cut, torn

well, the boy has arrived.

after days and days of talking to my sister about when and how and what the fuck regarding her impending labor and birth, it happened, but certainly NOT quite the way i expected. (NO SHIT, right? did i just say EXPECTED??? well, yeah, i kinda did expect it to go smoothly and normally...it wasn't ME, after all. don't i sound like a spoiled friggin brat?)

her water broke on sunday morning and i drove down there asap. i got her walking, walking, and more walking. nothing. after about 5 hours of dragging her sticky slimy self around town without a contraction to speak of, off we went to the hospital...where we learned that she was GBS+...ummmm...shouldn't the doctor told her that? shouldn't the covering doc have checked that when my sister called in when her water broke?? it was right in the chart at the hospital, yet the covering asked my sister whether she knew (no) and then told her to do whatever she wanted.

ummmmmmm...am i an asshole or isn't GBS with a broken water a cause of term stillbirth??? was the covering doc going to call us back if my sister's "whatever she wants" included NOT going to the hospital until contractions started (which would have meant, pretty much, not for a long, looooooong- maybe into days- time)? maybe i am just over-sensitive.

we arrived at the hospital at about 4pm and they started her on pitocin, the scary, labor-inducing, monster contractions drug.

nothing. nothing. noooooooooooope! no contractions.

NO LABOR.

they upped the pitocin all night and finally turned it off at 3am. they tried again at 7am, to no avail. c-section was called for 10.30.

words can't describe what was going through me. my mind and flesh were so confused...i was bracing for being present for this labor and delivery, bracing for the envy and the plain heaviness of it all and then...nothing.

i was relieved yet very, very sad about her having a c-section.

i have never minced words, i have never tried to perfume my shit thoughts and feelings. i've always been brutally honest here, so i admit i was relieved that i didn't have to be slapped in the face, AGAIN, by someone with the same parents as i have. i'm relieved i don't have to be the fucking family freak...again...alone.

i carried triplets and my cervix never shortened or softened or opened. after (still)birthing paige (by c-sec) on her due date, the doctor told me he didn't think i would have gone into labor spontaneously seeing as my cervix was not soft, shortened, or open at all. my sister didn't go into labor after her some bloody show, ruptured membranes, and hours of a shithouse full of pitocin. maybe i would have had problems from the beginning...without triplets...even with one baby. maybe i never would have had the birth i think i lost because i got pregnant with triplets and an automatic c-section. maybe my fantasies are just that. maybe i can't know shit about shit so why wait around for things to keep disproving my *poor me* theories?

really, why bother?

moving on, the baby boy is really quite adorable. i am certainly NOT the baby ohhhing-goooing type, but he is pushing me into a *want a baby* phase. luckily those phases are short-lived, you know, considering i'm all let-go-and-let-the-powers-of-the-universe about getting pregnant.

reproduction is NOT what it's cracked up to be.

it's over...the dreaded convo

i hadn't told my daughters (or son) that my sister was going to have a baby. i didn't want to tell them someone else had a baby in their belly. there were many reasons, as you can imagine.

here's how the conversation went, on the drive to her baby shower:

me: "girls, i have to tell you something. auntie j is going to have a baby. IT'S A BOY. the baby is in her belly right now."

(i thought to stress it was a boy so they wouldn't think...i don't know...about my girl.)

a: "like your baby, mommy...but you have a girl in your belly!"

me: "no, honey, mommy doesn't have a baby in my belly anymore. she died."

e: "oh. can i have cake at the party?"

i've read it over and over in deadbabyland. the conversation will cut you like a knife and then be over with the most flippant of requests.

but they remember.

definitely possibly maybe

we are going to try to have another baby.

husband and i, over a couple of conversations during the past week, decided that we are going to try. we would love to "fall pregnant" like we did with p@ige, but i've come to the conclusion that i don't want the scraped knees. there's no way i can handle a romp in the infertility hay...not again. god, please not again.

i had a taste of the rabbit hole last month...and it wasn't pretty. it was desperate, obsessive, out of control; i just can't go there again. i had flashbacks of the year after year i tried to get pregnant before ivf and it's just not worth it.

