humor myself that i am).

the real truth is, i was still in shock, depressed, suffering though an unexpected pregnancy after infertility and triplets via ivf. i was a mess. i had pre-partum depression. i was fucked up.

and i feel bad that i rained on someone else's parade.