i took a pregnancy test this morning, and although negative, i kept it.
OF COURSE I KEPT IT!! anyone KNOWS you can't throw those things out! it can tell you secrets later in the day when you pull it out and make yourself cross-eyed staring at it!!
tonight, there was a faint line. any other time in my life, that faint line would mean something. i mean, of the hundreds of sticks i've peed on, negative is blinding negative. there's an old wives' tale, an urban myth, of evaporation lines...DON'T READ TEST AFTER TEN MINUTES!
tonight, at this time in my life, that little tiny hope against hope is scaring the living shit out of me. who am i to have this work??? i don't deserve it.
tonight, that tiny little line is still a negative. tonight, that faint line is a big fat joke on me. tonight, i'm on the *lucky* side of the statistics, yet again.
tonight, there's no one i can call, no one i can tell...no one to mull it over with. there's too much that wouldn't be said, too many underlying implications. there's no one close enough that wouldn't pity my pitiful, hopeful goddamned self.
tomorrow, i will wake up and take another test that will crush me and laugh at me and call me a fucking asshole. this is my life. and the alternative? that is a possibility, after all.
it can't be.
****
eta: took another test, same story. it's still early, so it can go either way (theoretically). i'll know for sure in a few days...in the meantime, i'm still wondering WHY i want to do this again? i can make this all go away and take control of my life again...theoretically.
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do not judge by mere appearances; for the light laughter that bubbles on the lip often mantles over the depths of sadness, and the serious look may be the sober veil that covers a divine peace and joy
about
- charmedgirl
- after 4 years of infertility, IVF, and a high-risk yet successful triplet pregnancy, we thought one baby girl created the old-fashioned way would be a piece of cake; that's not what happened. we miss you paige...stillborn at 40 weeks on her due date, 9.9.07.
or so we thought...
- a little pregnant
- a mending heart?
- afterwards
- anarchist mom
- antigone lost
- awful but functioning
- broken heart diaries
- dead baby jokes
- diary of a domestic diva
- i won't fear love
- it's a strange world
- letters to the babies that lived
- losses and gains
- mi isla sola
- missing micah
- my new reality
- my resurfacing
- oh well
- paw prints
- postsecret
- quiet sanctuary
- SAHM of 3
- the para.graph
- this is not what i had planned
- yummy sushi pajamas
13 comments:
I do the same exact thing every time. Every. Time.
I hate those things.
I'm beginning to think those sticks are the devil's work. They make us sad, angry, happy, scared. It had to be some unknowing man who created them to taunt us!
That's why I never POAS until my period was actually due or late. I couldn't bear the uncertainty and the torture.
God, Charmer, I hope like hell the stick this morning has some real positive news for you.
Post soon, k?
xxoo
You are not a fucking asshole. Those sticks don't know shit about birthing dead babies and living a life trying to restore hope.
I've done what you are doing a million times (actually around a 100 times based on how many internet tests I've bought) and it doesn't get easier the more sticks you pee on. But, I certainly don't have to tell you that. You know this shit. I'm sorry you do.
Fingers crossed, charmy. XO.
stupid sticks.
I hope you get the answer you want soon.
fx.
*hugs*
As one whose over-inspected many a faint test well past the limit, I'm sure you won't mind if I exhale a dramatic sigh and punctuate it with an annoyed fuck. Peesticks are evil. I think I might stay far away from them this time.
I took one really early this go 'round. I knew it would be negative, but I peed on it anyway. I stared at that damn thing for 20 minutes is 3 different kinds of light.
I waited 3 more days, and there is was. Positive. And I have been scared out of my mind since. I cried when it was negative and I cried when it was positive, the typical DBL reaction....
I hope that you get a definitive answer soon. This not knowing crap is for the birds....
Reese
soo.......???? is it any darker? Please let us know
I'm the queen of obsessing over peesticks and I think you've got a positive. Really. I've peed on thousands and thousands of sticks of all prices and brands and I've never gotten an evap line with any color to it...
????
A faint yes is still a yes, in my book. Here's to thinking good thoughts for you. :) And why would you do this to yourself again? Because the shot at having another precious child is worth it. It is. I know this sounds overly simplified and I am only coming from a place of knowing people that have walked in your shoes. But I am cautiously excited for you.
I've had one of those turn out both ways, and all I have is that I hate that fucking mindfuck.
When you are ready, let us know how it turned out, k?
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