in fact, some sickly-rational/irrational part of my brain is telling me that in the long run, i would feel better about having another ivf baby (like ivf makes some different kind of baby? hey i never said this made sense). the thinking goes, p@ige was conceived through actual sex, the way i wished we could have done it the first time. she was going to be the homebirth i wanted so badly, yet i had so much anticipatory anxiety and guilt over the fact that she'd be getting (and giving me) what i didn't have with triplets. now that she's dead and fuck me, all that shit means nothing at this point, i think i would rather have husband pull out his "weap0ns of @ss destructi0n" and hit the clinic again. i guess this time around that p0rn has alot more meaning...it did help tease out our alive kids! funny how time and life can change all concept of romance.

i also know that i don't want to attempt to accomplish the impossible; there's no way in hell i can just la-di-da through month after month trying to pretend i'm not trying to get pregnant. what the fuck?? really, i had to face the fact that if we wanted a baby, we'd go straight to the source. fuck it. i'm not getting any younger and i'm certainly not fertile just because we had p@ige.

now...there is something else. there's a creepy feeling that ivf may not work again. we've had a couple of chuckles about not transferring more than one embryo...i mean, that's funny when you have three three year olds. but it's not so funny when i think about the fact that that means nothing. i also had three alive and perfect children against way higher odds and then had another single baby die. i know of many triplet moms who had numerous failed ivfs to transfer three embryos and get triplets. people tend to think that it means i have some magic uterus; anything going in will be coming out 9 (or seven 1/2, in the first case) months later. IT DOESN'T. i know, i can't worry about this now. but shit...i'm going from assuming it will work to dread that it won't. because there's nothing left after that. FUCKING GODDAMN INFERTILITY.

i haven't told anyone IRL about this decision, except my sister, the one who had the miscarriage last year and is pregnant again. i have a fantasy about getting pregnant and not telling anyone; i think about just having it all to myself. i'm not particularly worried about losing the baby and having to make that announcement, i just want to have the pregnancy and baby all to myself...to avoid the conversations and *looks* and comments about healing and bullshit from people who have no idea and never will that one pregnancy has absolutely nothing to do with the other, that i am not replacing anyone and that it will not magically make me move on from p@ige. i am certainly not telling anyone else that we're even trying.

our consultation is set for march 6. i want to get all the preliminary testing done and plan for a june cycle. i need some more time, and june feels like maybe i'll be ready. you know, that's the part i hate most about infertility...the doubts. nine months...is that long enough after i had a dead baby to get pregnant again? but it's obvious that when fertility isn't an issue it just happens, and many times, much sooner than nine months post. i hate that we can't just say, "let's do it," fuck, and get pregnant. oh well. maybe i just think too much.

ok so another baby...it's definitely possible, maybe.

where i was then...where i want to be

On 8/25/07 (two weeks before she died) 4:14 PM, "futurecharmedgirl" wrote:

hi tripletsplusonemom- i'm a new reader of your blog; i've really been enjoying it. i have 2.5 y/o triplets (2 girls and a boy) and i'm about to have another baby girl any day now. i've struggled with guilt since i found out i was pregnant (a HUGE surprise after years of IF)........i had so much guilt around the circumstances of the trips birth--- c-sect, nicu, pumping instead of breastfeeding, trying to care for three at once--- basically that they were robbed of the newborn experience a singleton would have had. i've been trying to convince myself that what they are gaining in the relationship with their siblings is the gift i gave them, but i can't shake it.
how the hell do you handle it? your beautiful post about having one after three....it was great. does the guilt go away; is it healing to have one after three? i want to enjoy this as much as possible but i don't see how i'll be able to without feeling horrible for my 3 little babies i couldn't give it all to.
thanks so much-- futurecharmedgirl

"triplets plus one mom" wrote:

Hi FutureCharmedgirl - This is such a great question – once I get some more time – I’ll be writing about it. There is definitely guilt, but I didn’t know that was what the nagging feeling I had until very recently. I felt so remorseful that I couldn’t have had three separate pregnancies, three separate newborn experiences, three separate toddler experiences. I wasn’t feeling remorse just for our children – but for me, too. I feel like we were all robbed of the “bonding” experience that comes with a singleton. But then again – I wouldn’t trade my experience as a mother to triplets for the world. Our children have an amazing bond and they are so much more socially advanced than other singleton children their age. Plus, they will grow up always having one another. How awesome is that??I will say that having [plusone] has been an incredibly healing experience. I feel like THIS is the motherhood experience I have wanted for as long as I’ve wanted children. (And then, again, there is guilt for feeling that way – as if our triplets don’t count??) Like I mentioned in my post the other day, I love being able to scoop him up and run out to the store with one baby, I love carrying him everywhere I go, nursing him on demand – and sitting and rocking him – for hours, without having to feel like I am depriving two other babies.
The thing is – baby P@ige will be an amazing gift to both you AND your triplets. I’m not sure how it is that we were finally able to get pregnant after almost 10 years of NOT being successful ... But I do think that without our triplets, we never would have had [plusone] – and vice versa. They were ALL meant to be and we are beyond lucky to have them. And, they are all lucky to have one another. So, that’s how I do it - just believing that everything, as it is, is meant to be. Like I said, I’m a miracle believing kind of person!! Enjoy baby P@ige – you are in for an absolutely wonderful experience!!!
Congrats!! Tripletsplusonemom


don't get me wrong...i am, in no way, focusing on the "meant to be" or "miracles" shit in the response. i almost had to laugh at that, actually.

i thought about this exchange this morning; i totally forgot about it until now. i was thinking about the reasons i would want another baby and i remembered this...and i also remembered that i was so, so stupidly tangled up in the guilt mess that i had no appreciation for what i actually HAD at the time.

it's not easy to explain (to yourself) why you need another child when you already have three. but it feels like one. after you lost your fourth. but it feels like your second.

i just want to get what i should have right now. i don't want to be cheated even more than i was the first time. and second time. there's just so many times now.

puffed up

it's the kids' birthday this week. three kids, one birthday. it always makes me remember what i freak i am. this year, though, it's so much more than that. i was supposed to be normal this year.

i should also appreciate what i have, considering what others may not have. i feel like i say this like a broken record (how long before no one remembers what a broken record means? hehe), but triplets made me a known freak forever. it's like a giant INFERTILE flashing neon sign.

but i should be proud, shouldn't i? three beautiful and (hey, who knew!) ALIVE kids.

i knew yesterday was going to be fucked up; it was their party. besides the social anxiety i am struggling with at the moment, it was just the whole thing. the whole idea of celebrating a BIRTHDAY. yet, we have to, no?

i took a trip to the market in the morning, and had a nice breakdown. god above, why doesn't anyone talk about the dangers of driving while crying? i shamefully admit i've driven while intoxicated, and found it so much easier. i kept imagining a cop pulling me over, seeing my face, and just waving me on.

so my face was already a mess and the party hadn't even started yet.

i escaped mainly by not cooking until people started to show up. i find it relaxing to cook, especially when it makes such a polite excuse not to interact. and drink. alot.

i made it through the day, and was left with a very good and honest and cheeky friend. she sat with me and tried to understand what i was going through. it was the first time i had to try to talk about it to a non-deadbabymom. i mean, she really wanted to know, wanted to talk about it. she even asked, "did it go from deadbaby to ghostbaby?" when trying to figure out what the hell i meant by, "it went from really bad to better to royally fucked forever." the idea of ghostbaby is making me think, which is good, but i ultimately just changed the subject.

by the time husband and i found ourselves alone, we were both hammered. we tried to watch a tv show, but kept pausing it to talk about the day. i completely forgot it was his first time seeing soulmate baby. he's been studying for a big exam (which thank god will be over next weekend) and has admitted he's pushing out dead baby. but some came through last night.

so we cried, and cried and cried, and sobbed, and tried to talk but mostly couldn't; the proud parents of three alive, beautiful kids. at the end of the day, though, we couldn't escape the fourth.

our faces this morning tell all, even though we won't...even though i finally admitted to him that i want another baby.